My Coaching Program 8 Experience:
I am embarking down the rabbit
hole into the magical places that the coaching and leadership program
will take me. this has been a desire of mine since I learned
about it, I just couldn't imagine that i could actually have it.
now i am learning to believe in myself and in my life and all that it
can hold. I am choosing to eat the muffin and drink the elixir
and see what each offers. what shrinks me? what makes me grow? just
like Alice, I’m in for an adventure! I am excited. would you
like to contribute to my unknown adventure over the next ten months
starting this next weekend? I will be headed to NYC one weekend
a month for the next ten months to experience an immersion into a
practice I believe in and has changed my life, there is no end
in sight down this rabbit hole!
I am a Reiki Master and I am
certified in Advanced Pranic Healing, Pranic psychotherapy,Pranic
Crystal Healing, Pranic Psychic Self defense, Holographic Sound
Healing, Akashic Record Reading, as well as Energetic card readings.
If you are wondering what all of this is, I would be happy to answer
any questions. Ultimately, it means I have a large arena to
work with to give you a specialized and individualized healing
experience. Most of these techniques can be done energetically
over the phone with profound effects. Although, if you are local, I
am certainly willing to connect in person. We are energetic beings
and that energy can develop blockages that affect us in many
different ways. Orgasmic Meditation is another facet that I am
cultivating through this program. I am so grateful to be a part
of this coaching program to learn where I was stuck and holding
myself back from my own desires and in doing so, help to free others
from their own limitations. If you are interested in donating
to help fund my program, I would first like to say a very heartfelt
Thank you, and second offer you an energetic healing session for your
donation of $100 or more. If you would like to read about my
experiences throughout the program. I plan to update it regularly
here and eventually I will move it to an actual blog. For now
you can read in depth about my profound journey of even getting into
CP8 in the first place below. Yes, it is very long, but if I do
say so myself, it is potent and let me tell you, if you can free
yourself from some of your own limitations through my experiences, it
is of priceless value! Blessings on your own down the rabbit hole
experience as you are on your own version of that in this crazy wild
experience we call life.
My First Immersion:
April
24-27, 2014
This has been the most incredible
weekend of my life. I felt so much of everything, joy, tears,
love, desire, jealousy, anger, hurt, etc. I experienced my
havingness level just expand to a place that I didn't know was
possible and it left me speechless. I met the most amazing man.
I had seen him the previous day and was really impressed with his
humor and ease up on the stage. He gave an impression of the
partner that he was working with that was spot on. It was
beautiful. He was in another skit with his group and it was by
far the most clever, in my opinion. The next day he asked me to
be his partner for the yoga we were about to do and his forwardness
seemed like he could be attracted to me, but I immediately dismissed
this possibility because there's no way in my mind someone as
impressive as he was would be interested in me. We were
instructed to match heights, partner up and get mats. He was a
little taller than me, but he was a slender man. I said yes,
while pondering that we would probably be doing acro-yoga, which is a
partnership yoga that involves stretching using your partner to aid
gently in each pose for a deeper stretch and then moves into poses
that have one partner be a base and the other pose on the solid
base. It is designed to allow the partners to create a solid
base so that it doesn't really matter if there is a size difference.
Since I have heard about acro-yoga, I have been extremely intrigued,
but was conflicted because of my size and my insecurities. When
I was younger I was enjoyed gymnastics and moving my body despite
always being heavier built. It was easy for me to do
cartwheels, front rolls, handstands, round offs, even back walkovers
when I was really into it. At this time in my life I was really
out of practice with such things, but when I was very young I did
them often and really enjoyed it, I even experimented with doing pair
cartwheels and was so impressed at how easy and fun they were with a
partner. But now I'm 36 and the last time I attempted such a
maneuver was several years ago in a fleeting moment of youth. I
tried for a handstand against the door, knowing that the door would
support me, unfortunately, my arms could not support my weight and
they buckled underneath me. I felt disheartened that that part
of my life I would never get to experience again. I beat myself
up for letting my body get so disproportionate and heavy. I accepted
the truth of the situation, however, or so I thought. I had a
strong desire for acro-yoga, but a lot of criticism and fear kept me
from it. I knew I was going to do this, but I didn't know what
emotions and judgments it was going to bring for me. I decided
that I was going to have to safeport this gentle, slender man that
this was a tender area for me and I might just lose my shit. He
looked at me after I nervously and vulnerably shared this information
with him and kindly asked "Are you insecure about your weight?"
I quickly replied in a matter of fact way with an undertone of why
wouldn't I be, "Yes, it is my biggest insecurity." He
held my gaze and solidly but softly stated, "I can handle it."
I think I nearly fainted at being received and seen in such a way. He
paused with me letting me receive what he had just said then
continued to tell me in his smooth sultry London accent that would
draw anyone toward him that he had to confess he had a large
attraction to me. I nearly fainted again. I felt my
energy blow back away from him as my desire repelled against what he
was saying, not allowing myself to fully believe it, but still
finding it very flattering that he would even try to make me feel
better. There was a small part of me that let my heart leap at
the notion that someone who I deemed so extraordinary could really
find me attractive. I honestly didn't know how to take it, so I moved
on. He smiled playfully and then stated "I like curvy
women." I smiled and flirted back feeling light and
relieved that I had been willing to let him see my vulnerability in
that space. We started the yoga poses as they led the whole group
through them. Our touch felt so inviting and comfortable.
I couldn't believe I could feel such connection with a stranger.
We let our hands and bodies continue our flirtatious interaction even
though our backs were facing each other. This continued
throughout the exercise. I had moments where the voice in my
head tried to stop me from enjoying the experience fully, but I
quickly ignored them, opting for the pleasure of our touch and play,
letting myself have it and deal with my mental BS later. When we got
to the poses that involved more weight support, I was aware of the
scared child inside me that was freaking out and telling me so.
I just trusted and continued through it, knowing it would be
alright. I had already told him what he needed to know and he
had let me know that it would be alright too. So I trusted him and
the moment and the experience and god and the universe and whatever
it was, that it would be alright and I allowed myself to have it.
There were times where we would face each other and eye gaze.
This is not a particularly difficult thing for me. In truth,
recently I have been so overt in my sexuality that I would often top
my partner. But his exquisite attention touched something in me
that I shied away from. Suddenly I felt like this giggly school girl.
I couldn't hold it. I would break the gaze and look away and then
want it again and look back but become overwhelmed by it and have to
disconnect. I did this several times in disapproval of myself
for not being able to hold the sensation. Critically I thought,
"This is what this practice does, Elle, it teaches us to hold
the sensations of the moment and here you are not able to look this
beautiful man in the eyes. What is the matter with you? You can do
this." So then I would try again with not much more success, but
it was ok because I allowed myself to have it; whatever part of it I
was able to let in. I squirmed under his attention, loving
every second of it. I decided to out myself and tell him what
he already knew of my discomfort, stating "I can't handle you
looking at me with such exquisite attention," all the while
smiling through my obvious statement. He softly and playfully
whispered, "You know that only makes me want to do it more."
I melted. The end of the exercise directed us to thank our partners
in whatever way felt right. I had no idea how to thank such a
magnificent stranger for the most splendid first interaction I had
ever experienced. So I tapped in to what felt right, just as they
directed us to and gently and slowly leaned in to kiss him. It was
perfectly blissful, comfortable, sweet and mesmerizing. All of
my senses arose around this soft intertwining that left me yearning
for more of such splendor and freaking out and shying away at the
same time.
The course proceeded onto the next section
and I was elated for hours, until I reached a place that showed me so
much about myself and my life and where I have held myself back.
In the beginning of my OM practice, I started to realize that I
didn't seem to know what my desires were. I learned from others
and my own experiences that this wasn't going to be something I could
"˜think' myself through. The only way to get in touch
with my desires was to experience it. Just like when life
reflects our OMs. In my OMs when I make a request, I don't
always know that it is the right one. Sometimes I am just
changing it up to see what is there for me in a different sensation.
I learned to do this when I was very resistant in OM days and OM2 or
other classes, when the leader would force us to say a request if we
had not, or at least it felt like forcing to me. In my mind I
was thinking, "I don't know what I want to request! I don't
think they should make us do that if there isn't anything to fn
request!" Then like the good girl I am, I would do as I was told
and make a request. Interestingly enough, something would
happen. The stroker would generally honor my request. I noticed
that this allowed me to feel safer and lower my vigilant center to
connect more because he or she had it handled. I learned to
feel heard and that I could have what I asked for and that I could
ask again if I didn't get it and I could get irritated if I didn't
get it and that was fine too. I could also get embarrassed that maybe
that wasn't what I actually wanted in that stroke or I could be ok
with it and that was fine too. I could have been checked out
and it brought my attention back. Ultimately I realized that all that
I got from these experiences was information; valuable information
that was teaching me about myself and my life and my desires. I
started to become much more comfortable in my requests and it was
just another way my OM practice has liberated me.
Being
the analytical type typically, I need to know why. Initially, I
had to be ok with the fact that I didn't know why I had this
disconnect from my desires. That day I got my answers as to why
and I don't think I will ever be the same. I realized that hard
to swallow truth that I am the reason I have a disconnect from my
desires; I could not risk the sensation of feeling something that I
desired so much and not getting it. I learned to not even
connect with what it felt like to desire something so much. I
would allow myself to be content with whatever small crumbs and
scraps from the table that life would throw me. This revelation
profoundly moved me. I felt a vast array of emotions that I
could only let flow through me and be grateful for the newfound
awareness. I was angry at myself. How could I have kept myself
from so much just because I was scared of feeling what it might be
like not to get it?! If I didn't go after it, then I was assured not
to have it? I started to see all the places I had done this
throughout my life and it was so much to take. I sobbed and
decided to do fear inventory. I sobbed some more until Johanna
came to me and asked what I was experiencing. I told her "That
I had met a beautiful man who had opened my eyes to the
possibilities. That before that interaction it had been
unimaginable to me that I could be engaging to anyone that
magnificent. It had blown my havingness level and my mind.
I was trying to process the unlimited possibilities that were
suddenly there for me that I could not see before. I shared
with her that even her coming to speak to me in that moment and
graciously taking the time to give me her full attention despite
being a big part of an amazing experience for roughly 125 other
people, was blowing my mind. I also started to see where I had
been given so much and had either discounted it as a fluke or didn't
even acknowledge or recognize how amazing it was in the first place.
For instance, the journey it took to even get me into CP8. I
have been oming for 10 months in a community that has become like
family. I would push back and use them to try and affirm my
belief that I was unlovable and every time without fail they would
hold me and call the bullshit. They continued to hold me until
I could little by little start to see what they already knew; that I
could have it. I couldn't believe it. I tried to tell
myself I didn't want it, but the truth is I wanted it so badly that I
couldn't face not having it. (Sound like a familiar pattern mentioned
earlier?) As CP8 approached, I continued to vacillate. One
morning I literally awoke with the thought "What if I get on the
other side of this ten month program with the knowing that this was
the best thing I could have ever done for myself? Would you let
yourself have it, Elle? Would you find a way if you knew
that?", and I knew my answer was "˜yes' and that with
something as amazing as this practice that was a very real and
probable possibility. From there I was a "˜Yes'. I
tried to think of ways to raise the money. I went back and
forth still even after that I tried to convince myself that I didn't
want it, but I knew the truth despite my own attempts. I didn't
talk about it much especially with the leaders because I knew what
they needed to get me in was money I didn't have yet. I took on
a second job. I looked into selling my shit. I cried and begged and
yelled at god, screaming to the universe that "I deserve this
and why aren't you letting me have it!?" until it would echo
back "why aren't you letting you have it?" I knew it was
truth but it was maddening. The idea that I was responsible for
creating the life I wanted. "Bullshit, Fuck that! That
can't be true! What about me having a shitty job?! I work all
the time trying to make things better. What about me being a single
mom?! What about me having a degree and things still not happening
for me?! I followed the formula I was taught! I've been a good girl!
I did it all right, sure maybe not conventional, maybe I made
mistakes, but I'm a good person and I deserve a chance." Wow!
For me to shift and see this was incredible! I'd see others having
things I wanted and be jealous and resentful and use it to feed my
story that god didn't like me and if god didn't like me, then I
certainly wouldn't be accepted by people, not fully, not really.
It sickens me a little to think how long I have stayed in this story
that I was so mostly unconscious in that I couldn't break free from
it. How much time I have wasted and how many opportunities did
I not let myself have? More useless "˜whys' really; because
what is important now is that this new awareness gives affords me the
choice to change it. I am in awe and I am oh so grateful.
I
saw all of my friends who were like family one by one join CP8 and my
FOMO ( fear of missing out) was getting real! I could not live with
myself for watching them go to NYC every month for the next 10 months
knowing how badly I wanted to be and ultimately should be there.
My sister friend and actual housemate, had a moment a few weeks
before CP8. She texted me, "DO you really want to be in
CP8?" I texted back, "Yes" Again she said "˜No,
do you REALLY want this?" I said "Of course, you know
I do." She texted, "ok, I am going to transfer my
deposit to you and you can pay me back." I was in shock
"Wait! What?! No, that's not right. You are supposed to be in
CP8 with me! We are going to do this together. What is going on? We
will have to talk about this later." I had a strange mixed
response to this interaction. I strongly wanted to go to CP8,
but this didn't feel like the right thing. This was her desire
too. But her personality is usually pretty adamant. If
she is saying this, she is serious. What if I actually could do
this? Would I even want to do this without her?" I felt into my
body and the answer was a resounding "YES!" Yes, even
without her being there and us supporting each other by going through
this experience together, I wanted it. This opened me up to how
much I really did desire it when the possibility opened into a
reality no matter how briefly. Thankfully, her moment was
resolved despite her strong nature and tendency to stick solidly to a
decision and we both are doing this together in the end, Whew.
Two
weeks before CP8 I actually purchased plane tickets. I spoke to my
father and he said he couldn't help, which meant I was going to need
to talk to my mother. I had told my mother before CP7 started
in a moment of desperation to try and be in that cycle, but I did it
very unskillfully, unfortunately, and I told her everything about the
practice with no gradual integration or letting her have the time to
process any of what I was even saying. Looking back I think it
would have been a better choice to have given smaller more digestible
doses of information. In any case, I did not relish the idea of
asking her to help me in this endeavor because I knew she had her
reservations about me oming at all, let alone going all in! I
took the risk anyway and she loaned me the money to purchase both
mine and my housemate's plane tickets for the first immersion.
I was so delighted. It actually was coming together sort of. I
told very few people about the fact that I purchased tickets
already. I wasn't even in CP8, but I knew that the deposit
didn't go up with time and the plane tickets did. If I had any
chance of going to the first immersion, I had to buy them now. They
had already gone up $200 from the first time I looked into prices for
flights. I thought Sasha might be mad at me for purchasing them
without actually being in CP8 first, so I tried to keep it from her.
After purchasing them, however, my excitement and desire only grew! I
thought, "well, even if I don't make it to CP8, I can still go
to NYC with everyone and it will be a nice little vacation I guess."
Yeah right!
The final week before CP8 started, Raquel
Corwyn came to town. I was fortunate enough to have taken my
how to OM class with both Raquel and Niara DeLyon, herself, the
founder of OneTouch organization. I didn't realize at the time
how special this was. Everyone was running around saying "Oh
you have to take this class! Niara is teaching it! It is the
last one she will be teaching in Austin !" I was like "Who
is this Niara and why do I care? I just want to OM. " Boy was I
in for a surprise! I took the class and like everyone who's
ever had the pleasure of meeting Niara, I was immediately blown away
by her brilliance. It was so evident to me that what she spoke
rocked me to my core. Niara became one of my heroes. On
the other hand, I was so intimidated by Raquel and I am not that
easily intimidated. I spoke with Sasha before a TurnOn in a
rare moment that I got to spend with her that was just her and I.
I finally disclosed to Sasha that I had already purchased my ticket
to go to NYC and that I had a $500 deposit right now for her if she
could take a $500 deposit. She told me that they weren't
allowing $500 deposits typically, but that I might be able to speak
to Raquel after TurnOn and express my desire to her. I was so
deflated. I knew that facing Raquel was going to be so
horrendous for me. It wasn't as much Raquel that scared as it was her
telling me "No." I know something about my behavior
when I am around the few people who actually intimidate me. The
intimidation shows up in me as a true bitch! That's the side of
me that comes out, not the sweet vulnerability, not even the quiet
shy me that sits there stoic and doe eyed like a glaring neon sign
saying "please don't hurt me." Even that may have been
acceptable. But I felt there was no way that I could face Raquel and
express my desires in a way that would have her feel good about
giving them to me. You see, I also have learned that this bitch
side to me, is not very effective when it comes to getting people to
help you. You can catch more flies with honey, right? Not that
I have any idea why I would want to catch flies, but even so. I
was terrified and I knew that I simply would not be able to do it.
So I was crying outside while production set up for Turn ON, feeling
that I had come so far only to not make it. I was venting to
some of the people who were also waiting that I knew well in the
community. They were politely listening to my poor me story and
one spoke up and said happily and lightly as if it was nothing, "I
can give you the money." I think I just looked at her for a
moment not knowing what to say or if she was even serious. I blinked
and she said it again more slowly so I'd get it "I will give you
the $500 dollars so that you can pay your deposit and be in the CP
program." Pause until I received and then continued "But
I want you to know that it is not me, but that you created this and
that it was that easy," another pause for me to receiving.
I felt my chest compress and heave as I let what she was saying sink
in to me; fighting to remain checked in even though all of my
thoughts flurried around in my head. "She surely must mean loan
it to me. People don't really just give away things like that, at
least not to me. Could she really mean that? How do I respond?"
I said timidly and more like a whisper "Really?! That would be
amazing, thank you." that was about all I could manage and she
sensed that and said, "After Turn ON, come talk to me and I will
write you a check." I nodded and sat there stunned.
When I recovered I asked her more about how she came to know that she
could easily create more money and she told her powerful story of
being married to an affluent man who had taught her a lot about the
principles of this, but that she had gotten divorced and found
herself not able to support the lifestyle she had grown accustomed to
and that is when she learned to put those principles to work for her
and now she was passing them on to me. I sat there realizing
how much I had to learn and ever so grateful to her for sharing both
her wisdom and her money with me. So that was just immersion 1
and the lead up to it and that is just the tip of the iceberg of my
experience of it. That feels complete, and it is certainly long
enough.
Immersion 2
5/22-5/26/2014
I had my 500th om yesterday
morning. I asked Abram to share that with me and be my stroker. He
seemed honored by that request. I feel he should be, I wouldn’t
have asked just anyone. Oh I am in love with the London crew. They
all seem like magical beings that I’ve known always and I’m
finally reconnecting with. They are so open, loving, each one
charming in their own way. They see me and I am completely enamored.
I feel their love and that they have adopted me, so to speak. Well
most of them, anyway. There were several women who were triggered by
Abram’s exquisite attention to me. I had no idea for most of it
until it became clear. Abram and I had talked about sitting together
and the next thing I know he was sitting beside two other people. I
went and flirted lightheartedly with him about it. He expressed that
it was his desire to sit with me too, but there weren’t two spots
available together. I was playfully touching him with my arms about
his neck and I made some bold comment about perhaps sitting near his
cock. This wasn’t a huge jump since the previous night we had sex
for the first time, not only that, but it was in a room with another
couple who was also having sex at the same time. The idea of this is
way hotter than the reality. It is actually quite distracting. I
really would have preferred to focus my connection on him entirely
and delve into our intensity, especially since the other couple was
much more about being playful and explorative, whereas Abram and I
have a deeper connection. It is definitely a memorable experience,
however, and will make for a lovely story among our friends in this
very sexual community. Yay, bragging rights!
We definitely dove
into exploring the depths of this connection this infinite and far
too brief weekend. Those depths were beyond anyplace we could have
gotten to separately. It was nothing short of amazing. At this
moment in time, going back to my story , however, I was so wrapped up
in my delightful flirtation that I was oblivious to the girl sitting
next to Abram as far as me having any awareness that she may be
connected to him. She had a big presence and passion that I’d
noticed and had impressed me at the first immersion, but it had never
occurred to me that they were lovers or I never would have approached
him sitting by her to begin with. He had told me about Fiona so
openly too that I knew he wasn’t trying to hide these things. Fiona
was a girl that had connected to Abram at the first immersion. He had
told me of their interaction and that she had gotten quite upset the
following day when he was talking to another woman. She had demanded
that he stop talking to the other woman and put his full attention
back on Fiona. This extreme reaction had shocked him since he
considered there affair quite brief. The support team for the
immersion was alerted to help her through the wall she was hitting
and they all, including Abram, worked through her feelings around it
with her until she got to a better place about it. As I went to
collect my things and claim the seat behind him, the girl next to him
abruptly left. When I came back I noticed the spot and everything
suddenly became clear to me that I had unintentionally whacked the
shit out of her. I didn’t know what to do. I looked at him
stunned and asked him questions to confirm what I already knew as to
why this woman had moved. I said “why did she leave? She’s
jealous? she likes you?” He nodded and stayed with me as all of
this information sank in. He told me they had slept together a few
times. My heart was filled with compassion for her I said “she
didn’t have to move. Go tell her it is ok. I was happy to sit
somewhere else. Maybe you should go talk to her and see if she’s
ok, maybe I should go talk to her,” my thoughts and words spun
quickly. He assured me that he wanted to sit by me and that she was
going to have to handle her own emotions around this. I needed to
just sit and be with him. Neither him nor I had done anything wrong
and the way she felt about it was her shit that she was responsible
for dealing with. I sat down to enjoy the feeling of being someone’s
first choice to be with rather than bowing down to second or whatever
other place I usually settled into.
We sat together the
rest of the immersion and that in and of itself was a beautiful
exploration and play of our energies, intellect and bodies. We would
play with our hand holding and our legs and arms would intertwine
effortlessly and romantically throughout continuously fueling our
desire for each other. The only time this wasn’t the case was when
I was totally enraptured with all that I could possibly take in of
what Niara had to offer. I know to the core of my being that who
Niara is and what she embodies of awareness and understanding is so
incredible that all I can do is be in awe of her and pray to the
divine forces to help me absorb, cleanse, clear and transform
whatever needs to happen in order to receive her more. This
enlightened being has come here to wake us up! That is who she is
and I am fully on board with that and I know I won’t understand any
of it and that it is all completely beyond me or anyone here. To me
it was the equivalent of being in the presence of Jesus. Nothing
else mattered, there’s nothing I had to do other than be as fully
with her as I could and trust that everything was already in place in
every realm and level and cell of my body to receive my shifts that
will put me in alignment with divine flow. As I sat there absorbing
her being and the gift she is, I would jot down quotes of her
brilliance to ponder and share later, completely transfixed in
every way. I was sharing little blips of my awe and appreciation
with Abram and he could feel the power and excitement of what I was
experiencing. He confided to me a lunch that seeing me in my power
like that terrified him, triggering his feelings of inadequacy about
being able to handle a woman like me; a turned on, powerful, dynamic
force of orgasm in this world. Those weren’t his exact words but
my inspired interpretation of them. In any case, I had a dual
reaction to this that was polarized. On the one side of the spectrum
I was blown away by such a flattering idea that I was not only good,
but so good that I blew someone out. The other side of the spectrum
was that he was pondering not being with me, i.e., rejecting me
because he couldn’t handle it; i.e., I was too much. This was the
terrifying pattern of my life. We discussed openly and extensively
as we do everything and he continued that he had come to the
conclusion that it didn’t matter. He was going to be there, push
through his feelings of inadequacy, know that they were just fears
and be with me whatever that meant and however scary it was for him.
He and I both realized that when I expand and take it to another
level the hand is always extended for him to join me on that new
level and vice versa.
The very end of the immersion was his own opportunity to blow me away
and boy did he. He had a grounded confidence in asking these potent
and penetrating hot seat questions while Raquel Corwyn, of all
people, lead. She had seen and acknowledged his skillful violator
and it was so hot! It was the side of him that continued to draw me
in despite myself, as those violators tend to do. The other side
that’s gentle, compassion, exquisite attention, that side of him I
run toward and then shy away from when I suddenly realize I’ve
showed him my soul and feel naked, then his violator slash beast
slash penetrator slash I don’t know what but I’m grateful as hell
for it cause it cuts through my bs every time, comes in and holds me
up against the discomfort, not letting me shrink from him into the
places where my shadows hide. He nailed me oh so perfectly with this
combination too many times to count throughout our short earthly time
of knowing each other. This time, like no other, He had raised his
hand to share gratitudes at the end along with half the room when
Raquel Corwyn, affectionately known as RC asked us to close out. I
was barely conscious on the earthly realm floating on my blissful
high I didn’t think too much of it when he joyfully and excitedly
admitted he had 2 gratitudes. I remember briefly thinking to myself,
“Well, there are a lot of people sharing gratitudes right now. It
is probably best to only share one.” I didn’t say anything,
however, and of course my mind quickly shifted to the next randomly
blissful thought. The microphone finally made its way over to him
and he shared that he was grateful for “a stronger belief in
(himself)”. I did notice he had only said one, which we already
know I felt was for the best, but he had been very excited about 2 so
I asked him about his other gratitude much like you could ask a child
excited to show you his artwork from school, not expecting to be
blown away by it but excited by his enthusiasm to share it. He
smiled and quickly, calmly and matter of factly stated “I am
grateful for you.” Bam! He had completely nailed me. Talk about
disrupting my homeostasis! I had not seen that coming at all. This
was my patter of course, to discount my own brilliance and his was to
not let me get away with that shit! It was simple, clear, clean,
beautiful, direct and hit me to the core like the penetrator that he
is. I don’t even know what happened next other than I leaned back
against the chair with my feet on the ground and took his words in as
best I could. I quietly stated “well that is a lot to have.”
His words may not
feel so big, but in our realm the energy behind them is the key to
the impact they have and this interaction was all impact. He had
found that spot with in me and cut right through to it. I could feel
my reserve begin to crumble. I had to get away and release this
before I was too seen. They ended the immersion and I bolted for
solitude. I panicked as I couldn’t find any. There were fn people
everywhere. I had to get away. Just a little space, please, to
collect myself. I found an almost corner that offered a little
seclusion as I quickly plopped in it relieved for the modicum of
shelter. My ass had barely hit the floor and he was right there
beside me, with me holding me energetically as I lost any composure
that remained. He stated gently, “I found you.” And I melted. I
was entirely aware and embracing that I wanted to release this big
exposed wound fully. I’d lose the sensations but bring myself back
to it forcing myself to face it so I could fully feel it in the new
space that had been opened up for me and was safe for me to heal it.
This was exactly where I wanted to be, accessing those painful
places, allowing them to be reopened so that they could be
alchemized. He remained with me holding the space for me
energetically as I went through and continued to clean it up in
there. Then I was reborn back into joy as our friends nearby popped
up out of the huge pile of pillow they had been hiding under. No
doubt they were enjoying a bit of making out folly. We laughed and a
new lightened feeling took over as I mentioned we should join them.
He lit up with me and we dove into the pile of pillows and friends
and love. It was yet another of the many perfect moments we shared
this weekend.
*Names have been
changed including mine, although that wasn't probably necessary
