Humble origins

This is what lead up to my oming. I had experienced a break up two years earlier that had rocked me to my core. We weren't married, but in my mind I thought we would be together forever. He left me suddenly. I didn't see it coming and was completely devastated and blindsided. For the first year, I basically wanted to die like everyday. It made it really easy to determine small desires that would  make life easier like "right now I want to be off by myself and put my bare feet in the grass." I was so down that it felt like I had no choice but to follow these very clear glimpses of desire. 

The second year I came out more and was ready to start dating. Much to my surprise, it felt like men would run away from me. I kept lowering my standards and they'd still run away. And I mean it when I say, it literally felt like they were fleeing. I had never experienced this before and I was at a loss as to what was happening. I now think that I was very hungry and had so much conditioning that a person I was intimate with had to adore me and be devoted that i didn't give anyone the chance to even get to know me before I would put all my energetic hooks into them. 

I was sad and lonely and bored and horny. I knew I didn't want to be celibate. My walls and vigilance were way too high to enjoy any type of casual sex. I wasn't enjoying the bar scene. I wanted a deep connected relationship but found that I couldn't seem to snap my fingers together to create it and it seemed no where in sight. 

I was bitching about the hopelessness of my situation to a trusted holistic doctor and spiritual mentor and she suggested I look into orgasmic meditation. It took another six months before I went to a TO. After the TO I was in. I felt immediately like I had found my people; the people who didn't like to linger in the shallow end but yearned for deeper more authentic connections. 

I was a very poor single mom, however, and I couldn't let myself have the class. They uncharacteristically gave it to me for free. It was taught by Nicole herself and I originally didn't know who she was or what all the hype about her was about. I just wanted to om. I went to the prepared to be thoroughly unimpressed, but she truly blew me away! I thought she was brilliant! I still do.