My relationship research with Elle ended three days ago, and I'm definitely still grieving.
After 2 months of intense love and struggle, It ended climactically. On our last night she had planned to leave and not stay with me assuming that I was planning to fuck Laura at midnight. So I had to practically beg her to stay the last night with me. And then I got angry when she hid in my car for a half an hour, and we spent the rest of the night in and out of fighting. The tendency to disconnect was so huge, like we just couldn't stand staying connected through to the end.
The next morning we woke up to full climax. Our first words were about the fact that I had a morning practice OM slot available and I gave it to Laura instead of her. She became furious and stormed out of the room, and quickly left after the first OM. She then sent me a slew of hateful texts. I was so angry, and wrote her a really hateful text back, that I chose not to send. Instead, I used some of the skill I'd learned and wrote her a vulnerable text, taking responsibility and offering support. She didn't reply and I wrote later that night asking if she still wanted space and she said she did. It wasn't until the following evening that some space opened and we've started to talk. Slowly.
Once I got through the anger, I felt really sad. Like, depression-level sad. I collapsed into a slump in yoga, and could barely move the rest of the day. Then yesterday I felt my love start to pour out. On everyone. I felt more connected and available to all my friends, both male and female, and just really started noticing how much I'd shut myself off from other people while I was singly focused on Elle.
I've started to feel better and better, but the grief is still there. Thick. Heavy. Muddy. I'm glad that the relationship over, and there's still grief. The loss of her love for my inner child. The loss of the stability of her attention. The loss of a constant trigger that was sure to make me feel.
I don't know what's next. I only know that right now I need to feel. And stay open to her and everyone. And welcome the next opportunity to be so out of control. So challenged and stretched. And continue finding new depths of love and attention.
- BrianaI've watched this unfold over the course of your "research" and refrained from commenting many times because I didn't want to come off as hateful. It was very obvious that this "research" (I put it in quotes because you were in a relationship, a real, live relationship) was terribly lopsided. Attention is NOT automatically love. Attention is something children need in constant supply, love involves aspects of the psyche beyond the Id. Are you at all shocked that a woman who you had a brief, albeit real relationship with was upset that you've immediately set about stroking off another woman pretty much at the stroke of midnight? Grow the fuck up. If you need a attention, get a dog. If you feel the need to continue your nauseating "research," please stick to lab animals, there are fucking humans involved here.
Brie To each their own but do to the publicity of this "research" I'm throwing my two cents in ... You cannot simply discard someone that you "love" for someone else regardless of the time expiring ... If you love her or loved her it shouldn't have been so easy to discard her for some other vagina... I don't believe you loved her I believe she was good for your ego or she was fun but love is a much deeper feeling that cannot simply be turned on and off if you loved her it would have killed you to discard her, if you loved her you wouldn't have been angry with anyone but yourself for causing her pain. Love is a very powerful word and emotion and I hope one day you understand what it is to truly love- Brie Louisa you should see me when I get worked up lol just trying to be helpful to research with an outsiders perception of it all... but honestly love is not research nor is it an experiment it is an intense emotion that is not capable of being turned off for a deadline at least not real love... Max is very good at assuming a roll or playing a character has been since highschool at least, I think you all should try this again without deadlines and see what you can learn and what you can feel ... Just a suggestion ... Good luck though whatever y'all decide to do
Elle: Hi Brie and others, I appreciate your comments very much and I agree! There is no shutting it off or on. It's always been there on my end. This was an interesting experiment. As you've read, it has taught us both a lot. It is still teaching us now. Max and I had a relationship of sorts before all of this and we will have one, in some fashion, now that the official container has ended. We are in a very close knit community of love and support. I can't say how much was playing a role on his end and how much was "real". In most ways, that was the point of my end, to try to learn to access the well of love within me regardless of how he felt. In a lot of ways I feel i forgot that most important part and was consumed with not understNding what was going on for him and feeling rejected because I didn't feel loved.
I feel a mixture of both defensive and relieved. Defensive about the research in general, because I do know its value and relieved because others are naming a lot of what I struggled with in this research with him, seeing someone who continually pushed my love and me away and had to struggle himself so hard to stay surrendered and connected in ways that previously in relationships felt much more natural to me. It felt natural to me to love him. I do love him, but the receiving it on his end is apparently much more complicated.
It feels like the little boy who pushes you into the mud on the playground and runs away from me and I am supposed to then see it as him really liking me.
There is a lot of my stuff that showed up in the form of not being able to see the love that he did show me in the ways it did show up that also created this dynamic. Because of this and a lot of other things, this was a painful experience, but I did learn a lot about myself through this process and the pain of it makes it difficult to continue in the same way.
I have had my own form of feeling grief and am mostly feeling the liberation from the compression to stay in something that was so painful and difficult. Continuing the way it was would not work. I don't know whether he needed to surrender more or I needed to love more unconditionally or if he just doesn't feel that love for me and can't receive mine or if it was perfectly perfect the way that it was and now it will take on a new form. I accept the latter as truth for now and allow it to be. Thank you for speaking your truth about what you see.
Brie: You are very brave or crazy (probably both) to put yourself through this, as you had to expect the end to be really hard... I enjoyed reading about it though and wish you both the best luck ... Also I must add Elle you have an unreal amount of self control most girls I know would not have been as tolerant of another woman so soon... I'm pretty sure a younger me would have hit what I viewed as my replacement... not that it would have solved any of the feelings I had , though it might have taught the roommate? Not to steal my toy as soon as I wasn't touching it... Forgive the new mommy metaphor... You see love is irrational, unfair, overwhelming, and produces the same brain activity as a traumatic brain injury... Really I don't know that I recognised what love was until I had a child it made it sooo clear...(not really a good way to discover love) but ya live and ya learn...- Elle:
Yes, I am both brave and crazy! As far as the other women are concerned, there's a lot that can be said. First off however, I have not been in a monogamous relationship for the last four years until this last 30 days of our research and for Max, I think he was more used to open relationships than I was. We had been lovers for over a year before we started the research but it had never been exclusive or had any type of label. That being said, I am somewhat used to sharing men with other women, well him, anyway. I also had other men that I was intimate with, so that went both ways. It is never easy though and so much could be said about that piece of the puzzle far before research was even involved! the place that was hardest for me about the other women has to do with his desire for them compared and contrasting to what felt like a lack of consideration and desire for me.
There was an interesting arc of evolution around the other women. I never really paid too much attention to Max's other interests or trysts before we started the research. I knew they were there and they were many, I just considered that to be the way it was for him and it kept me from ever really seeing our relationship as anything more than another tryst for both of us. This community tends to be sex positive. A large portion of the practice of orgasmic meditation is looking at the conditioning around a crossed wire for women when it comes to the suppression of our sexual desires, or desires in general, in our culture. Women are taught to suppress their sex and men are taught to suppress their emotions. This often creates a crossed wire dynamic in our ability to relate to each other. I have been practicing OM for two years now and I started to open my sex about halfway through. I made a very conscious and deliberate choice to look at and experiment with what I really wanted in the area of my sex and relating versus just accepting the conventional monogamy as the only option, as I had previously been conditioned to see and experience. Max was actually a big part of me opening here and it is ultimately how our relationship began.
When the research started, this portion changed entirely from something that I rarely have much notice to being jealous and having it be almost all that I could see. The first part of our research wasn't monogamous and the jealousies went both ways! The second part was and the jealousies almost felt worse for me because what I was jealous of was his desire where he seemed to lack that for me. I know that in the brief moments where I could feel his love and devotion to me, I didn't have these jealousies arise. But when he would develop, what seemed like infatuations and being sucked into the appeal of shallower connections, I was extremely hurt. He didn't act on them during the monogamy, but he was and always has been rather unfiltered about his desires there. The most recent trigger being his public post about his increasing desire for his roommate and my friend, Laura. This has been hard and I am apprehensive to talk about it much because it left Laura and I severely disconnected and Laura and I actually have a very close relationship as we all do when we are in this community to the degree that we are. I finally just last night was able to turn the corner and feel all of my love for her again and it felt amazing. I am so grateful to be connected to her again and able to feel the love I have for her. So I don't really want to dig up the wound. When we started this research Max told me he was in love with another girl who I didn't know very well. This piece is a big one for me, because in my opinion he falls in and out of love or becomes infatuated with and then loses interested rather quickly and it translates to me as not valuing the deeper connections like the one that we have together. So essentially, it felt like he would run away from our intimacy and run toward what was easier in his desires for them. The same could possibly be said for me, however. But yes, the other women is a huge factor and I imagine that it is in any relationship where the partners are honest and connected as we are.
I don't personally think that open relationships are better or less hard or have judgements one way or the other about open versus monogamy. I think each person has to do what feels right for them. I think relationships are challenging no matter how you decide to do them and at this time, I prefer the honesty around my and his desires that comes with open relating. if you have the agreement and determination to stay connected no matter what. I DO think it is a particular challenge with someone like Max, however, who is more interested and attracted to the next new thing than staying in the more intimate connections. - Elle:I used to feel similarly to what you are saying. Now I still have leanings in both directions. I enjoy having a variety of connections myself and can see how love is not scarce and my love for one person isn't diminished by loving another, but sometimes this doesn't make the jealousies on the other side of it any less to know this. It is tricky and challenging and sometimes it seems hardly worth it. But I also struggle with monogamy at this stage in my life. I feel that for me the monogamy would be playing smaller, like I was only doing it to have the illusion of safety in being the only one. That comes with its own challenges right there. If I am the only one to fulfill the needs of my partner, I may feel more secure, but I know the desires are still there and I know that we have the potential to become dependent on each other. I also know that the interactions and intricate with other can bring more intimacy with each other through their influences and with those other people if it can be embraced. I am not suggesting that this type of relationship would work for everyone, but I currently am striving to open my connections in all areas, so this is where I am at in my relating.
I have had the experience of where it can feel good to be open in connecting with more than one person intimately, especially when the primary connections are considered first. I don't find Max to be particularly good at doing this, but I have seen it modeled well in other open relationships and I do believe it is possible with exquisite practice, attention, connection, honesty, compassion, and consideration. I have felt that when I feel secure in the love, connection, desire, and attraction in my relationship, I am much calmer and able to stay connected and loving even with the other women being involved. I think it is a challenge and requires a delicate balance. It can definitely be messy, but in this practice we strive to authentically feel the whole range of emotions available to us fully and embrace our experience, not just the things that feel good.
I also think that monogamy has its own set of challenges. They just look and feel differently. One is not better than the other. They just are different and afford different opportunities. For me I prefer the experience of connection to many, not just my own lovers, but also the connection that I have to the other women through my lovers because there is a lot available there as well if I am open to it.
I try to see it all as love. My good friend, says that jealousy is turnon plus exclusion. If I can find a way to be connected to the experience, then my partner's turnon becomes mine as well. We are connected so deeply to each other and in our bodies that we can literally feel the excitement in our own body and it doesn't have to minimize my connection with my partner if I can embrace it, which honestly, is a practice and isn't always the case, but I do believe it is possible and where it is not is where my own insecurities are at play. 
- Krista I followed this research like I try to view everything in life - with a completely open heart and mind and without judgment. As someone on the outside, reading the posts, I can honestly say that I have learned a lot about relationships in general and have forced myself to look more deeply into my own relationships. I won't say that I will never be monogamous in the future, but at this time it is definitely not something I desire. I enjoy being with open men and women and that is where I feel the most freedom and security. I also understand that my choice in lifestyle is not the right choice for everyone. The most brilliant part of this research for me to read about is the end. It's the beginning of a new chapter for both of you and I doubt either of you will go into another relationship the same as you were before the research and that is something to be grateful for! Growth is always worth it.
Max: Thank you Krista! It's been amazing having the love and attention of people in our extended community like you! I think it gave us strength and energy more than we even knew!
Abby: Such is Dismissive Attachment Style...- Elle:Can you say more about this please?
Abby: Someone with Dismissive Attachment Style can lead to even a person who is secure becoming more anxious in relationship.
http://girlwiththorns.hubpages.com/.../dismissive...
- Abby: http://jebkinnison.com/bad.../type-dismissive-avoidant/
- This article said this that felt pertinent and spot on "Dismissive avoidants can be charming. They can play the role well for a time. But lacking a positive view of attached others, they expect relationships to fulfill a romantic ideal which no real human being can create for them, so all fall short and are discarded when it becomes inconvenient to continue. Typically as the relationship ages, avoidants will begin to find fault and focus on petty shortcomings of their partner. The dismissive-avoidant is afraid of and incapable of tolerating true intimacy.
The dismissive-avoidant is afraid of and incapable of tolerating true intimacy. Since he was brought up not to depend on anyone or reveal feelings that might not be acceptable to caregivers, his first instinct when someone gets really close to him is to run away. Superficially he thinks very highly of himself, and is likely to pin any blame for relationship troubles on his partners; but underneath (especially in the extreme form we label narcissism), there is such low self esteem that at his core he does not feel his true self is worthy of love and attention. Should a partner penetrate his armor, unconscious alarm bells go off and he retreats to either aloneness or the safety of companionship with others who do not realize he is not what he appears to be on the surface. dismissives let you know that you are low on their priority list. when you are with one, you are really still alone" 
Diana As someone who has tried both open and monogamous relationships....nothing quite stands up to the intimacy between 2 individuals who find solace, satisfaction and trust in each other. If your lover chooses you above all others ..that's true intimacy and security. ..the very nature of life is impermanent. .relationships change. ..relationships end. .some individuals are only our lovers for a finite period. True love and security is looking into your lovers eyes knowing he desires you above all others..ignoring base desires and feeling with your heart rather than your genitals
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