When I was contemplating whether to do this relationship research with Joseph Carr, I vacillated greatly thinking that it could either be the dumbest decision ever or fucking brilliant! Depending on the moment you catch me in, you can find either extreme.
Our uncategorized relationship actually began over a year ago. I was looking to start opening up more in my sexual encounters; to not have so many conditions around who it was that I had sex with so that I could simply start having it and see what’s there for me. I knew I didn’t want to be celibate and I knew that the relationship I thought I wanted wasn’t in sight. I was involved in the partnered practice of Orgasmic Meditation and had been for about 6 months. It wasn’t a huge stretch to start to look at some of my desires in this area and start experiencing sex rather than thinking about it.
He made it super easy for me. He simply told me that he wasn’t going to ask me to have a makeout, he was going to wait for me to come to him, but when I was ready, he would be a yes. This wasn’t entirely cryptic and we had had conversations prior to this that it was an area I was looking to explore further. It took me a month to ask him, I actually don’t remember if I did ask him or if he navigated my resistance as he does so well and I enjoy him doing. He has since teased me that it took me a month, like this was an extraordinary length of time! From my perspective, to move a lifetime of conditioning, a month was the blink of an eye! I never really took him seriously. I had far too much conditioning that relationships must look a certain way and knowing that he had sex with other women including me, was not the way I saw it. I had other lovers as well and was growing to be ok with this, to actually allow myself to enjoy my body and sexual desires.
I blocked him from any access to my real feelings and kept it very casual. We developed a pattern of my indifference and him chasing me when he was so inclined. I was careful not to let him in too deep, his lack of devotion to me in my narrow version of what was acceptable in relationships didn’t allow for me to have actual feelings for him, I was just playing and so was he, so I thought.
Jumping ahead quite a bit to more recently and what has brought about this relationship research, I turned a corner in this regard about a week before this research began. We had spent the day together, it hadn’t seemed particularly unusual or special or rare. We had actually been spending most days together in some fashion as I was more involved in the community. Whatever it was, it felt good. I enjoyed it but didn’t think much of it until later that night I had some sort of meltdown epiphany! I went home exhausted from such a full day of community and stretching myself in many ways. I laid down on my bed and I just realized that I loved him. My mind fought against it. I had spent a lot of time in denial and convincing myself that I didn’t, but in that moment I knew it wasn’t true. I loved him, despite the fact that he not only slept with other women, but he actually had more intimacy with other women and told me so often. “how could this be true?” I thought. None of that seemed to matter much in that moment and it became clear to me that I didn’t have to put conditions on the other person in order to love them. It seems simple and it is, yet it blew my mind. I knew that it was right for me and my own freedom, however. I felt good about this awareness and growth and was apprehensive as to what it meant for me now. I knew that I couldn’t fool myself anymore and in order to be true to myself, blocking his love or my own and putting up barriers that kept me from going deeper wasn’t going to work.
I mentioned what I had learned to him and to some friends and one of them, who wisely saw the potential for our own growth presented Joseph with the idea of this relationship research.
I was opposed and then a yes and then opposed again. Then I saw the dynamic that seemed rather unkind to put myself into and said no again. I vacillated a thousand times before I realized that it was already working out my own shit and I had to at least see what was there for me!
My first wall was the feeling that he liked the chase and as soon as I was a yes, he’d lose interest. We have both been very open to each other and I guess that includes us being open with you all too, as we go through this research and learn so much about each other and ourselves. I love the way he listens and takes things in and I can see where he really desires deeper connections, but isn’t sure how to navigate through his own unconscious patterns. This is my work as well, my barriers and limitations just show up vastly different. His openness to see me, hear me, love me and keep coming back to the spot has been quite admirable to me. I have myself felt to the point of quitting several times and I stop when I know I made this commitment to myself for a reason. I want to know how to access my own deep love within me. I had a moment with him where I was a hard NO to doing this research and possibly to even continuing our old relationship dynamic. After seeing how he responded to me being a yes to him by pulling away. I thought that it wasn't a very loving thing to do to myself that I would love someone who pulled away to connection and got seemingly bored when I was a yes to him. I have discovered that this isn't entirely how it works and that he is very committed to learning to grow here. We are both still learning about our own dynamic and pattern with this factor, the place where I take some of his unconscious tendencies as a reflection of how he feels about me. It is challenging, but we are both very willing to look here and do our work. When I was a hard no to him, he came back from visiting Dallas and had been gone for a couple of days. I knew I was a no at this moment and he came and gave me some affection the first time that he saw me and I could immediately feel myself open in this place that felt beautiful and loving and like a breath of fresh air. I realized that despite what I had told myself and that I was entirely surprised at my own reaction and opening here (a bit flabbergasted at myself actually), that I really wanted to access this place. I really wanted to have my own access to this place and since I didn't know how to do that quite yet. i'm willing to start wherever it shows up to explore this dynamic until I can learn for myself. I used to apply my turn on to other men and think that I can only access it through them as well. I have learned that my turn on comes from within just as this openness in my heart comes from within. If it is already within me, I can access it when I decide to and not have it be dependent on another person.
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