July 5, 2014 As we celebrated my son's 16th birthday with our community of loving friends all around at a poolside BBQ, there was a moment when I felt pressure, energy and heat move up through my heart into my throat and spring tears to my eyes as we all stood lighting sparklers in a circle surrounding him performing a ritual that Sasha created to honor him and our own journey's remembering when we had each turned 16 ourselves and sharing wisdom from that experience. He was instructed to request a birthday wish from each of us that could be redeemed throughout the year and we all went around the circle and said the gift we had to offer him that he could have at anytime, gifts of encouragement and love and phone numbers to call when he needed to talk to someone. When it came time for his request, he simply said "I would just like for you all to keep doing what you are doing by being the loving family for us that you are," and in that moment he melted the hearts of every person there and HE was a gift to us all just as he has been from the moment he was born 16 years ago!
Thursday, August 21, 2014
July 13, 2014 30 day challenge
There was a moment today while I was floating on a tube down the comal river with some of my closest friends that I leaned my head back into the water. I felt the refreshing coolness on my scalp contrast with the sun kissing my skin and saw the lush green trees along the riverbank upside down in my field of vision intermingling with the blue sky and puffy clouds. This serenity reflected my own peace and contentment in that moment. I took a deep breath and relished in the perfectness.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
I am so grateful that the community came together and we all celebrated my son's 16th birthday! It was amazing. Sasha created a rite of passage type ritual for him that we all did where we stood in a circle lit each other's sparklers and reminisced on our experiences as a 16 year old, then shared any wisdom we had for him from that age. Then she told him to come up with some requests for each of us for the upcoming year that he could redeem at any time and we were all to go around and offer what gifts we had for him such as, love, encouragement, acceptance, phone numbers for him to reach out. It came back around to him and he was to make his requests and he said that he just wanted them all to keep being the loving family that they have been to us. Oh my goodness, I felt my heart melt as pressure and energy shifted from my heart up through my throat and tears sprang to my eyes. There was a collective sigh of appreciation. It was a beautiful moment
CP8, WHOA
My Coaching Program 8 Experience:
I am embarking down the rabbit
hole into the magical places that the coaching and leadership program
will take me. this has been a desire of mine since I learned
about it, I just couldn't imagine that i could actually have it.
now i am learning to believe in myself and in my life and all that it
can hold. I am choosing to eat the muffin and drink the elixir
and see what each offers. what shrinks me? what makes me grow? just
like Alice, I’m in for an adventure! I am excited. would you
like to contribute to my unknown adventure over the next ten months
starting this next weekend? I will be headed to NYC one weekend
a month for the next ten months to experience an immersion into a
practice I believe in and has changed my life, there is no end
in sight down this rabbit hole!
I am a Reiki Master and I am certified in Advanced Pranic Healing, Pranic psychotherapy,Pranic Crystal Healing, Pranic Psychic Self defense, Holographic Sound Healing, Akashic Record Reading, as well as Energetic card readings. If you are wondering what all of this is, I would be happy to answer any questions. Ultimately, it means I have a large arena to work with to give you a specialized and individualized healing experience. Most of these techniques can be done energetically over the phone with profound effects. Although, if you are local, I am certainly willing to connect in person. We are energetic beings and that energy can develop blockages that affect us in many different ways. Orgasmic Meditation is another facet that I am cultivating through this program. I am so grateful to be a part of this coaching program to learn where I was stuck and holding myself back from my own desires and in doing so, help to free others from their own limitations. If you are interested in donating to help fund my program, I would first like to say a very heartfelt Thank you, and second offer you an energetic healing session for your donation of $100 or more. If you would like to read about my experiences throughout the program. I plan to update it regularly here and eventually I will move it to an actual blog. For now you can read in depth about my profound journey of even getting into CP8 in the first place below. Yes, it is very long, but if I do say so myself, it is potent and let me tell you, if you can free yourself from some of your own limitations through my experiences, it is of priceless value! Blessings on your own down the rabbit hole experience as you are on your own version of that in this crazy wild experience we call life.
My First Immersion:
April 24-27, 2014
This has been the most incredible weekend of my life. I felt so much of everything, joy, tears, love, desire, jealousy, anger, hurt, etc. I experienced my havingness level just expand to a place that I didn't know was possible and it left me speechless. I met the most amazing man. I had seen him the previous day and was really impressed with his humor and ease up on the stage. He gave an impression of the partner that he was working with that was spot on. It was beautiful. He was in another skit with his group and it was by far the most clever, in my opinion. The next day he asked me to be his partner for the yoga we were about to do and his forwardness seemed like he could be attracted to me, but I immediately dismissed this possibility because there's no way in my mind someone as impressive as he was would be interested in me. We were instructed to match heights, partner up and get mats. He was a little taller than me, but he was a slender man. I said yes, while pondering that we would probably be doing acro-yoga, which is a partnership yoga that involves stretching using your partner to aid gently in each pose for a deeper stretch and then moves into poses that have one partner be a base and the other pose on the solid base. It is designed to allow the partners to create a solid base so that it doesn't really matter if there is a size difference. Since I have heard about acro-yoga, I have been extremely intrigued, but was conflicted because of my size and my insecurities. When I was younger I was enjoyed gymnastics and moving my body despite always being heavier built. It was easy for me to do cartwheels, front rolls, handstands, round offs, even back walkovers when I was really into it. At this time in my life I was really out of practice with such things, but when I was very young I did them often and really enjoyed it, I even experimented with doing pair cartwheels and was so impressed at how easy and fun they were with a partner. But now I'm 36 and the last time I attempted such a maneuver was several years ago in a fleeting moment of youth. I tried for a handstand against the door, knowing that the door would support me, unfortunately, my arms could not support my weight and they buckled underneath me. I felt disheartened that that part of my life I would never get to experience again. I beat myself up for letting my body get so disproportionate and heavy. I accepted the truth of the situation, however, or so I thought. I had a strong desire for acro-yoga, but a lot of criticism and fear kept me from it. I knew I was going to do this, but I didn't know what emotions and judgments it was going to bring for me. I decided that I was going to have to safeport this gentle, slender man that this was a tender area for me and I might just lose my shit. He looked at me after I nervously and vulnerably shared this information with him and kindly asked "Are you insecure about your weight?" I quickly replied in a matter of fact way with an undertone of why wouldn't I be, "Yes, it is my biggest insecurity." He held my gaze and solidly but softly stated, "I can handle it." I think I nearly fainted at being received and seen in such a way. He paused with me letting me receive what he had just said then continued to tell me in his smooth sultry London accent that would draw anyone toward him that he had to confess he had a large attraction to me. I nearly fainted again. I felt my energy blow back away from him as my desire repelled against what he was saying, not allowing myself to fully believe it, but still finding it very flattering that he would even try to make me feel better. There was a small part of me that let my heart leap at the notion that someone who I deemed so extraordinary could really find me attractive. I honestly didn't know how to take it, so I moved on. He smiled playfully and then stated "I like curvy women." I smiled and flirted back feeling light and relieved that I had been willing to let him see my vulnerability in that space. We started the yoga poses as they led the whole group through them. Our touch felt so inviting and comfortable. I couldn't believe I could feel such connection with a stranger. We let our hands and bodies continue our flirtatious interaction even though our backs were facing each other. This continued throughout the exercise. I had moments where the voice in my head tried to stop me from enjoying the experience fully, but I quickly ignored them, opting for the pleasure of our touch and play, letting myself have it and deal with my mental BS later. When we got to the poses that involved more weight support, I was aware of the scared child inside me that was freaking out and telling me so. I just trusted and continued through it, knowing it would be alright. I had already told him what he needed to know and he had let me know that it would be alright too. So I trusted him and the moment and the experience and god and the universe and whatever it was, that it would be alright and I allowed myself to have it. There were times where we would face each other and eye gaze. This is not a particularly difficult thing for me. In truth, recently I have been so overt in my sexuality that I would often top my partner. But his exquisite attention touched something in me that I shied away from. Suddenly I felt like this giggly school girl. I couldn't hold it. I would break the gaze and look away and then want it again and look back but become overwhelmed by it and have to disconnect. I did this several times in disapproval of myself for not being able to hold the sensation. Critically I thought, "This is what this practice does, Elle, it teaches us to hold the sensations of the moment and here you are not able to look this beautiful man in the eyes. What is the matter with you? You can do this." So then I would try again with not much more success, but it was ok because I allowed myself to have it; whatever part of it I was able to let in. I squirmed under his attention, loving every second of it. I decided to out myself and tell him what he already knew of my discomfort, stating "I can't handle you looking at me with such exquisite attention," all the while smiling through my obvious statement. He softly and playfully whispered, "You know that only makes me want to do it more." I melted. The end of the exercise directed us to thank our partners in whatever way felt right. I had no idea how to thank such a magnificent stranger for the most splendid first interaction I had ever experienced. So I tapped in to what felt right, just as they directed us to and gently and slowly leaned in to kiss him. It was perfectly blissful, comfortable, sweet and mesmerizing. All of my senses arose around this soft intertwining that left me yearning for more of such splendor and freaking out and shying away at the same time.
The course proceeded onto the next section and I was elated for hours, until I reached a place that showed me so much about myself and my life and where I have held myself back. In the beginning of my OM practice, I started to realize that I didn't seem to know what my desires were. I learned from others and my own experiences that this wasn't going to be something I could "˜think' myself through. The only way to get in touch with my desires was to experience it. Just like when life reflects our OMs. In my OMs when I make a request, I don't always know that it is the right one. Sometimes I am just changing it up to see what is there for me in a different sensation. I learned to do this when I was very resistant in OM days and OM2 or other classes, when the leader would force us to say a request if we had not, or at least it felt like forcing to me. In my mind I was thinking, "I don't know what I want to request! I don't think they should make us do that if there isn't anything to fn request!" Then like the good girl I am, I would do as I was told and make a request. Interestingly enough, something would happen. The stroker would generally honor my request. I noticed that this allowed me to feel safer and lower my vigilant center to connect more because he or she had it handled. I learned to feel heard and that I could have what I asked for and that I could ask again if I didn't get it and I could get irritated if I didn't get it and that was fine too. I could also get embarrassed that maybe that wasn't what I actually wanted in that stroke or I could be ok with it and that was fine too. I could have been checked out and it brought my attention back. Ultimately I realized that all that I got from these experiences was information; valuable information that was teaching me about myself and my life and my desires. I started to become much more comfortable in my requests and it was just another way my OM practice has liberated me.
Being the analytical type typically, I need to know why. Initially, I had to be ok with the fact that I didn't know why I had this disconnect from my desires. That day I got my answers as to why and I don't think I will ever be the same. I realized that hard to swallow truth that I am the reason I have a disconnect from my desires; I could not risk the sensation of feeling something that I desired so much and not getting it. I learned to not even connect with what it felt like to desire something so much. I would allow myself to be content with whatever small crumbs and scraps from the table that life would throw me. This revelation profoundly moved me. I felt a vast array of emotions that I could only let flow through me and be grateful for the newfound awareness. I was angry at myself. How could I have kept myself from so much just because I was scared of feeling what it might be like not to get it?! If I didn't go after it, then I was assured not to have it? I started to see all the places I had done this throughout my life and it was so much to take. I sobbed and decided to do fear inventory. I sobbed some more until Johanna came to me and asked what I was experiencing. I told her "That I had met a beautiful man who had opened my eyes to the possibilities. That before that interaction it had been unimaginable to me that I could be engaging to anyone that magnificent. It had blown my havingness level and my mind. I was trying to process the unlimited possibilities that were suddenly there for me that I could not see before. I shared with her that even her coming to speak to me in that moment and graciously taking the time to give me her full attention despite being a big part of an amazing experience for roughly 125 other people, was blowing my mind. I also started to see where I had been given so much and had either discounted it as a fluke or didn't even acknowledge or recognize how amazing it was in the first place. For instance, the journey it took to even get me into CP8. I have been oming for 10 months in a community that has become like family. I would push back and use them to try and affirm my belief that I was unlovable and every time without fail they would hold me and call the bullshit. They continued to hold me until I could little by little start to see what they already knew; that I could have it. I couldn't believe it. I tried to tell myself I didn't want it, but the truth is I wanted it so badly that I couldn't face not having it. (Sound like a familiar pattern mentioned earlier?) As CP8 approached, I continued to vacillate. One morning I literally awoke with the thought "What if I get on the other side of this ten month program with the knowing that this was the best thing I could have ever done for myself? Would you let yourself have it, Elle? Would you find a way if you knew that?", and I knew my answer was "˜yes' and that with something as amazing as this practice that was a very real and probable possibility. From there I was a "˜Yes'. I tried to think of ways to raise the money. I went back and forth still even after that I tried to convince myself that I didn't want it, but I knew the truth despite my own attempts. I didn't talk about it much especially with the leaders because I knew what they needed to get me in was money I didn't have yet. I took on a second job. I looked into selling my shit. I cried and begged and yelled at god, screaming to the universe that "I deserve this and why aren't you letting me have it!?" until it would echo back "why aren't you letting you have it?" I knew it was truth but it was maddening. The idea that I was responsible for creating the life I wanted. "Bullshit, Fuck that! That can't be true! What about me having a shitty job?! I work all the time trying to make things better. What about me being a single mom?! What about me having a degree and things still not happening for me?! I followed the formula I was taught! I've been a good girl! I did it all right, sure maybe not conventional, maybe I made mistakes, but I'm a good person and I deserve a chance." Wow! For me to shift and see this was incredible! I'd see others having things I wanted and be jealous and resentful and use it to feed my story that god didn't like me and if god didn't like me, then I certainly wouldn't be accepted by people, not fully, not really. It sickens me a little to think how long I have stayed in this story that I was so mostly unconscious in that I couldn't break free from it. How much time I have wasted and how many opportunities did I not let myself have? More useless "˜whys' really; because what is important now is that this new awareness gives affords me the choice to change it. I am in awe and I am oh so grateful.
I saw all of my friends who were like family one by one join CP8 and my FOMO ( fear of missing out) was getting real! I could not live with myself for watching them go to NYC every month for the next 10 months knowing how badly I wanted to be and ultimately should be there. My sister friend and actual housemate, had a moment a few weeks before CP8. She texted me, "DO you really want to be in CP8?" I texted back, "Yes" Again she said "˜No, do you REALLY want this?" I said "Of course, you know I do." She texted, "ok, I am going to transfer my deposit to you and you can pay me back." I was in shock "Wait! What?! No, that's not right. You are supposed to be in CP8 with me! We are going to do this together. What is going on? We will have to talk about this later." I had a strange mixed response to this interaction. I strongly wanted to go to CP8, but this didn't feel like the right thing. This was her desire too. But her personality is usually pretty adamant. If she is saying this, she is serious. What if I actually could do this? Would I even want to do this without her?" I felt into my body and the answer was a resounding "YES!" Yes, even without her being there and us supporting each other by going through this experience together, I wanted it. This opened me up to how much I really did desire it when the possibility opened into a reality no matter how briefly. Thankfully, her moment was resolved despite her strong nature and tendency to stick solidly to a decision and we both are doing this together in the end, Whew.
Two weeks before CP8 I actually purchased plane tickets. I spoke to my father and he said he couldn't help, which meant I was going to need to talk to my mother. I had told my mother before CP7 started in a moment of desperation to try and be in that cycle, but I did it very unskillfully, unfortunately, and I told her everything about the practice with no gradual integration or letting her have the time to process any of what I was even saying. Looking back I think it would have been a better choice to have given smaller more digestible doses of information. In any case, I did not relish the idea of asking her to help me in this endeavor because I knew she had her reservations about me oming at all, let alone going all in! I took the risk anyway and she loaned me the money to purchase both mine and my housemate's plane tickets for the first immersion. I was so delighted. It actually was coming together sort of. I told very few people about the fact that I purchased tickets already. I wasn't even in CP8, but I knew that the deposit didn't go up with time and the plane tickets did. If I had any chance of going to the first immersion, I had to buy them now. They had already gone up $200 from the first time I looked into prices for flights. I thought Sasha might be mad at me for purchasing them without actually being in CP8 first, so I tried to keep it from her. After purchasing them, however, my excitement and desire only grew! I thought, "well, even if I don't make it to CP8, I can still go to NYC with everyone and it will be a nice little vacation I guess." Yeah right!
The final week before CP8 started, Raquel Corwyn came to town. I was fortunate enough to have taken my how to OM class with both Raquel and Niara DeLyon, herself, the founder of OneTouch organization. I didn't realize at the time how special this was. Everyone was running around saying "Oh you have to take this class! Niara is teaching it! It is the last one she will be teaching in Austin !" I was like "Who is this Niara and why do I care? I just want to OM. " Boy was I in for a surprise! I took the class and like everyone who's ever had the pleasure of meeting Niara, I was immediately blown away by her brilliance. It was so evident to me that what she spoke rocked me to my core. Niara became one of my heroes. On the other hand, I was so intimidated by Raquel and I am not that easily intimidated. I spoke with Sasha before a TurnOn in a rare moment that I got to spend with her that was just her and I. I finally disclosed to Sasha that I had already purchased my ticket to go to NYC and that I had a $500 deposit right now for her if she could take a $500 deposit. She told me that they weren't allowing $500 deposits typically, but that I might be able to speak to Raquel after TurnOn and express my desire to her. I was so deflated. I knew that facing Raquel was going to be so horrendous for me. It wasn't as much Raquel that scared as it was her telling me "No." I know something about my behavior when I am around the few people who actually intimidate me. The intimidation shows up in me as a true bitch! That's the side of me that comes out, not the sweet vulnerability, not even the quiet shy me that sits there stoic and doe eyed like a glaring neon sign saying "please don't hurt me." Even that may have been acceptable. But I felt there was no way that I could face Raquel and express my desires in a way that would have her feel good about giving them to me. You see, I also have learned that this bitch side to me, is not very effective when it comes to getting people to help you. You can catch more flies with honey, right? Not that I have any idea why I would want to catch flies, but even so. I was terrified and I knew that I simply would not be able to do it. So I was crying outside while production set up for Turn ON, feeling that I had come so far only to not make it. I was venting to some of the people who were also waiting that I knew well in the community. They were politely listening to my poor me story and one spoke up and said happily and lightly as if it was nothing, "I can give you the money." I think I just looked at her for a moment not knowing what to say or if she was even serious. I blinked and she said it again more slowly so I'd get it "I will give you the $500 dollars so that you can pay your deposit and be in the CP program." Pause until I received and then continued "But I want you to know that it is not me, but that you created this and that it was that easy," another pause for me to receiving. I felt my chest compress and heave as I let what she was saying sink in to me; fighting to remain checked in even though all of my thoughts flurried around in my head. "She surely must mean loan it to me. People don't really just give away things like that, at least not to me. Could she really mean that? How do I respond?" I said timidly and more like a whisper "Really?! That would be amazing, thank you." that was about all I could manage and she sensed that and said, "After Turn ON, come talk to me and I will write you a check." I nodded and sat there stunned. When I recovered I asked her more about how she came to know that she could easily create more money and she told her powerful story of being married to an affluent man who had taught her a lot about the principles of this, but that she had gotten divorced and found herself not able to support the lifestyle she had grown accustomed to and that is when she learned to put those principles to work for her and now she was passing them on to me. I sat there realizing how much I had to learn and ever so grateful to her for sharing both her wisdom and her money with me. So that was just immersion 1 and the lead up to it and that is just the tip of the iceberg of my experience of it. That feels complete, and it is certainly long enough.
I am a Reiki Master and I am certified in Advanced Pranic Healing, Pranic psychotherapy,Pranic Crystal Healing, Pranic Psychic Self defense, Holographic Sound Healing, Akashic Record Reading, as well as Energetic card readings. If you are wondering what all of this is, I would be happy to answer any questions. Ultimately, it means I have a large arena to work with to give you a specialized and individualized healing experience. Most of these techniques can be done energetically over the phone with profound effects. Although, if you are local, I am certainly willing to connect in person. We are energetic beings and that energy can develop blockages that affect us in many different ways. Orgasmic Meditation is another facet that I am cultivating through this program. I am so grateful to be a part of this coaching program to learn where I was stuck and holding myself back from my own desires and in doing so, help to free others from their own limitations. If you are interested in donating to help fund my program, I would first like to say a very heartfelt Thank you, and second offer you an energetic healing session for your donation of $100 or more. If you would like to read about my experiences throughout the program. I plan to update it regularly here and eventually I will move it to an actual blog. For now you can read in depth about my profound journey of even getting into CP8 in the first place below. Yes, it is very long, but if I do say so myself, it is potent and let me tell you, if you can free yourself from some of your own limitations through my experiences, it is of priceless value! Blessings on your own down the rabbit hole experience as you are on your own version of that in this crazy wild experience we call life.
My First Immersion:
April 24-27, 2014
This has been the most incredible weekend of my life. I felt so much of everything, joy, tears, love, desire, jealousy, anger, hurt, etc. I experienced my havingness level just expand to a place that I didn't know was possible and it left me speechless. I met the most amazing man. I had seen him the previous day and was really impressed with his humor and ease up on the stage. He gave an impression of the partner that he was working with that was spot on. It was beautiful. He was in another skit with his group and it was by far the most clever, in my opinion. The next day he asked me to be his partner for the yoga we were about to do and his forwardness seemed like he could be attracted to me, but I immediately dismissed this possibility because there's no way in my mind someone as impressive as he was would be interested in me. We were instructed to match heights, partner up and get mats. He was a little taller than me, but he was a slender man. I said yes, while pondering that we would probably be doing acro-yoga, which is a partnership yoga that involves stretching using your partner to aid gently in each pose for a deeper stretch and then moves into poses that have one partner be a base and the other pose on the solid base. It is designed to allow the partners to create a solid base so that it doesn't really matter if there is a size difference. Since I have heard about acro-yoga, I have been extremely intrigued, but was conflicted because of my size and my insecurities. When I was younger I was enjoyed gymnastics and moving my body despite always being heavier built. It was easy for me to do cartwheels, front rolls, handstands, round offs, even back walkovers when I was really into it. At this time in my life I was really out of practice with such things, but when I was very young I did them often and really enjoyed it, I even experimented with doing pair cartwheels and was so impressed at how easy and fun they were with a partner. But now I'm 36 and the last time I attempted such a maneuver was several years ago in a fleeting moment of youth. I tried for a handstand against the door, knowing that the door would support me, unfortunately, my arms could not support my weight and they buckled underneath me. I felt disheartened that that part of my life I would never get to experience again. I beat myself up for letting my body get so disproportionate and heavy. I accepted the truth of the situation, however, or so I thought. I had a strong desire for acro-yoga, but a lot of criticism and fear kept me from it. I knew I was going to do this, but I didn't know what emotions and judgments it was going to bring for me. I decided that I was going to have to safeport this gentle, slender man that this was a tender area for me and I might just lose my shit. He looked at me after I nervously and vulnerably shared this information with him and kindly asked "Are you insecure about your weight?" I quickly replied in a matter of fact way with an undertone of why wouldn't I be, "Yes, it is my biggest insecurity." He held my gaze and solidly but softly stated, "I can handle it." I think I nearly fainted at being received and seen in such a way. He paused with me letting me receive what he had just said then continued to tell me in his smooth sultry London accent that would draw anyone toward him that he had to confess he had a large attraction to me. I nearly fainted again. I felt my energy blow back away from him as my desire repelled against what he was saying, not allowing myself to fully believe it, but still finding it very flattering that he would even try to make me feel better. There was a small part of me that let my heart leap at the notion that someone who I deemed so extraordinary could really find me attractive. I honestly didn't know how to take it, so I moved on. He smiled playfully and then stated "I like curvy women." I smiled and flirted back feeling light and relieved that I had been willing to let him see my vulnerability in that space. We started the yoga poses as they led the whole group through them. Our touch felt so inviting and comfortable. I couldn't believe I could feel such connection with a stranger. We let our hands and bodies continue our flirtatious interaction even though our backs were facing each other. This continued throughout the exercise. I had moments where the voice in my head tried to stop me from enjoying the experience fully, but I quickly ignored them, opting for the pleasure of our touch and play, letting myself have it and deal with my mental BS later. When we got to the poses that involved more weight support, I was aware of the scared child inside me that was freaking out and telling me so. I just trusted and continued through it, knowing it would be alright. I had already told him what he needed to know and he had let me know that it would be alright too. So I trusted him and the moment and the experience and god and the universe and whatever it was, that it would be alright and I allowed myself to have it. There were times where we would face each other and eye gaze. This is not a particularly difficult thing for me. In truth, recently I have been so overt in my sexuality that I would often top my partner. But his exquisite attention touched something in me that I shied away from. Suddenly I felt like this giggly school girl. I couldn't hold it. I would break the gaze and look away and then want it again and look back but become overwhelmed by it and have to disconnect. I did this several times in disapproval of myself for not being able to hold the sensation. Critically I thought, "This is what this practice does, Elle, it teaches us to hold the sensations of the moment and here you are not able to look this beautiful man in the eyes. What is the matter with you? You can do this." So then I would try again with not much more success, but it was ok because I allowed myself to have it; whatever part of it I was able to let in. I squirmed under his attention, loving every second of it. I decided to out myself and tell him what he already knew of my discomfort, stating "I can't handle you looking at me with such exquisite attention," all the while smiling through my obvious statement. He softly and playfully whispered, "You know that only makes me want to do it more." I melted. The end of the exercise directed us to thank our partners in whatever way felt right. I had no idea how to thank such a magnificent stranger for the most splendid first interaction I had ever experienced. So I tapped in to what felt right, just as they directed us to and gently and slowly leaned in to kiss him. It was perfectly blissful, comfortable, sweet and mesmerizing. All of my senses arose around this soft intertwining that left me yearning for more of such splendor and freaking out and shying away at the same time.
The course proceeded onto the next section and I was elated for hours, until I reached a place that showed me so much about myself and my life and where I have held myself back. In the beginning of my OM practice, I started to realize that I didn't seem to know what my desires were. I learned from others and my own experiences that this wasn't going to be something I could "˜think' myself through. The only way to get in touch with my desires was to experience it. Just like when life reflects our OMs. In my OMs when I make a request, I don't always know that it is the right one. Sometimes I am just changing it up to see what is there for me in a different sensation. I learned to do this when I was very resistant in OM days and OM2 or other classes, when the leader would force us to say a request if we had not, or at least it felt like forcing to me. In my mind I was thinking, "I don't know what I want to request! I don't think they should make us do that if there isn't anything to fn request!" Then like the good girl I am, I would do as I was told and make a request. Interestingly enough, something would happen. The stroker would generally honor my request. I noticed that this allowed me to feel safer and lower my vigilant center to connect more because he or she had it handled. I learned to feel heard and that I could have what I asked for and that I could ask again if I didn't get it and I could get irritated if I didn't get it and that was fine too. I could also get embarrassed that maybe that wasn't what I actually wanted in that stroke or I could be ok with it and that was fine too. I could have been checked out and it brought my attention back. Ultimately I realized that all that I got from these experiences was information; valuable information that was teaching me about myself and my life and my desires. I started to become much more comfortable in my requests and it was just another way my OM practice has liberated me.
Being the analytical type typically, I need to know why. Initially, I had to be ok with the fact that I didn't know why I had this disconnect from my desires. That day I got my answers as to why and I don't think I will ever be the same. I realized that hard to swallow truth that I am the reason I have a disconnect from my desires; I could not risk the sensation of feeling something that I desired so much and not getting it. I learned to not even connect with what it felt like to desire something so much. I would allow myself to be content with whatever small crumbs and scraps from the table that life would throw me. This revelation profoundly moved me. I felt a vast array of emotions that I could only let flow through me and be grateful for the newfound awareness. I was angry at myself. How could I have kept myself from so much just because I was scared of feeling what it might be like not to get it?! If I didn't go after it, then I was assured not to have it? I started to see all the places I had done this throughout my life and it was so much to take. I sobbed and decided to do fear inventory. I sobbed some more until Johanna came to me and asked what I was experiencing. I told her "That I had met a beautiful man who had opened my eyes to the possibilities. That before that interaction it had been unimaginable to me that I could be engaging to anyone that magnificent. It had blown my havingness level and my mind. I was trying to process the unlimited possibilities that were suddenly there for me that I could not see before. I shared with her that even her coming to speak to me in that moment and graciously taking the time to give me her full attention despite being a big part of an amazing experience for roughly 125 other people, was blowing my mind. I also started to see where I had been given so much and had either discounted it as a fluke or didn't even acknowledge or recognize how amazing it was in the first place. For instance, the journey it took to even get me into CP8. I have been oming for 10 months in a community that has become like family. I would push back and use them to try and affirm my belief that I was unlovable and every time without fail they would hold me and call the bullshit. They continued to hold me until I could little by little start to see what they already knew; that I could have it. I couldn't believe it. I tried to tell myself I didn't want it, but the truth is I wanted it so badly that I couldn't face not having it. (Sound like a familiar pattern mentioned earlier?) As CP8 approached, I continued to vacillate. One morning I literally awoke with the thought "What if I get on the other side of this ten month program with the knowing that this was the best thing I could have ever done for myself? Would you let yourself have it, Elle? Would you find a way if you knew that?", and I knew my answer was "˜yes' and that with something as amazing as this practice that was a very real and probable possibility. From there I was a "˜Yes'. I tried to think of ways to raise the money. I went back and forth still even after that I tried to convince myself that I didn't want it, but I knew the truth despite my own attempts. I didn't talk about it much especially with the leaders because I knew what they needed to get me in was money I didn't have yet. I took on a second job. I looked into selling my shit. I cried and begged and yelled at god, screaming to the universe that "I deserve this and why aren't you letting me have it!?" until it would echo back "why aren't you letting you have it?" I knew it was truth but it was maddening. The idea that I was responsible for creating the life I wanted. "Bullshit, Fuck that! That can't be true! What about me having a shitty job?! I work all the time trying to make things better. What about me being a single mom?! What about me having a degree and things still not happening for me?! I followed the formula I was taught! I've been a good girl! I did it all right, sure maybe not conventional, maybe I made mistakes, but I'm a good person and I deserve a chance." Wow! For me to shift and see this was incredible! I'd see others having things I wanted and be jealous and resentful and use it to feed my story that god didn't like me and if god didn't like me, then I certainly wouldn't be accepted by people, not fully, not really. It sickens me a little to think how long I have stayed in this story that I was so mostly unconscious in that I couldn't break free from it. How much time I have wasted and how many opportunities did I not let myself have? More useless "˜whys' really; because what is important now is that this new awareness gives affords me the choice to change it. I am in awe and I am oh so grateful.
I saw all of my friends who were like family one by one join CP8 and my FOMO ( fear of missing out) was getting real! I could not live with myself for watching them go to NYC every month for the next 10 months knowing how badly I wanted to be and ultimately should be there. My sister friend and actual housemate, had a moment a few weeks before CP8. She texted me, "DO you really want to be in CP8?" I texted back, "Yes" Again she said "˜No, do you REALLY want this?" I said "Of course, you know I do." She texted, "ok, I am going to transfer my deposit to you and you can pay me back." I was in shock "Wait! What?! No, that's not right. You are supposed to be in CP8 with me! We are going to do this together. What is going on? We will have to talk about this later." I had a strange mixed response to this interaction. I strongly wanted to go to CP8, but this didn't feel like the right thing. This was her desire too. But her personality is usually pretty adamant. If she is saying this, she is serious. What if I actually could do this? Would I even want to do this without her?" I felt into my body and the answer was a resounding "YES!" Yes, even without her being there and us supporting each other by going through this experience together, I wanted it. This opened me up to how much I really did desire it when the possibility opened into a reality no matter how briefly. Thankfully, her moment was resolved despite her strong nature and tendency to stick solidly to a decision and we both are doing this together in the end, Whew.
Two weeks before CP8 I actually purchased plane tickets. I spoke to my father and he said he couldn't help, which meant I was going to need to talk to my mother. I had told my mother before CP7 started in a moment of desperation to try and be in that cycle, but I did it very unskillfully, unfortunately, and I told her everything about the practice with no gradual integration or letting her have the time to process any of what I was even saying. Looking back I think it would have been a better choice to have given smaller more digestible doses of information. In any case, I did not relish the idea of asking her to help me in this endeavor because I knew she had her reservations about me oming at all, let alone going all in! I took the risk anyway and she loaned me the money to purchase both mine and my housemate's plane tickets for the first immersion. I was so delighted. It actually was coming together sort of. I told very few people about the fact that I purchased tickets already. I wasn't even in CP8, but I knew that the deposit didn't go up with time and the plane tickets did. If I had any chance of going to the first immersion, I had to buy them now. They had already gone up $200 from the first time I looked into prices for flights. I thought Sasha might be mad at me for purchasing them without actually being in CP8 first, so I tried to keep it from her. After purchasing them, however, my excitement and desire only grew! I thought, "well, even if I don't make it to CP8, I can still go to NYC with everyone and it will be a nice little vacation I guess." Yeah right!
The final week before CP8 started, Raquel Corwyn came to town. I was fortunate enough to have taken my how to OM class with both Raquel and Niara DeLyon, herself, the founder of OneTouch organization. I didn't realize at the time how special this was. Everyone was running around saying "Oh you have to take this class! Niara is teaching it! It is the last one she will be teaching in Austin !" I was like "Who is this Niara and why do I care? I just want to OM. " Boy was I in for a surprise! I took the class and like everyone who's ever had the pleasure of meeting Niara, I was immediately blown away by her brilliance. It was so evident to me that what she spoke rocked me to my core. Niara became one of my heroes. On the other hand, I was so intimidated by Raquel and I am not that easily intimidated. I spoke with Sasha before a TurnOn in a rare moment that I got to spend with her that was just her and I. I finally disclosed to Sasha that I had already purchased my ticket to go to NYC and that I had a $500 deposit right now for her if she could take a $500 deposit. She told me that they weren't allowing $500 deposits typically, but that I might be able to speak to Raquel after TurnOn and express my desire to her. I was so deflated. I knew that facing Raquel was going to be so horrendous for me. It wasn't as much Raquel that scared as it was her telling me "No." I know something about my behavior when I am around the few people who actually intimidate me. The intimidation shows up in me as a true bitch! That's the side of me that comes out, not the sweet vulnerability, not even the quiet shy me that sits there stoic and doe eyed like a glaring neon sign saying "please don't hurt me." Even that may have been acceptable. But I felt there was no way that I could face Raquel and express my desires in a way that would have her feel good about giving them to me. You see, I also have learned that this bitch side to me, is not very effective when it comes to getting people to help you. You can catch more flies with honey, right? Not that I have any idea why I would want to catch flies, but even so. I was terrified and I knew that I simply would not be able to do it. So I was crying outside while production set up for Turn ON, feeling that I had come so far only to not make it. I was venting to some of the people who were also waiting that I knew well in the community. They were politely listening to my poor me story and one spoke up and said happily and lightly as if it was nothing, "I can give you the money." I think I just looked at her for a moment not knowing what to say or if she was even serious. I blinked and she said it again more slowly so I'd get it "I will give you the $500 dollars so that you can pay your deposit and be in the CP program." Pause until I received and then continued "But I want you to know that it is not me, but that you created this and that it was that easy," another pause for me to receiving. I felt my chest compress and heave as I let what she was saying sink in to me; fighting to remain checked in even though all of my thoughts flurried around in my head. "She surely must mean loan it to me. People don't really just give away things like that, at least not to me. Could she really mean that? How do I respond?" I said timidly and more like a whisper "Really?! That would be amazing, thank you." that was about all I could manage and she sensed that and said, "After Turn ON, come talk to me and I will write you a check." I nodded and sat there stunned. When I recovered I asked her more about how she came to know that she could easily create more money and she told her powerful story of being married to an affluent man who had taught her a lot about the principles of this, but that she had gotten divorced and found herself not able to support the lifestyle she had grown accustomed to and that is when she learned to put those principles to work for her and now she was passing them on to me. I sat there realizing how much I had to learn and ever so grateful to her for sharing both her wisdom and her money with me. So that was just immersion 1 and the lead up to it and that is just the tip of the iceberg of my experience of it. That feels complete, and it is certainly long enough.
Immersion 2
5/22-5/26/2014
I had my 500th om yesterday
morning. I asked Abram to share that with me and be my stroker. He
seemed honored by that request. I feel he should be, I wouldn’t
have asked just anyone. Oh I am in love with the London crew. They
all seem like magical beings that I’ve known always and I’m
finally reconnecting with. They are so open, loving, each one
charming in their own way. They see me and I am completely enamored.
I feel their love and that they have adopted me, so to speak. Well
most of them, anyway. There were several women who were triggered by
Abram’s exquisite attention to me. I had no idea for most of it
until it became clear. Abram and I had talked about sitting together
and the next thing I know he was sitting beside two other people. I
went and flirted lightheartedly with him about it. He expressed that
it was his desire to sit with me too, but there weren’t two spots
available together. I was playfully touching him with my arms about
his neck and I made some bold comment about perhaps sitting near his
cock. This wasn’t a huge jump since the previous night we had sex
for the first time, not only that, but it was in a room with another
couple who was also having sex at the same time. The idea of this is
way hotter than the reality. It is actually quite distracting. I
really would have preferred to focus my connection on him entirely
and delve into our intensity, especially since the other couple was
much more about being playful and explorative, whereas Abram and I
have a deeper connection. It is definitely a memorable experience,
however, and will make for a lovely story among our friends in this
very sexual community. Yay, bragging rights!
We definitely dove
into exploring the depths of this connection this infinite and far
too brief weekend. Those depths were beyond anyplace we could have
gotten to separately. It was nothing short of amazing. At this
moment in time, going back to my story , however, I was so wrapped up
in my delightful flirtation that I was oblivious to the girl sitting
next to Abram as far as me having any awareness that she may be
connected to him. She had a big presence and passion that I’d
noticed and had impressed me at the first immersion, but it had never
occurred to me that they were lovers or I never would have approached
him sitting by her to begin with. He had told me about Fiona so
openly too that I knew he wasn’t trying to hide these things. Fiona
was a girl that had connected to Abram at the first immersion. He had
told me of their interaction and that she had gotten quite upset the
following day when he was talking to another woman. She had demanded
that he stop talking to the other woman and put his full attention
back on Fiona. This extreme reaction had shocked him since he
considered there affair quite brief. The support team for the
immersion was alerted to help her through the wall she was hitting
and they all, including Abram, worked through her feelings around it
with her until she got to a better place about it. As I went to
collect my things and claim the seat behind him, the girl next to him
abruptly left. When I came back I noticed the spot and everything
suddenly became clear to me that I had unintentionally whacked the
shit out of her. I didn’t know what to do. I looked at him
stunned and asked him questions to confirm what I already knew as to
why this woman had moved. I said “why did she leave? She’s
jealous? she likes you?” He nodded and stayed with me as all of
this information sank in. He told me they had slept together a few
times. My heart was filled with compassion for her I said “she
didn’t have to move. Go tell her it is ok. I was happy to sit
somewhere else. Maybe you should go talk to her and see if she’s
ok, maybe I should go talk to her,” my thoughts and words spun
quickly. He assured me that he wanted to sit by me and that she was
going to have to handle her own emotions around this. I needed to
just sit and be with him. Neither him nor I had done anything wrong
and the way she felt about it was her shit that she was responsible
for dealing with. I sat down to enjoy the feeling of being someone’s
first choice to be with rather than bowing down to second or whatever
other place I usually settled into.
We sat together the
rest of the immersion and that in and of itself was a beautiful
exploration and play of our energies, intellect and bodies. We would
play with our hand holding and our legs and arms would intertwine
effortlessly and romantically throughout continuously fueling our
desire for each other. The only time this wasn’t the case was when
I was totally enraptured with all that I could possibly take in of
what Niara had to offer. I know to the core of my being that who
Niara is and what she embodies of awareness and understanding is so
incredible that all I can do is be in awe of her and pray to the
divine forces to help me absorb, cleanse, clear and transform
whatever needs to happen in order to receive her more. This
enlightened being has come here to wake us up! That is who she is
and I am fully on board with that and I know I won’t understand any
of it and that it is all completely beyond me or anyone here. To me
it was the equivalent of being in the presence of Jesus. Nothing
else mattered, there’s nothing I had to do other than be as fully
with her as I could and trust that everything was already in place in
every realm and level and cell of my body to receive my shifts that
will put me in alignment with divine flow. As I sat there absorbing
her being and the gift she is, I would jot down quotes of her
brilliance to ponder and share later, completely transfixed in
every way. I was sharing little blips of my awe and appreciation
with Abram and he could feel the power and excitement of what I was
experiencing. He confided to me a lunch that seeing me in my power
like that terrified him, triggering his feelings of inadequacy about
being able to handle a woman like me; a turned on, powerful, dynamic
force of orgasm in this world. Those weren’t his exact words but
my inspired interpretation of them. In any case, I had a dual
reaction to this that was polarized. On the one side of the spectrum
I was blown away by such a flattering idea that I was not only good,
but so good that I blew someone out. The other side of the spectrum
was that he was pondering not being with me, i.e., rejecting me
because he couldn’t handle it; i.e., I was too much. This was the
terrifying pattern of my life. We discussed openly and extensively
as we do everything and he continued that he had come to the
conclusion that it didn’t matter. He was going to be there, push
through his feelings of inadequacy, know that they were just fears
and be with me whatever that meant and however scary it was for him.
He and I both realized that when I expand and take it to another
level the hand is always extended for him to join me on that new
level and vice versa.
The very end of the immersion was his own opportunity to blow me away
and boy did he. He had a grounded confidence in asking these potent
and penetrating hot seat questions while Raquel Corwyn, of all
people, lead. She had seen and acknowledged his skillful violator
and it was so hot! It was the side of him that continued to draw me
in despite myself, as those violators tend to do. The other side
that’s gentle, compassion, exquisite attention, that side of him I
run toward and then shy away from when I suddenly realize I’ve
showed him my soul and feel naked, then his violator slash beast
slash penetrator slash I don’t know what but I’m grateful as hell
for it cause it cuts through my bs every time, comes in and holds me
up against the discomfort, not letting me shrink from him into the
places where my shadows hide. He nailed me oh so perfectly with this
combination too many times to count throughout our short earthly time
of knowing each other. This time, like no other, He had raised his
hand to share gratitudes at the end along with half the room when
Raquel Corwyn, affectionately known as RC asked us to close out. I
was barely conscious on the earthly realm floating on my blissful
high I didn’t think too much of it when he joyfully and excitedly
admitted he had 2 gratitudes. I remember briefly thinking to myself,
“Well, there are a lot of people sharing gratitudes right now. It
is probably best to only share one.” I didn’t say anything,
however, and of course my mind quickly shifted to the next randomly
blissful thought. The microphone finally made its way over to him
and he shared that he was grateful for “a stronger belief in
(himself)”. I did notice he had only said one, which we already
know I felt was for the best, but he had been very excited about 2 so
I asked him about his other gratitude much like you could ask a child
excited to show you his artwork from school, not expecting to be
blown away by it but excited by his enthusiasm to share it. He
smiled and quickly, calmly and matter of factly stated “I am
grateful for you.” Bam! He had completely nailed me. Talk about
disrupting my homeostasis! I had not seen that coming at all. This
was my patter of course, to discount my own brilliance and his was to
not let me get away with that shit! It was simple, clear, clean,
beautiful, direct and hit me to the core like the penetrator that he
is. I don’t even know what happened next other than I leaned back
against the chair with my feet on the ground and took his words in as
best I could. I quietly stated “well that is a lot to have.”
His words may not
feel so big, but in our realm the energy behind them is the key to
the impact they have and this interaction was all impact. He had
found that spot with in me and cut right through to it. I could feel
my reserve begin to crumble. I had to get away and release this
before I was too seen. They ended the immersion and I bolted for
solitude. I panicked as I couldn’t find any. There were fn people
everywhere. I had to get away. Just a little space, please, to
collect myself. I found an almost corner that offered a little
seclusion as I quickly plopped in it relieved for the modicum of
shelter. My ass had barely hit the floor and he was right there
beside me, with me holding me energetically as I lost any composure
that remained. He stated gently, “I found you.” And I melted. I
was entirely aware and embracing that I wanted to release this big
exposed wound fully. I’d lose the sensations but bring myself back
to it forcing myself to face it so I could fully feel it in the new
space that had been opened up for me and was safe for me to heal it.
This was exactly where I wanted to be, accessing those painful
places, allowing them to be reopened so that they could be
alchemized. He remained with me holding the space for me
energetically as I went through and continued to clean it up in
there. Then I was reborn back into joy as our friends nearby popped
up out of the huge pile of pillow they had been hiding under. No
doubt they were enjoying a bit of making out folly. We laughed and a
new lightened feeling took over as I mentioned we should join them.
He lit up with me and we dove into the pile of pillows and friends
and love. It was yet another of the many perfect moments we shared
this weekend.
*Names have been
changed including mine, although that wasn't probably necessary
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