04/15/15

I keep going to this place of not being in approval of myself for loving Joe Then I get tight and make myself suffer. Yesterday was a very extreme case. I couldn’t connect with him because he was visiting family and mostly unavailable. I understand this, yet still used it as an excuse to listen to the voices in my head that I wasn’t a priority and that he didn’t want to connect with me. I had other factors that were bringing me down yesterday and I couldn’t determine whether I was sad about our seeming disconnection or I was sad in general and making it about that.

A friend told me that she felt I was hungry, but that didn’t mean I was insatiable and that my hunger was a lot to put on one person. What she said made sense! Of course I was hungry! I hadn’t opened up this part of me in four years and all of a sudden I was reawakening new feelings and it felt like Pandora’s Box had been opened. I was not in approval. I couldn’t seem to get my old tools of shutting it off and avoiding these feelings when they were painful and inconvenient to work.

We were able to FaceTime this morning and of course he worked his magic on me and fixed me. This irritates me and proves my point. But it’s hard to stay irritated when I just plain feel better and it’s hard not to get irritated when I know he can fix me, yet I don’t have access to him.

Herein lays my disapproval with myself. My turnon lies within and isn’t conditional on outside sources. This is true and he wouldn’t be able to access it if I didn’t allow him to in the first place. Knowing all of this is all well and good. I guess I get caught up in wanting to control it. I want the key and I have the key. I just don’t seem to understand how to use it just yet. He reminded me that this was just a temporary location along my path to freedom in my relationships. He assured me that he liked my hunger and was in full approval of it, despite my fears that it would push him away. My true pain was from me denying my real feelings and shaming myself for them. He was right. He said “You are not in approval of loving and missing your boyfriend?! How do you think I would feel if you didn’t miss me?” I realized that I absolutely wasn’t in approval of loving and missing him and therefore, I was shaming myself and blocking myself from feeling those emotions. This was a worse hell than just missing him. This was where I wasn’t being loving to myself.

I feel kind of pouty about him being able to point out these things to me that are glaringly obvious yet elude me. I still feel a little foggy; mostly from all the turmoil I’ve put myself through by making myself wrong for feeling a certain way. I am relieved that I am going to honor my feelings and location with as much approval as I can muster and continue with my commitment to love myself.

Joe's post from last night 4/11/15

Keri  tried to break up with me last night.

We had a really intense day with big, super-successful How to OM class and she was taking me to the airport the next day to leave for eight days. And for the last few days she has been in a tough spot of really believing that I love her. So that mixed with all the other emotion, and by 1am when we're were trying to go to sleep, she decided she couldn't take it anymore and wanted to end it.

I have had a variety of reactions to her ongoing resistance to believing i love her. I have gotten angry and hurt, yelling at her about all the ways that I am showing her how much I love her and making it about me. You all can guess how well that works. I have tried logic, outlining the clear and solid data that I am actively loving her and prioritizing her in my life, with limited success. I have tried ignoring her, and just withdrawing my attention, but that doesn't get me what I want. And I have tried many versions of playing with her, laughing at her silliness, talking to her like I would a sad little girl, And that one is actually the most successful.

But what did I do last night? I fucked her. Suddenly all my love and desire and passion for her was much harder for her to block when I was on top of her kissing her and touching her body. Her tightness and tension and fear melted beneath me, she released her tears & sadness & pain and came back into connection with me. And then we had one of the closest and most snuggly nights that we've had since the experiment started.

We're going to talk every day while I'm gone. And I will have the new added a challenge of letting her feel my love from far away. I will be lonely and vulnerable and needing love so it will be a trick for me to keep my attention on her without pulling, and without getting more quickly triggered when she resists.

So I am continually in awe of what a good match we are for this experiment and how were perfectly positioned to challenge each other's shit & grow.

The journey continues!

my 5th post about my open relationship research for 30 days with Joseph

I am floored by how many people are following Joseph's and my posts about this research behind the scenes and how much everyone is getting from this experience! I had no idea that my little, and yes, long, babbles and blurbs, would have such an impact. I thoroughly enjoy and am impressed by hearing the ways you are being touched by our research, so keep the feedback coming. I love it!

I feel tender today. I realized that I seem to get stuck when I lose my gratitude. This is my version of remember to remember. When I am lost, this reverence reminds me of who I am.

Yesterday Joseph and I were driving to OM circle, talking about our relationship research, of course. I am a little whacked because he is going out of town for basically the rest of the research to go to magic school and to visit family. I wanted to ask that maybe we extend the research to make up for the days he is gone, since it is such a significant amount of time. I couldn’t get those words out though. It seems like too much to ask for. I am torn between thinking that it is important to experience the distance and that everything is exactly as it should be and being confronted with why I would ask for that. Perhaps my request is just a way to prolong the inevitable. It is beyond my acceptable havingness to admit to myself or especially to him, that I may be enjoying this experience amidst all my obvious torture. I am conflicted that a big part of me likes being his girlfriend and doesn’t know what to expect when it ends; since I’ve committed and followed through to opening fully to our intimacy for the sake of our own growth. Rachel Tayeb said something that touched me when she was here. “If you are worried that you may lose yourself, then maybe that is a version of yourself that isn’t worth having in the first place.” These words allowed me to embrace this research and love more fully, rather than being ensnared by limiting my emotions out of fear.

I wasn’t clear and just kind of whined a little. He tried to reassure me that we would be fine and stay connected despite the distance. He said something like “it ain’t over until the fat lady sings,” then he added “no offense,” this inadvertently associated me with the fat lady, which of course, completely brought up my defenses. We both acknowledge the obvious awkwardness and implication of that statement and neither of us handled the sensation very well. He questioned whether I was really impacted by what was said because he couldn’t fully feel that I was. I felt into it and now know that my vigilance was indeed stunned but I had a knee jerk response of masking it and not fully letting the impact sink in. Later at circle, a lifetime of story that I was too fat, not worthy enough, not sexy enough, not good enough to be loved came to the surface for me to alchemize. It was the perfect trigger and I knew it! I had patterns of being mad and wanting to blame him, but I have wanted and needed to touch such a wound within me for so long. I felt it for all I could; the full effect of the pain of that story and how much it has influenced me. It has blocked me from receiving love from others and for myself. This is the place where I intentionally cut myself off from any and all forms of love. Others can’t get in because I made a decision long ago not to let them; that I wasn’t worth it. My mind’s game was that I would just decide that now so that when it was proved true in the future, I wouldn’t be affected by it. Now that this story is in the open, I can see the insanity of such logic. The tendencies are painful and when I give up my story around this, it is excruciating to go into the amount of suffering I have put myself through here. I know the only way to my freedom is to feel it; “get in, immerse, and get out. All three”-Nicole Daedone.

Joe's post about our text exchange

Recent text exchange with Keri Denheeten and I that I think demonstrates the challenges and benefits of our research:

Keri: I don't want to love you anymore

I want you to know I plan to stop when this is over

When do you leave for the rest of our research?

Can I borrow your charger when I get to the house today? I forgot mine.

I'm sorry. I am sad and hurt and want to disconnect

Joe: You funny

Keri: I have a story that you don't feel me and love me as much as I do you and therefore don't want me or to be with me, when you choose to be with other women over spending time with me it confirms my story in my mind and I get hurt

Joe: Thank you
Wanna flip it?

Keri: Yes

Joe: What's the opposite?

Keri: That you love me and feel me too much to want to be with me
That makes no sense

Joe: You forgot to flip part of it!

Keri: Just give it to me, what that you love and feel me more than than I love and feel you and therefore want to spend more time with me than other women?

Joe: YES!!!
You nailed it

Keri: But you don't

Joe: I do!

Keri: Ok it is possible that you love and feel me more than I love and feel you, but you still choose to be with other women over spending time with me

Joe: I also choose to spend time with you over spending time with other women.

Keri: Do you?

Joe: And I don't think either of us loves the other more than the other. It doesn't work that way
What woman am I putting most of my time and attention on rght now?

Keri: Well, I recognize that I am getting more of your time and attention than any other singular woman right now and that in comparison to the collective of other women, I'm not sure because I don't know where you are most of the time,
But I know you have opportunities to spend with me and choose to spend them elsewhere

I would be equally put off if it were the other way, I guess.

Apparently, I enjoy making loving you a miserable thing

Thank you for staying with me here. I love you. I'm just letting myself feel it more today since I stopped myself from feeling it over the last couple of days. So because I feel more of my love for you today, I want to spend time with you and get sad about not being able to. I am sad that you are leaving and feel a scarcity of time coming up

My 5th post about our open relationship research!

I ate shitty food last night. I have been eating a lot better recently, but last night it was late and the options were narrower so I used it as an excuse to indulge. I feel sluggish today and queasy. That’s an aside to what this post is about, however. Yesterday, I agreed to be open to hearing about the makeouts that my boyfriend, Joseph is having or desires to have, basically anything he wants to tell me about his interactions with other women. This is something that he has wanted from the beginning and I was adamantly opposed knowing that it was the only thing that I asked for. I know he has makeouts and desires for other women and I didn’t want to know the details. He requested that I share my details as well and have been doing so since the beginning of this research. He asked me before women’s group to look at this area and ask other women to help me navigate my resistance here. I told him no. To me it felt like He was saying I was doing something that made HIM uncomfortable and he wanted me to go fix myself so that he could feel better. I did bring it up in women’s group. Eleanor told me that I was more capable than I gave myself credit for and made me take slow down enough to take in the stroke. I can recognize where this is true often. I recognized that me saying no to his request was a power struggle that I could control in an area that I feel I have no control. I knew that I could gain power in a different way. I also knew that it wasn’t working and I was open to changing the stroke, but it couldn’t be acquiescing to his desire. I had to manage my own system and say yes from a place of surrendering to the experience versus acquiescing or resentments would be unmanageable and I wouldn’t get what I needed to from it. I can see how my no is to protect myself, obviously, but it wasn’t working anyway. In fact, it felt worse. People were coming out of the woodwork pressing me to tell me about their makeouts or what information I wanted to receive. It felt like an unsafeported hit each time. I know there is pain under there that I have been avoiding and I’d rather be volitional in receiving it and accessing it, then to avoid it and have it come up anyway in a way that feels like a violation. Eleanor said that it was a way he wanted to connect with me further and me blocking him here was also blocking connection. I told him this after women’s group. He asked me why he would want to connect with me more and in every way. I knew where he was going and I didn’t want to say it. He played with me and made me finally admit that he wants to connect more because he loves me. It doesn’t feel loving and I was annoyed at his excitement about me saying yes to this! I could feel me blocking him. For the first time in weeks, I didn’t want his kisses or attention or to even be with him. I felt like what he was asking was disconnection not connection and I didn’t understand.

I left him and went home. I put his messages on do not disturb so that I could look at his text about his makeouts when I decided to rather than being hit with them, but I figured they would be soon because he was so eager to share it. I waited and waited and kept checking my phone anyway. I finally took him back off do not disturb because I knew it was silly in the first place, especially since I just kept looking for it anyway. After a few hours, I got annoyed and sent him a message that he was tumescing me and wtf? He had fought for this so hard and then he just keeps me waiting! He apologized and said that his makeout was cancelled and then he didn’t know what to say. I could feel my system relax and wondered if and how I had somehow witched that with my own strong aversion. Then he sent another text about how he may, well I won’t go into that but it was super intimate with another woman, something we don’t even do actually. Somewhere in there, like a lightning bolt, I shut off. He asked me how I felt. I told him that I hadn’t agreed to that part. He could tell me whatever but I wasn’t inclined to share and that he didn’t want to know how I felt. He said that he did, so I told him. I felt nothing. I had no access to any of my feelings for him. It was incredible to me, that I could go from feeling so much one minute to having it just be gone entirely. I was indifferent to him. I didn’t have the overwhelming love or sadness. It was all just gone. I know this can’t be true and maybe I can access it again, but it doesn’t feel like it. I know that it is a protective mechanism, and I have to say, I am super impressed with its effectiveness and speed!

This is how we felt before the research on my end. This is why I was resistant to knowing the details and thought it was enough to just know. I guess I don’t trust myself to come back to him and come back to the feelings I have for him. This is so interesting to me, I have never looked at this part of myself in such an in-depth way before! Honestly, right now I am still very much in the cutoff mode. I think I can open it again, but I’m not sure that I want to, at least not right away. I am enjoying the feeling of disconnecting from him, where before it was a whirlwind of intensity all the time; the good, the bad, and the ugly, but more accurately, the blissful, the torturous, and the frustrating. I could feel myself again today and it felt really good; to be happy with the sunshine on my skin and be in my own space again! I wondered whether this wasn’t a healthier place for me. Maybe before my shutoff switch took over, I was in an obsessively codependent dynamic that I’ve often been told I have tendencies toward. Maybe I am supposed to stay here and not open back up the way that I was.

This was my location over this last year with him and I was able to let the love in in some capacity because one day I suddenly awoke from the indifference and realized I loved him. I was more surprised than anyone! I didn’t quite know how that happened! So we were able to grow here. When you feel as much as I do, there is a part of me that feels like it is such a waste and quite boring to stay in the indifference for very long. I came to this practice because I had grown apathetic to all aspects of my life, with the exception of my son. Since starting my Orgasmic Meditation practice two years ago, one of the most appealing things was finally finding a place and people who allowed me to explore my full capacity of feeling. There was no more apathy and I have felt so alive and connected. I wasn’t “too much” for these people. In fact, they seemed to like my “too much” qualities and that has felt amazing!

I feel as though I am navigating my own resistance about staying in this location of indifference even as I write this. I came to this practice to feel and I want to feel everything. Hmm right now, I am still indifferent. I am scared that I won’t actually have a choice to open back up. I think this may be my lesson, in and of itself.

Thank you for reading. Please feel free to post and comments or questions.

coming out of the closet to my mom about orgasmic meditation

I have been a practitioner of Om for almost two years. It has opened me up to myself and my power in ways I never dreamed was possible! A young girl who has came into this practice recently has inspired me to look at my own sadness that I have experienced in telling my mother about orgasmic meditation. Telling our parents is a huge deal! It makes me sad because I have a similar situation., in that I have been very open about my love for this amazing , magical world I have become a part of. I have told everyone basically about my practice because I wanted to be open about something that has given me my life back, opened me, changed me! I was and am excited and I wanted to share it and it couldn't be contained! My mother was not happy. At first, I think she thought it was another one of my crazy phases! But when I joined the coaching program, she literally didn't talk to me for two months! She cut me off from any type of support that she has given me, viewing it is some sort of enabling me, maybe it was. I was hurt that she couldn't see all the beautiful freedom this practice was giving me. I wanted her to know"momma, I am finally happy! I am finally free of so many things, things that you wanted for me." Or at least she had said she did. She was always criticizing me for how I let other people's opinions of me rule my life, how I couldn't give myself credit where I deserved it, how my perfectionistic tendencies took over and cut me down, why I just couldn't see what she saw in me! There always seemed to be some sort of backhanded compliment in her words. But the metamessage was that I was not acceptable and doing it wrong in the frustration of why I couldn't do it the way that she wanted me to. And I felt like I was finally able to do it the way that she wanted me to and get free here. I then realized that she never really did want me to. But she wasn't free in this area and my own freedom was confronting her. I think that she takes on guilt and have to work through the place where I have been living for her approval. This dynamic of my relationship with her has been very hard for me. I want to celebrate all of my victories that I found in this practice with her and she can't get past the fact that I let strangers stroke my pussy, that I am somehow broken because of this. There is a part of me that thinks I am wrong for this as well, that reflects her voice within me. I don't listen to it, I can't listen to it because I want my own freedom so much more than I want to listen to that voice that I've listen to my whole life. I know what this practice has given me in my life, what I've been looking for. I know the nourishment I feel. I know the love and connection I experience. I've seen it reflected in the growth around me through all of my friends as we go deeper with each other and love and support each other and our own growth. I see the magic all around me in a world that for some reason she can't open her eyes to!

Raw, my third post about our 30 day open relationship research

I feel so small and raw today. I just want to curl into a ball and cry. LovingJoseph feels like the worst thing that has ever happened to me and that's why I keep trying to cut off and undo it. I know it's not him. I know it's tied to very deep wounds and it's actually teaching me and healing so much. But it hurts. I feel like I have to cut off because when I love people, it is too much and they run away from me and leave me heart broken. I feel too much and I make myself small to protect myself and put myself in the mouse role so I don't blow them out and they push me away which hurts so much! It just has been easier to let them come to me. I'm not sure I know what is wrong with that. It certainly hurts less. At least then I know that he can handle what I give him. Perhaps I have to learn to calibrate my love. Maybe that won't be so bad, but in the meantime our relationship has reopened and exposed a very deep wound for me and it's just like jabbing pain. I’m allowing myself to feel it now but before I was resisting. I know that Nicole Daedone says "freedom is your ability to get in, immerse, and get out; all three." I'm immersing right now for my freedom. It makes me feel so much pain. It is easy for me to put it on Joseph, but I know it was already there and he is just the catalyst for bringing it out. My eyes are all red and puffy now. I hate him, of course this isn't true, but that's what I want to say to him all the time! I'm flustered and it's so hard to stay connected here.

I’m just going to say it. My boyfriend is in love with someone else. This is an obvious place of contention between us and for me and our relationship research. I don’t have experience with open relationships from before, but I know that I don’t want to live confined in my relationships and that means exploring this dynamic. I can also feel the freedom that is available for me to feel this very tender place.

This is actual transcripts from our texts. I’m hesitant to share this because he may not be ok with it, even though we both post a lot about this experience, these are actually in the moment for us. I have intentionally not put in other people’s names. I also changed punctuation.

Joseph: “I am in the hole with you. Feeling pain and shame and fear that I didn't even know was there.
I want to have you with me all evening tonight.
I want you to come over after work and come to lead gen and hang after afterwards and spend the night and go to om day and come to the party tomorrow night”

Keri: “My first response is to question that is your desire. But I am willing and desire to do these things
I can have my son drop me off after work. Would you like me to do this?”

Joseph: “Yes”

Keri: “Ok”
“I feel exposed”

Joseph: “Yeah. Me too”
“Tender spots we've found here. I'm going to handle them with more slow attention. “

Keri: “Beautiful, thank you”
“Some of my feelings are because I know you were with this girl last night and it kills me to know you prefer her while you are pushing my love away!”

Joseph: “I feel you there. And I want to talk to you more about it”

Keri: “I don't want to talk about it. It is impossible”

Joseph: “We have to talk about it babe
It's the elephant in the room”

Keri: “I can't even think about it let alone talk and do you know how hard it is to admit that you affect me to myself let alone to you?! Or that I would allow myself to fall in love with someone who is in love with someone else?! I am so mad at myself. I feel stupid and ashamed. I feel like a sadomasochist with my heart; and then to go full on with this research. I'm probably just gonna cry the whole time. I sure hope this is healing and my freedom actually lies on the other side because this is so hard
And if it isn't, then I am just torturing myself.”

Joseph: “You’re not babe”
“You know it's worth it”

Keri: “Can you just tell me what you want to say about her so that I can have time to digest it before I see you? This limbo is horrible”

Joseph: “I want to hear your feelings and form an alliance that feels as best as possible to you;
Including giving you full veto power over me seeing her. “

Keri: “I just shared my feelings
All of them”

Joseph: “Thank you. I want more time and attn on them”

Keri: “Why?”
“You like torturing me! You are a sadist
You love that I'm so fucked up about this don't you?
I can't even hear her name without tailspinning out! It infuriates me at myself to let someone have this power over me! I want to cut off and not care about you or about her. Tell you both to fuck off and go have your happy little relationship! It has nothing to do with her. It is all about me knowing that you think you're in love with her. I'm sure she's quite lovely. I don't think I'd be so affected by it if I wasn't blocked by you, if I felt free to love you fully. I wonder why you don't block her love.”

Joseph: “This is too significant for us to not talk about”

Keri: “I am talking about it! This is me talking about it!”

Joseph: “Okay. Thank you and I am not able to give it my full attention right now. I would like to talk with you in person.”

Keri: “I'm scared to talk about it in person. I need time to digest what you have to say away from you. It doesn't have to be now. You are on my spot and I want to lead you away, but I'm not going to”

Joseph: “Think on this. I am willing to do whatever it takes to have it feel okay to you.
Including not seeing her at all for the duration of our experiment

Keri: “But I am asking for lighter strokes around this thing. We will talk about it later"

Joseph: “Ok”

Keri: “It isn't about you seeing her. It is about you loving her and going toward her while you are simultaneously pulling back from me and don’t want to receive my love. I have fear that if I ask you not to see her, it will only fuel your desire for her more and your desire is what I'm jealous of. I want you to desire me and my love! I am open to doing that or whatever you'd like to when I see you later after work. if I felt safe in your desires for me, I wouldn't be so triggered by your desire for her. It is my scarcity around being lovable and loved.”

my 3rd post, Hot!

Yesterday, I surrendered in my oms, maybe even for the first time! My day was very much in the down. I was feeling a lot, stretching to new places that felt really uncomfortable with this relationship research especially. Oming was a welcome release for me. I remember my coach, Deborah Petrille asking me in one of our sessions what it felt like in my oms when I surrendered and to hold that place as a template for surrender in my life. I remember thinking “I don’t know if I ever have surrendered in my oms!” I set a loose and welcome intention to just let go and allow whatever comes up to come up and feel it fully. I came out of the oms on another planet! I was high as a kite on energy in a way that I haven't been in awhile. It was a very expanded place. I am not typically someone who finds touch and physical contact an easy place to maneuver. I think it is mostly because it means so much that I have often put conditions on it. After these oms, I could feel everything around me. People would brush past me and I could feel my system go toward it in a way that I never have before, craving to be touched! It felt amazing to let that in and even go after it that was so new to me. I was in approval of my desires.

I asked Joseph Carr for a brief makeout , trying to ground myself mostly, but not to discount the almost overwhelming desires I have for our connection. He said yes, but that he couldn’t do it right now and had to take care of a few things and would get back to me in a short while. I agreed and came back to him in a little while. He avoids staying in the intimate spot with me and has asked me to be aware when he unconsciously resists. I went to him again and asked. He still wasn’t quite ready. I couldn’t tell if he was avoiding it with busyness, but I knew what I wanted and if it had to be with someone else, then I would. I asked him if he would like me to ask someone else and he said that I could do that and he still was a yes to our makeout. I waited a little while longer and then asked someone else. This man said he was a yes and wanted to ask the person he was working with if his responsibilities were handled so that he could do this. He happened to go ask right in front of Joseph. Apparently this had an impact on Joseph because he swooped in right afterward and said “now you knew that would get me over to you!" He came to me with fierce, deliberate, intention that was so HOT!! We had the most intense makeout! My whole system felt incredible. There was a buzzing through my whole body! It was the most amazing connection. I can still feel it when my mind goes back to it. The pressure against my back as he pulled me in, the heat in my genitals and the electricity throughout my body! WOW!

my second post back story of us

When I was contemplating whether to do this relationship research with Joseph Carr, I vacillated greatly thinking that it could either be the dumbest decision ever or fucking brilliant! Depending on the moment you catch me in, you can find either extreme.

Our uncategorized relationship actually began over a year ago. I was looking to start opening up more in my sexual encounters; to not have so many conditions around who it was that I had sex with so that I could simply start having it and see what’s there for me. I knew I didn’t want to be celibate and I knew that the relationship I thought I wanted wasn’t in sight. I was involved in the partnered practice of Orgasmic Meditation and had been for about 6 months. It wasn’t a huge stretch to start to look at some of my desires in this area and start experiencing sex rather than thinking about it.

He made it super easy for me. He simply told me that he wasn’t going to ask me to have a makeout, he was going to wait for me to come to him, but when I was ready, he would be a yes. This wasn’t entirely cryptic and we had had conversations prior to this that it was an area I was looking to explore further. It took me a month to ask him, I actually don’t remember if I did ask him or if he navigated my resistance as he does so well and I enjoy him doing. He has since teased me that it took me a month, like this was an extraordinary length of time! From my perspective, to move a lifetime of conditioning, a month was the blink of an eye! I never really took him seriously. I had far too much conditioning that relationships must look a certain way and knowing that he had sex with other women including me, was not the way I saw it. I had other lovers as well and was growing to be ok with this, to actually allow myself to enjoy my body and sexual desires.

I blocked him from any access to my real feelings and kept it very casual. We developed a pattern of my indifference and him chasing me when he was so inclined. I was careful not to let him in too deep, his lack of devotion to me in my narrow version of what was acceptable in relationships didn’t allow for me to have actual feelings for him, I was just playing and so was he, so I thought.

Jumping ahead quite a bit to more recently and what has brought about this relationship research, I turned a corner in this regard about a week before this research began. We had spent the day together, it hadn’t seemed particularly unusual or special or rare. We had actually been spending most days together in some fashion as I was more involved in the community. Whatever it was, it felt good. I enjoyed it but didn’t think much of it until later that night I had some sort of meltdown epiphany! I went home exhausted from such a full day of community and stretching myself in many ways. I laid down on my bed and I just realized that I loved him. My mind fought against it. I had spent a lot of time in denial and convincing myself that I didn’t, but in that moment I knew it wasn’t true. I loved him, despite the fact that he not only slept with other women, but he actually had more intimacy with other women and told me so often. “how could this be true?” I thought. None of that seemed to matter much in that moment and it became clear to me that I didn’t have to put conditions on the other person in order to love them. It seems simple and it is, yet it blew my mind. I knew that it was right for me and my own freedom, however. I felt good about this awareness and growth and was apprehensive as to what it meant for me now. I knew that I couldn’t fool myself anymore and in order to be true to myself, blocking his love or my own and putting up barriers that kept me from going deeper wasn’t going to work.

I mentioned what I had learned to him and to some friends and one of them, who wisely saw the potential for our own growth presented Joseph with the idea of this relationship research.

I was opposed and then a yes and then opposed again. Then I saw the dynamic that seemed rather unkind to put myself into and said no again. I vacillated a thousand times before I realized that it was already working out my own shit and I had to at least see what was there for me!

My first wall was the feeling that he liked the chase and as soon as I was a yes, he’d lose interest. We have both been very open to each other and I guess that includes us being open with you all too, as we go through this research and learn so much about each other and ourselves. I love the way he listens and takes things in and I can see where he really desires deeper connections, but isn’t sure how to navigate through his own unconscious patterns. This is my work as well, my barriers and limitations just show up vastly different. His openness to see me, hear me, love me and keep coming back to the spot has been quite admirable to me. I have myself felt to the point of quitting several times and I stop when I know I made this commitment to myself for a reason. I want to know how to access my own deep love within me. I had a moment with him where I was a hard NO to doing this research and possibly to even continuing our old relationship dynamic. After seeing how he responded to me being a yes to him by pulling away. I thought that it wasn't a very loving thing to do to myself that I would love someone who pulled away to connection and got seemingly bored when I was a yes to him. I have discovered that this isn't entirely how it works and that he is very committed to learning to grow here. We are both still learning about our own dynamic and pattern with this factor, the place where I take some of his unconscious tendencies as a reflection of how he feels about me. It is challenging, but we are both very willing to look here and do our work. When I was a hard no to him, he came back from visiting Dallas and had been gone for a couple of days. I knew I was a no at this moment and he came and gave me some affection the first time that he saw me and I could immediately feel myself open in this place that felt beautiful and loving and like a breath of fresh air. I realized that despite what I had told myself and that I was entirely surprised at my own reaction and opening here (a bit flabbergasted at myself actually), that I really wanted to access this place. I really wanted to have my own access to this place and since I didn't know how to do that quite yet. i'm willing to start wherever it shows up to explore this dynamic until I can learn for myself. I used to apply my turn on to other men and think that I can only access it through them as well. I have learned that my turn on comes from within just as this openness in my heart comes from within. If it is already within me, I can access it when I decide to and not have it be dependent on another person.

Joe's second post - week 1

Report from week 1 of relationship research with Keri Denheeten

Unconscious things I do that block love:
-use my busy schedule and work to not return text messages or see her.
-talk disproportionately about business or work. 
-talk about my relationships and escapades with other women in front of her so she pulls away.
-put my attention on other women instead of her
-shrink my body away when she gives me affection so she'll pull away.
-use being tired, having roommates, and lack of time to avoid having sex.

Her feelings are very hurt by these behaviors. And I am really frustrated also because I say all I want is a woman to love me and yet here she is and look what I do. So my work is to pay attention to all of those behaviors and work to stop them & let the love in.

Her work, is to continue to love me ferociously and not take it personally when I block her. But instead, see it as a success that she can love me beyond what I am able to take, and thus help me increase my capacity to receive. We discovered that this is part of her purpose in life, to help people learn to receive more love by loving them so fiercely they have to stretch. But it requires her not to get hit when she pushes too far, as that really is the goal.

So it's a practice. And I'm so grateful that she has chosen me to practice with.

My first post about mine and Joe's relationship research for 30 days

I had an om with Joseph this morning that had moments of hitting that spot that is so painful it nearly makes me jump. I've gotten to the point in my practice where I focus my attention there rather than direct the stroker away from my spot, resentfully thinking it's something he did like pulling the hood back too far and rationalizing where the pain comes from. The fourth dimensional understanding that I am actually alchemizing a lifetime of pain that I had previously blocked comes to the forefront. I leaned in. A whole well of emotions came flooding out of me as I lay there sobbing, releasing my pain. I came out of that om with so much gratitude and liberation.

Joseph Carr and I have recently started a 30 day relationship challenge that has reopened a dormant and suppressed yearning in me. It has opened the door for me to look at all my very painful blocks to the connections I desire. These stem from my inability to receive the love that's all around me. I am being worked through this research so much, looking so closely at where I have learned to masterfully and unconsciously block love and pull away due to my own unwillingness to allow something so deep, connected, and good into my being. I believe instead that I can't have it and ultimately don't deserve it!

This research has me continually going back to the spot and seeing what's there for me. I get easily skewed and try to convince myself that it's his fault for such and such. This takes me away from the truth that I put my desire and my focus on the other person to such a degree that I push them away and rob us of the actual connection.

I have noticed that I have been craving This other man's attention and love more since starting this relationship with Joseph and I think it's because where Joseph is all over and finds it difficult to hold the deep connection, often unconsciously dissipating in avoiding with his phone or busyness or random sexual desires for other women, This other man stays present as eager to stay in the warm gooeyness of the sweet spot as I am. In fact, this other man has a way of drawing Me in and holding me there with him if I even try to run. It feels so good! With Joseph, it almost feels like a violation to be in that space for him. His discomfort is palpable, almost painful. This is his spot where he has enlisted me to help him become more aware. I am finding it difficult because it does feel like a violation even though it's what he's asked for. I also get unclear as to whether he is really avoiding the spot or I'm not able to see what's there.

There's a place where I think"what if at the end of this research he actually wants to stay with me and remain in relationship, he actually desires the deeper connections?" Then I think "does it even matter?" No, because in those moments the possibility of actually being loved hits my most tender spot, the place that I can't even allow the possibility that someone would want to love me, maybe even couldn't help but love me. When that gets touched, I feel this pipeline that was previously shutdown,crack open. I let in air, sunshine, nourishment to Barren, neglected, desperate darkness within my spirit. It was withering and dying. It carried over to all aspects of my life and I can feel how the opening is carrying over too! No more lack, scarcity, fear, struggle, wondering why I couldn't have the things I wanted, seeing that all the while I closed off the pipeline. I had created a scenario where I died a little each day from the lack of letting my soul and being receive what it needs and is nourished by.
Being able to surrender to this opening, is like the first gasps of air after having none. Will it matter if he chooses to continue this with me after 30 days? Will it matter if I do? No, because I will have hit the spot and opened up for myself that healing well that was previously blocked. That is what I want! I am what I want! My turn on, my desire, my love.
I sit inspired by seeing the truth, grateful for this amazing experience that's bringing me so much.

I feel all the women he's connected to and many of them I have my own connections with. I feel their scarcity about what this relationship research will mean for them. I have felt the tinges of obligation to connect with them as they reach out to me one by one. In my system, it feels like they want me to calm their vigilance, like they want me to assure them that Joseph and I won't go too deep here with this because if we do then they fear they will fall away. I know I can't assure them of anything.
I wrestle between my patterns of taking care of them, wanting to reassure them and getting triggered when it hits up against my own scarcity at being loved. My mind snaps back with "i'm trying to see, grow, learn, alchemize, transform for myself here! I don't have the capacity to handle all these women's vigilance. I'm looking at my own shit! Handle yours and let me see what I'm meant to!"I realize that there's a place that this is part of my research. Where I have the opportunity to do the kind thing, but it is not entirely clear what the kind thing is. I wonder if the kind thing is actually an old pattern that isn't serving me, knowing that I have the ability to lower their vigilance, to be strong for them, to comfort and assure them. In some ways, I have opted to do so, but it reminds me of the dynamic that started with my mother. This place where I suppress my wants and needs to be stronger for another person, one that I viewed as too weak to carry it alone. Then I get resentful at having to hold them where they could be holding themselves. My mind says "I'm here to learn about me! This is my work!" It is working me! I chastise myself. "is this jealousy or taking care of myself? Am I blocking connection with these women because I feel them pulling on me to handle what they need to handle for themselves? What is the kind thing here? Letting them learn to take responsibility for their own emotions or reaching out to connect with them? Is there a way I can do both? Do I have the capacity to do this when I am already stretched and looking at so much within me? Can I forgive and be in approval of myself if I fuck it up and do it wrong? Is there a wrong?"

I came into this practice of orgasmic meditation wanting something more for my life, knowing that something more must be out there. I found my something more. Now I remind myself everyday that I am committed to myself and my own freedom and growth. I am committed to helping others have this as well. I am grateful in so many ways!

Joe's original post about our relationship research

Relationship Research. For the next 30 days, Keri Denheeten is my girlfriend. Like all research, we have both entered into this experiment to learn something. We certainly like each other a lot, but neither of us was particularly looking for a parter with a label. But when our very brilliant (and sadistic) friend suggested it we both realized that we had a lot we could learn from each other.

I want to learn how to keep a woman in my ambient attention who I'm not obsessed with. Intentionally. Consciously. Consistently considering the impact of my actions on her and keeping my system open to feeling her wherever she's at, and wherever I'm at.

I also want to learn how to let a woman love me who I don't feel like I have to chase or who I don't feel like I have to chase away. Keri is one of the most attentive, loving. affectionate women I know, and I can have her. It's amazing how resistant I am to letting myself love a woman who I fully want AND can actually have.

The first few days have felt really amazing. The rich, sweet intimacy between us is so filling and nourishing. The kisses and touch and sex is way different than before. Much deeper and more connected.

I know that we're in the honeymoon stage and we will start to get irritated with each other soon. And then the real research will begin! Then I'll get to practice handling a strong powerful woman when she's turned off, irritable, or mad at me. And discover more ways to ask for what I want clearly and lovingly in a way that she can hear and keeps us connected.

I am so grateful to have a player of her skill level willing to be in this game with me. And for such an amazing community of people willing and able to support us and challenge us and tell us the consistent loving truth. And for the orgasmic meditation practice which helps me lean into discomfort, hold more sensation, and fully feel everything that comes up.

I'll keep you all posted on what happens!