I called to tell my mother about my new job and she answered the phone in a way that sounded like her throat was tight and somewhat constricted. I asked her if I had awoken her or something and she explained that my step father had been in hospice since last week. I listened to her rattle off the details, trying to process what she was saying. I have been thinking about my step father and our relationship dynamic quite a bit lately and even half jokingly told my roommate the other day that maybe it was coming up in my being because he was going to pass on soon. to give some context to this, my step father has been ill most of my life. I remember believing that it would be a miracle for him to live to see me graduate high school, since he'd had triple bypass surgeries and several heart attacks and seemed to be just an overall kinda miserable person. I am now 37 and, needless to say, he is still around. I had spoken to my mother often and knew that he had started to have dementia over this last year that has rapidly progressed, so that was the context for my comment. I also have a rather constrained relationship with this man! He has been a part of my life since I was 18 months old and is a second father to me, but we often didn't see eye-to-eye, is I guess the proper way to say it. I was relating to my roommate a memory that had resurfaced through a Landmark seminar exercise. We had to recall the latest altercation in our lives and say waht happened, when it happened, how I "should" have handled things, how the other person "should" have handled things, etc. then we went on to another memory that brought up the same energy with a different person and do the same thing. Finally, we were directed to go to the earliest memory with that same energy and see what determinations we made there and notice how they were still impacting our relationships today. My original incident was with my 17 year-old son involving what seems to me to be bullying me. He is an amazing being and sometimes when I am distraught over regular life things, he can't seem to handle the energy of that, but often neither of us are aware enough to know it in the moment and he does something that feels to me like he's kicking me while I'm down and pushing me around. It is the most frustrating thing about our relationship, fortunately it doesn' happen often, especially anymore. The next memory that came up was with my biological father. I was around age 6. We were in the car and we were upset with each other. He had calmed down and tried to make up with me and console me by putting his hand on my knee. I was still angry and pushed his hand off in a huff. To which he responded immediately by swatting my leg very hard. I made lots of determinations in that moment, especially about men. I was unloved, my needs didn't matter, my feelings didn't matter, it was hopeless to connect because I'd only get hurt and not be understood, etc. I continued as instructed and went on to the next memory. The next one that came up had to do with my step father. I don't know if it was earlier or about the same time or what. But it came up nonetheless. I had a memory of being swatted with a fly swatter as punishment. They have the metal handle and the plastic swatter. It doesn't seem too menacing, but I remember that the metal cross left an imprint on my leg. I don't remember the decisions or determinations I made in this moment, but as I recanted this story, I remembered something else. I started talking about how my step father had told me that you could hit a person with a pillow case or something of the sort, full of oranges and it didn't leave a mark. The person I was actually telling this to was my boyfriend's father, who is also involved in Landmark. It occurred to both me and him that it was peculiar for my step father to tell me this as a child. We were investigating what his motives would be and since I had never thought much of it until that moment, I explored my memory further. He wasn't telling me it as a threat and he certainly had never done that to me. It seemed to me that he was merely sharing information. This moved me into other memories of how I would talk to him while he was watching boxing and ask him all sorts of questions about it. I had no interest in boxing! I found it rather appalling, but I wanted to connect with him in a way that felt good and apparently at a very young age I took the responsibility on for doing this.
I felt very saddened that I would have to go to such lengths at such an early age to connect with someone who was in a parent role for me. I was also proud of myself that I was brilliant enough to find a way to connect with a man who was for the most part,difficult to connect with. I also felt good about myself that I had that as a desire. It shows up very strongly in my life still as I hold connecting with people in a genuine way to the utmost importance.
These new revelations led me to the conclusion that other shifts may be occurring as his soul prepares to transition, and healing could be taking place for all of the beings he's connected to, myself included. I decided to use my Pranic Healing resources that I have been studying for a number of years. It is energy work and there is a technique that helps those who are dying to transition peacefully. I started working on him. I could feel the ease of connection to his soul as he moves in between the dimensions of living. To me they are just other planes of existence and I feel that I am more attuned to feeling these realms than most people. As I worked on him I had the most beautiful experience that allowed me to connect with his being without all of the noise that constrained our relationship. I was able to feel and express the love I had for him and honor our soul's connection, as well as his impact on my life.
I did not think that we had such a powerful connection. I am grateful to have felt it so strongly in such a way. My step father has always been very averse to any type of religion or emotional expression or spirituality, which if you know me, seems rather ironic, because I have a very spiritual path. I remember bringing him to church one time and he hugged me and made a joke that he was surprised the place didn't burn down, but I could feel his tenderness and his heart opening. Connecting with his soul as I did energy work felt reminiscent of this rare moment that he let his walls down and let me in. It reminds of how beautiful each of us are at the soul level. I am in awe of the transformation that is available to us through losing a loved one on this physical plane of existence.
