I am floored by how many people are following Joseph's and my posts about this research behind the scenes and how much everyone is getting from this experience! I had no idea that my little, and yes, long, babbles and blurbs, would have such an impact. I thoroughly enjoy and am impressed by hearing the ways you are being touched by our research, so keep the feedback coming. I love it!
I feel tender today. I realized that I seem to get stuck when I lose my gratitude. This is my version of remember to remember. When I am lost, this reverence reminds me of who I am.
Yesterday Joseph and I were driving to OM circle, talking about our relationship research, of course. I am a little whacked because he is going out of town for basically the rest of the research to go to magic school and to visit family. I wanted to ask that maybe we extend the research to make up for the days he is gone, since it is such a significant amount of time. I couldn’t get those words out though. It seems like too much to ask for. I am torn between thinking that it is important to experience the distance and that everything is exactly as it should be and being confronted with why I would ask for that. Perhaps my request is just a way to prolong the inevitable. It is beyond my acceptable havingness to admit to myself or especially to him, that I may be enjoying this experience amidst all my obvious torture. I am conflicted that a big part of me likes being his girlfriend and doesn’t know what to expect when it ends; since I’ve committed and followed through to opening fully to our intimacy for the sake of our own growth. Rachel Tayeb said something that touched me when she was here. “If you are worried that you may lose yourself, then maybe that is a version of yourself that isn’t worth having in the first place.” These words allowed me to embrace this research and love more fully, rather than being ensnared by limiting my emotions out of fear.
I wasn’t clear and just kind of whined a little. He tried to reassure me that we would be fine and stay connected despite the distance. He said something like “it ain’t over until the fat lady sings,” then he added “no offense,” this inadvertently associated me with the fat lady, which of course, completely brought up my defenses. We both acknowledge the obvious awkwardness and implication of that statement and neither of us handled the sensation very well. He questioned whether I was really impacted by what was said because he couldn’t fully feel that I was. I felt into it and now know that my vigilance was indeed stunned but I had a knee jerk response of masking it and not fully letting the impact sink in. Later at circle, a lifetime of story that I was too fat, not worthy enough, not sexy enough, not good enough to be loved came to the surface for me to alchemize. It was the perfect trigger and I knew it! I had patterns of being mad and wanting to blame him, but I have wanted and needed to touch such a wound within me for so long. I felt it for all I could; the full effect of the pain of that story and how much it has influenced me. It has blocked me from receiving love from others and for myself. This is the place where I intentionally cut myself off from any and all forms of love. Others can’t get in because I made a decision long ago not to let them; that I wasn’t worth it. My mind’s game was that I would just decide that now so that when it was proved true in the future, I wouldn’t be affected by it. Now that this story is in the open, I can see the insanity of such logic. The tendencies are painful and when I give up my story around this, it is excruciating to go into the amount of suffering I have put myself through here. I know the only way to my freedom is to feel it; “get in, immerse, and get out. All three”-Nicole Daedone.
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