Max's inner child post

My inner child has been locked away for 29 years. Out of fear of being hurt, I hid him in the shadows, and enrolled my inner teenager to draw attention away from him by being entertaining, charming, or hostile. In my relationship research with Elle I am letting my child fully come out for possibly the first time. And it is painful. And beautiful. I feel more grounded an energized than ever in my life.

I feel tender, vulnerable, weak, scared, and sad most of the time. It takes all the effort I have to stay in this spot and let her see him, touch him, hold him. While every other fiber in my body is screaming to run back, hide again, don't trust. Because he's been in the dark for so long, just the smallest bit of light hurts his eyes. So regardless of how much I want her love, my body involuntarily rejects it. It feels painful to just be touched or softly kissed. I recoil, pull back, withdraw. Which is confusing and triggering for her because she interprets it as rejection. When really it's because she's touching such a tender place.

Turns out I've always had sex from my teenager. Charming, dominating, in control, taking charge of the situation and pleasing her or getting pleased. So it has appeared that sex is easy for me, that I want it all the time, that I'm good at it. But sex from this vulnerable, intimate space is a totally different story. And so I'm having to learn it all over again. And I'm incredibly resistant. Terrified really. So having sex with Elle every day as a practice has forced me to lean in there, but has been the source of enormous tension because her rejection story is triggered and she has difficulty with switching to taking the lead in a sexual situation.

It is really easy for me to kill her here. To blame her for not doing it right. To accuse her of being the reason I'm withdrawing, and use anything she does as an excuse to hide again. So my work is to stay open. To just sit in this discomfort and remember that its incredibly energizing to be loved in this spot. And take responsibility for loving my own child by asking clearly for what I want and holding him softly myself when she can't.

9 more days. We're going to get the most out of it.