Monogamous sex every day has been one of the hardest parts of this relationship research.
I had no idea that of all things this would be so challenging. I thought of myself as a highly sexual being, who could have sex whenever and never get enough. But there's something terribly confronting about sex with Keri Denheeten.
There are lots of stories I tell myself about why I don't want sex with her. I'm too tired, I'm not in the mood, I'm sad, I'm bored, I'm not attracted to her, etc. Which are all bullshit of course. Ultimately it has to do with being fully seen. This woman knows me to my core, I cannot hide behind my charm, sexiness, penetrating gaze or my tricks with touch. I cannot stay in control, directing the experience to how I want it to be. I can't play the game of keeping her attention and love through performance, I have to accept that I have her attention and love no matter what I do, and all she wants me to do is fully show up. : /
I always thought married couples stopped having sex because they were bored and wanted variety. But actually I think it's the opposite. It's that it gets so intense and intimate, that they can't take it any more and avoid.
So it's making me look at all the ways I hide in sex. And accept that all the hot, exciting, fun sexual escapades I am used to having regularly with multiple women actually cost me my energy and clarity, while this uncomfortable, awkward, challenging sex-as-a-practice I'm having with Keri is one of the greatest sources of grounding and clarity I've ever found.
So that's what really sucks about it. That its WORKING. Which means I have to keep doing it. And I will.
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