I ate shitty food last night. I have been eating a lot better recently, but last night it was late and the options were narrower so I used it as an excuse to indulge. I feel sluggish today and queasy. That’s an aside to what this post is about, however. Yesterday, I agreed to be open to hearing about the makeouts that my boyfriend, Joseph is having or desires to have, basically anything he wants to tell me about his interactions with other women. This is something that he has wanted from the beginning and I was adamantly opposed knowing that it was the only thing that I asked for. I know he has makeouts and desires for other women and I didn’t want to know the details. He requested that I share my details as well and have been doing so since the beginning of this research. He asked me before women’s group to look at this area and ask other women to help me navigate my resistance here. I told him no. To me it felt like He was saying I was doing something that made HIM uncomfortable and he wanted me to go fix myself so that he could feel better. I did bring it up in women’s group. Eleanor told me that I was more capable than I gave myself credit for and made me take slow down enough to take in the stroke. I can recognize where this is true often. I recognized that me saying no to his request was a power struggle that I could control in an area that I feel I have no control. I knew that I could gain power in a different way. I also knew that it wasn’t working and I was open to changing the stroke, but it couldn’t be acquiescing to his desire. I had to manage my own system and say yes from a place of surrendering to the experience versus acquiescing or resentments would be unmanageable and I wouldn’t get what I needed to from it. I can see how my no is to protect myself, obviously, but it wasn’t working anyway. In fact, it felt worse. People were coming out of the woodwork pressing me to tell me about their makeouts or what information I wanted to receive. It felt like an unsafeported hit each time. I know there is pain under there that I have been avoiding and I’d rather be volitional in receiving it and accessing it, then to avoid it and have it come up anyway in a way that feels like a violation. Eleanor said that it was a way he wanted to connect with me further and me blocking him here was also blocking connection. I told him this after women’s group. He asked me why he would want to connect with me more and in every way. I knew where he was going and I didn’t want to say it. He played with me and made me finally admit that he wants to connect more because he loves me. It doesn’t feel loving and I was annoyed at his excitement about me saying yes to this! I could feel me blocking him. For the first time in weeks, I didn’t want his kisses or attention or to even be with him. I felt like what he was asking was disconnection not connection and I didn’t understand.
I left him and went home. I put his messages on do not disturb so that I could look at his text about his makeouts when I decided to rather than being hit with them, but I figured they would be soon because he was so eager to share it. I waited and waited and kept checking my phone anyway. I finally took him back off do not disturb because I knew it was silly in the first place, especially since I just kept looking for it anyway. After a few hours, I got annoyed and sent him a message that he was tumescing me and wtf? He had fought for this so hard and then he just keeps me waiting! He apologized and said that his makeout was cancelled and then he didn’t know what to say. I could feel my system relax and wondered if and how I had somehow witched that with my own strong aversion. Then he sent another text about how he may, well I won’t go into that but it was super intimate with another woman, something we don’t even do actually. Somewhere in there, like a lightning bolt, I shut off. He asked me how I felt. I told him that I hadn’t agreed to that part. He could tell me whatever but I wasn’t inclined to share and that he didn’t want to know how I felt. He said that he did, so I told him. I felt nothing. I had no access to any of my feelings for him. It was incredible to me, that I could go from feeling so much one minute to having it just be gone entirely. I was indifferent to him. I didn’t have the overwhelming love or sadness. It was all just gone. I know this can’t be true and maybe I can access it again, but it doesn’t feel like it. I know that it is a protective mechanism, and I have to say, I am super impressed with its effectiveness and speed!
This is how we felt before the research on my end. This is why I was resistant to knowing the details and thought it was enough to just know. I guess I don’t trust myself to come back to him and come back to the feelings I have for him. This is so interesting to me, I have never looked at this part of myself in such an in-depth way before! Honestly, right now I am still very much in the cutoff mode. I think I can open it again, but I’m not sure that I want to, at least not right away. I am enjoying the feeling of disconnecting from him, where before it was a whirlwind of intensity all the time; the good, the bad, and the ugly, but more accurately, the blissful, the torturous, and the frustrating. I could feel myself again today and it felt really good; to be happy with the sunshine on my skin and be in my own space again! I wondered whether this wasn’t a healthier place for me. Maybe before my shutoff switch took over, I was in an obsessively codependent dynamic that I’ve often been told I have tendencies toward. Maybe I am supposed to stay here and not open back up the way that I was.
This was my location over this last year with him and I was able to let the love in in some capacity because one day I suddenly awoke from the indifference and realized I loved him. I was more surprised than anyone! I didn’t quite know how that happened! So we were able to grow here. When you feel as much as I do, there is a part of me that feels like it is such a waste and quite boring to stay in the indifference for very long. I came to this practice because I had grown apathetic to all aspects of my life, with the exception of my son. Since starting my Orgasmic Meditation practice two years ago, one of the most appealing things was finally finding a place and people who allowed me to explore my full capacity of feeling. There was no more apathy and I have felt so alive and connected. I wasn’t “too much” for these people. In fact, they seemed to like my “too much” qualities and that has felt amazing!
I feel as though I am navigating my own resistance about staying in this location of indifference even as I write this. I came to this practice to feel and I want to feel everything. Hmm right now, I am still indifferent. I am scared that I won’t actually have a choice to open back up. I think this may be my lesson, in and of itself.
Thank you for reading. Please feel free to post and comments or questions.
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