Raw, my third post about our 30 day open relationship research

I feel so small and raw today. I just want to curl into a ball and cry. LovingJoseph feels like the worst thing that has ever happened to me and that's why I keep trying to cut off and undo it. I know it's not him. I know it's tied to very deep wounds and it's actually teaching me and healing so much. But it hurts. I feel like I have to cut off because when I love people, it is too much and they run away from me and leave me heart broken. I feel too much and I make myself small to protect myself and put myself in the mouse role so I don't blow them out and they push me away which hurts so much! It just has been easier to let them come to me. I'm not sure I know what is wrong with that. It certainly hurts less. At least then I know that he can handle what I give him. Perhaps I have to learn to calibrate my love. Maybe that won't be so bad, but in the meantime our relationship has reopened and exposed a very deep wound for me and it's just like jabbing pain. I’m allowing myself to feel it now but before I was resisting. I know that Nicole Daedone says "freedom is your ability to get in, immerse, and get out; all three." I'm immersing right now for my freedom. It makes me feel so much pain. It is easy for me to put it on Joseph, but I know it was already there and he is just the catalyst for bringing it out. My eyes are all red and puffy now. I hate him, of course this isn't true, but that's what I want to say to him all the time! I'm flustered and it's so hard to stay connected here.

I’m just going to say it. My boyfriend is in love with someone else. This is an obvious place of contention between us and for me and our relationship research. I don’t have experience with open relationships from before, but I know that I don’t want to live confined in my relationships and that means exploring this dynamic. I can also feel the freedom that is available for me to feel this very tender place.

This is actual transcripts from our texts. I’m hesitant to share this because he may not be ok with it, even though we both post a lot about this experience, these are actually in the moment for us. I have intentionally not put in other people’s names. I also changed punctuation.

Joseph: “I am in the hole with you. Feeling pain and shame and fear that I didn't even know was there.
I want to have you with me all evening tonight.
I want you to come over after work and come to lead gen and hang after afterwards and spend the night and go to om day and come to the party tomorrow night”

Keri: “My first response is to question that is your desire. But I am willing and desire to do these things
I can have my son drop me off after work. Would you like me to do this?”

Joseph: “Yes”

Keri: “Ok”
“I feel exposed”

Joseph: “Yeah. Me too”
“Tender spots we've found here. I'm going to handle them with more slow attention. “

Keri: “Beautiful, thank you”
“Some of my feelings are because I know you were with this girl last night and it kills me to know you prefer her while you are pushing my love away!”

Joseph: “I feel you there. And I want to talk to you more about it”

Keri: “I don't want to talk about it. It is impossible”

Joseph: “We have to talk about it babe
It's the elephant in the room”

Keri: “I can't even think about it let alone talk and do you know how hard it is to admit that you affect me to myself let alone to you?! Or that I would allow myself to fall in love with someone who is in love with someone else?! I am so mad at myself. I feel stupid and ashamed. I feel like a sadomasochist with my heart; and then to go full on with this research. I'm probably just gonna cry the whole time. I sure hope this is healing and my freedom actually lies on the other side because this is so hard
And if it isn't, then I am just torturing myself.”

Joseph: “You’re not babe”
“You know it's worth it”

Keri: “Can you just tell me what you want to say about her so that I can have time to digest it before I see you? This limbo is horrible”

Joseph: “I want to hear your feelings and form an alliance that feels as best as possible to you;
Including giving you full veto power over me seeing her. “

Keri: “I just shared my feelings
All of them”

Joseph: “Thank you. I want more time and attn on them”

Keri: “Why?”
“You like torturing me! You are a sadist
You love that I'm so fucked up about this don't you?
I can't even hear her name without tailspinning out! It infuriates me at myself to let someone have this power over me! I want to cut off and not care about you or about her. Tell you both to fuck off and go have your happy little relationship! It has nothing to do with her. It is all about me knowing that you think you're in love with her. I'm sure she's quite lovely. I don't think I'd be so affected by it if I wasn't blocked by you, if I felt free to love you fully. I wonder why you don't block her love.”

Joseph: “This is too significant for us to not talk about”

Keri: “I am talking about it! This is me talking about it!”

Joseph: “Okay. Thank you and I am not able to give it my full attention right now. I would like to talk with you in person.”

Keri: “I'm scared to talk about it in person. I need time to digest what you have to say away from you. It doesn't have to be now. You are on my spot and I want to lead you away, but I'm not going to”

Joseph: “Think on this. I am willing to do whatever it takes to have it feel okay to you.
Including not seeing her at all for the duration of our experiment

Keri: “But I am asking for lighter strokes around this thing. We will talk about it later"

Joseph: “Ok”

Keri: “It isn't about you seeing her. It is about you loving her and going toward her while you are simultaneously pulling back from me and don’t want to receive my love. I have fear that if I ask you not to see her, it will only fuel your desire for her more and your desire is what I'm jealous of. I want you to desire me and my love! I am open to doing that or whatever you'd like to when I see you later after work. if I felt safe in your desires for me, I wouldn't be so triggered by your desire for her. It is my scarcity around being lovable and loved.”