I had an om with Joseph this morning that had moments of hitting that spot that is so painful it nearly makes me jump. I've gotten to the point in my practice where I focus my attention there rather than direct the stroker away from my spot, resentfully thinking it's something he did like pulling the hood back too far and rationalizing where the pain comes from. The fourth dimensional understanding that I am actually alchemizing a lifetime of pain that I had previously blocked comes to the forefront. I leaned in. A whole well of emotions came flooding out of me as I lay there sobbing, releasing my pain. I came out of that om with so much gratitude and liberation.
Joseph Carr and I have recently started a 30 day relationship challenge that has reopened a dormant and suppressed yearning in me. It has opened the door for me to look at all my very painful blocks to the connections I desire. These stem from my inability to receive the love that's all around me. I am being worked through this research so much, looking so closely at where I have learned to masterfully and unconsciously block love and pull away due to my own unwillingness to allow something so deep, connected, and good into my being. I believe instead that I can't have it and ultimately don't deserve it!
This research has me continually going back to the spot and seeing what's there for me. I get easily skewed and try to convince myself that it's his fault for such and such. This takes me away from the truth that I put my desire and my focus on the other person to such a degree that I push them away and rob us of the actual connection.
I have noticed that I have been craving This other man's attention and love more since starting this relationship with Joseph and I think it's because where Joseph is all over and finds it difficult to hold the deep connection, often unconsciously dissipating in avoiding with his phone or busyness or random sexual desires for other women, This other man stays present as eager to stay in the warm gooeyness of the sweet spot as I am. In fact, this other man has a way of drawing Me in and holding me there with him if I even try to run. It feels so good! With Joseph, it almost feels like a violation to be in that space for him. His discomfort is palpable, almost painful. This is his spot where he has enlisted me to help him become more aware. I am finding it difficult because it does feel like a violation even though it's what he's asked for. I also get unclear as to whether he is really avoiding the spot or I'm not able to see what's there.
There's a place where I think"what if at the end of this research he actually wants to stay with me and remain in relationship, he actually desires the deeper connections?" Then I think "does it even matter?" No, because in those moments the possibility of actually being loved hits my most tender spot, the place that I can't even allow the possibility that someone would want to love me, maybe even couldn't help but love me. When that gets touched, I feel this pipeline that was previously shutdown,crack open. I let in air, sunshine, nourishment to Barren, neglected, desperate darkness within my spirit. It was withering and dying. It carried over to all aspects of my life and I can feel how the opening is carrying over too! No more lack, scarcity, fear, struggle, wondering why I couldn't have the things I wanted, seeing that all the while I closed off the pipeline. I had created a scenario where I died a little each day from the lack of letting my soul and being receive what it needs and is nourished by.
Being able to surrender to this opening, is like the first gasps of air after having none. Will it matter if he chooses to continue this with me after 30 days? Will it matter if I do? No, because I will have hit the spot and opened up for myself that healing well that was previously blocked. That is what I want! I am what I want! My turn on, my desire, my love.
I sit inspired by seeing the truth, grateful for this amazing experience that's bringing me so much.
Being able to surrender to this opening, is like the first gasps of air after having none. Will it matter if he chooses to continue this with me after 30 days? Will it matter if I do? No, because I will have hit the spot and opened up for myself that healing well that was previously blocked. That is what I want! I am what I want! My turn on, my desire, my love.
I sit inspired by seeing the truth, grateful for this amazing experience that's bringing me so much.
I feel all the women he's connected to and many of them I have my own connections with. I feel their scarcity about what this relationship research will mean for them. I have felt the tinges of obligation to connect with them as they reach out to me one by one. In my system, it feels like they want me to calm their vigilance, like they want me to assure them that Joseph and I won't go too deep here with this because if we do then they fear they will fall away. I know I can't assure them of anything.
I wrestle between my patterns of taking care of them, wanting to reassure them and getting triggered when it hits up against my own scarcity at being loved. My mind snaps back with "i'm trying to see, grow, learn, alchemize, transform for myself here! I don't have the capacity to handle all these women's vigilance. I'm looking at my own shit! Handle yours and let me see what I'm meant to!"I realize that there's a place that this is part of my research. Where I have the opportunity to do the kind thing, but it is not entirely clear what the kind thing is. I wonder if the kind thing is actually an old pattern that isn't serving me, knowing that I have the ability to lower their vigilance, to be strong for them, to comfort and assure them. In some ways, I have opted to do so, but it reminds me of the dynamic that started with my mother. This place where I suppress my wants and needs to be stronger for another person, one that I viewed as too weak to carry it alone. Then I get resentful at having to hold them where they could be holding themselves. My mind says "I'm here to learn about me! This is my work!" It is working me! I chastise myself. "is this jealousy or taking care of myself? Am I blocking connection with these women because I feel them pulling on me to handle what they need to handle for themselves? What is the kind thing here? Letting them learn to take responsibility for their own emotions or reaching out to connect with them? Is there a way I can do both? Do I have the capacity to do this when I am already stretched and looking at so much within me? Can I forgive and be in approval of myself if I fuck it up and do it wrong? Is there a wrong?"
I wrestle between my patterns of taking care of them, wanting to reassure them and getting triggered when it hits up against my own scarcity at being loved. My mind snaps back with "i'm trying to see, grow, learn, alchemize, transform for myself here! I don't have the capacity to handle all these women's vigilance. I'm looking at my own shit! Handle yours and let me see what I'm meant to!"I realize that there's a place that this is part of my research. Where I have the opportunity to do the kind thing, but it is not entirely clear what the kind thing is. I wonder if the kind thing is actually an old pattern that isn't serving me, knowing that I have the ability to lower their vigilance, to be strong for them, to comfort and assure them. In some ways, I have opted to do so, but it reminds me of the dynamic that started with my mother. This place where I suppress my wants and needs to be stronger for another person, one that I viewed as too weak to carry it alone. Then I get resentful at having to hold them where they could be holding themselves. My mind says "I'm here to learn about me! This is my work!" It is working me! I chastise myself. "is this jealousy or taking care of myself? Am I blocking connection with these women because I feel them pulling on me to handle what they need to handle for themselves? What is the kind thing here? Letting them learn to take responsibility for their own emotions or reaching out to connect with them? Is there a way I can do both? Do I have the capacity to do this when I am already stretched and looking at so much within me? Can I forgive and be in approval of myself if I fuck it up and do it wrong? Is there a wrong?"
I came into this practice of orgasmic meditation wanting something more for my life, knowing that something more must be out there. I found my something more. Now I remind myself everyday that I am committed to myself and my own freedom and growth. I am committed to helping others have this as well. I am grateful in so many ways!
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