Venting graphic

I have to admit that I sometimes get more annoyed with new men because it feels like we as a community have to start from scratch all the time with ppl learning the lingo & watching them go through all the steps as the layers come off again & again. Training strokers that they can have it & that it is actually a gift for a woman to know & ask for what she wants; much better than guessing & getting it wrong. The step of where they get angry with you for pointing out the truth, then the step where they take responsibility there, then the step where they are grateful because they understand that your initial truth was actually a loving kindness; if they ever make it to this step. There's that too, ppl leaving before they realize all the freedom they can find here.the annoyance I feel at men who think that they want sex in place of actual connection & where they get hung up on their societally conditioned preferences like robots programmed to go after bones & haven't discovered steak yet.

The instant gratification they seek, when there is no replacement for really doing their work & the work is only taking a close look at your inner self. 

I tend to have more compassion for the women, but I do understand the phoniness & the "good girl" who's just "fine" w/that doe-eyed look, but you can feel her dying inside bc we've been oming for awhile & we can feel all of what they think they are hiding from the world oh so clearly. It's like a painful new batch every time, that is even more painful if they walk away blaming the practice or community for being too "weird" or too "confrontational" or too "insert whatever here". 

I'm venting a little.

 I briefly encounter these feelings, but I am inspired anew every time I experience someone "getting" it; getting free. It is beautiful to be a part of that! It reminds me of how far I've come and how grateful I am to have found such an amazing practice! And that makes all the little annoyances well worth it. 

That is really how I feel! It is an honor to be a part of the people who are bravely facing their inner shit in whatever way it works for them. And it is an absolute honor to help others find there way too. Like Nicole Daedone has said so many times in the parable of sorts with the person who jumps in the hole with you. 

There's a person who falls into a hole and is stuck. His priest comes by & blesses him (or her) but he's still in the hole. The psychiatrist comes by & analyzes the situation & prescribes some Xanax or something, but he's still in the hole and so on until his friend comes along & jumps in the hole with him. He says "why would you do that?! Now we are both stuck in here!" The friend says "yay we are, but I've been here before and I know the way out!"

My pussy is telling me to suck my boyfriends cock and then fuck him because lately I am angry and annoyed as shit except for when he's sleeping and then my Pussy wants to fuck him! 

I know that this is due to me losing weight and consciously looking at all this anger that must have been stored in every single fucking fat cell and has nothing to do with him, he's just my unfortunate scapegoat. As I work through this & my emotions come to the surface, I am faced w/ some of the hardest & deepest wounds of hurt & anger I have ever experienced. I have to force myself to stay conscious there all the time. I have to continuously remind myself that I don't actually hate everyone & everything, especially not  Mario & especially not myself. My addictions try to pull for my attention & fight relentlessly to keep me from feeling the anger, hatred, pain that I have to reach to find approval for myself. I self sabotage & create situations for ppl to hate me & pull away. This has been excruciating & some of my deepest work on myself to date. 

I also fight to remember to remember, a coaching program term that has multiple layers of meaning, but in this case is me remembering to remember that I am powerful. That I stand for my growth. That I am creating. That I am bravely facing deep parts of my shadows that are crying out to be loved. 

It is easy for me to escape and live in my old stories, to forget how far I've come, to deny hat I offer anything of value, to shrink away and die quietly playing the martyr. But I know that I am worth not abandoning myself there anymore! I don't have to take that on and buy into that crap! Yet I can still honor the little one within that did take that on and help her to remember to remember as well. Just as we all help each other to remember the goddesses we so easily see in each other's faces yet often to find so difficult to ascribe to ourselves.