Last night I had a moment of clarity that had me remember exactly why I decided to say yes to this research in the first place. I laid in Max's arms after being resistant the whole night, and really through most of this research despite my determination to stay open. Something had clicked and I leaned into just being there with him. I felt an opening in my chest when I crawled back into the bed and crawled up beside him and felt his arms open to me and respondingly wrap around me, holding me tightly to him. All of a sudden all of my resistance melted. This was the spot. This was the spot that he had access to in me that I wanted to know how to reach. I have always known that the spot actually exists within me, that he is the catalyst for bringing it out. This is what I wanted. The place where I am filled with a peaceful expansion; where it is clear that only love really exists or matters. Not the other women, not whether either of us are doing it right, not whether he loves me back, not whether we have sex, not the scarcity or fear, not what will happen on the other side of this, but only the love. Everything was clear. It felt infinite as if it had been there all along. I couldn’t understand why I hadn’t seen it. It felt easy to access and I thought that I could just remain there forever. I’d like to remain there forever, that is the point. I think it is possible. today I remember it and hold it as a template, but it is unfortunately elusive. I know in that peaceful, unconditionally loving spot, that all is exactly as it should be. I could feel that his level of resistance to receiving the love was lower possibly because he couldn’t block it as well in his sleep. I could feel compassion for how difficult it was for him to actually receive that kind of deep, pure, potent love and understand how his inner child both desperately needed it and fought desperately against it, yet I knew that none of that mattered because like the softness of water, that kind of love could erode even mountains. It is like the love you would give to a child; unconditional. They could be throwing fits or pushing back and yet you remain in a place of seeing and knowing that everything is a call to love or a cry for love. I know that my practice has grown to pursue this at all costs and all benefits; that I have no choice but to go after and access that opening, not just for him, but for everything. It is infinite. It is clear. It is all encompassing. It is what started this.
I struggled this morning to bring it back , holding to my template, trying to remember. I am struggling in this moment to describe it and it feels ironic that I am struggling to describe a place where there is no struggle. I also am intrigued that I started the relationship in this space and quickly lost sight of it only to get yet another glimpse of it right at the very end; as if I was meant to go through all the pain and misery that we have endured over the last couple of months, like magnets that repel each other and can’t find a moment of resonance and connection. I chastised myself for not being true to my original desire and making it about my wounds. I recognize the importance of feeling old wounds deeply and also see that if I had held my original vision, the whole relationship research would’ve been entirely different and far less painful for both of us, yet I also know that it was divinely perfect the way that it was, just as I know it will be going forward. It is this place that KNOWS that I long for more of.
This is the last day of our official relationship container and going forward in whatever capacity the relationship takes on and everywhere, I am determined to hold this pole of love as much as possible. I can feel how it is currently a ‘murky at best’ concept in my mind’s grasp, therefore I will be patient with myself. I am grateful for the template and each step that takes me closer to that infinite source of love within. The Buddhist quote that Nicole Daedone founded OneTaste and Orgasmic Meditation on “Just as the great ocean has but one taste, the taste of salt, even so, this teaching and discipline has but one taste, the taste of freedom (liberation).” This was one taste.
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