04/15/15

I keep going to this place of not being in approval of myself for loving Joe Then I get tight and make myself suffer. Yesterday was a very extreme case. I couldn’t connect with him because he was visiting family and mostly unavailable. I understand this, yet still used it as an excuse to listen to the voices in my head that I wasn’t a priority and that he didn’t want to connect with me. I had other factors that were bringing me down yesterday and I couldn’t determine whether I was sad about our seeming disconnection or I was sad in general and making it about that.

A friend told me that she felt I was hungry, but that didn’t mean I was insatiable and that my hunger was a lot to put on one person. What she said made sense! Of course I was hungry! I hadn’t opened up this part of me in four years and all of a sudden I was reawakening new feelings and it felt like Pandora’s Box had been opened. I was not in approval. I couldn’t seem to get my old tools of shutting it off and avoiding these feelings when they were painful and inconvenient to work.

We were able to FaceTime this morning and of course he worked his magic on me and fixed me. This irritates me and proves my point. But it’s hard to stay irritated when I just plain feel better and it’s hard not to get irritated when I know he can fix me, yet I don’t have access to him.

Herein lays my disapproval with myself. My turnon lies within and isn’t conditional on outside sources. This is true and he wouldn’t be able to access it if I didn’t allow him to in the first place. Knowing all of this is all well and good. I guess I get caught up in wanting to control it. I want the key and I have the key. I just don’t seem to understand how to use it just yet. He reminded me that this was just a temporary location along my path to freedom in my relationships. He assured me that he liked my hunger and was in full approval of it, despite my fears that it would push him away. My true pain was from me denying my real feelings and shaming myself for them. He was right. He said “You are not in approval of loving and missing your boyfriend?! How do you think I would feel if you didn’t miss me?” I realized that I absolutely wasn’t in approval of loving and missing him and therefore, I was shaming myself and blocking myself from feeling those emotions. This was a worse hell than just missing him. This was where I wasn’t being loving to myself.

I feel kind of pouty about him being able to point out these things to me that are glaringly obvious yet elude me. I still feel a little foggy; mostly from all the turmoil I’ve put myself through by making myself wrong for feeling a certain way. I am relieved that I am going to honor my feelings and location with as much approval as I can muster and continue with my commitment to love myself.