Male oms by Ken

Ken blackmen on male om 

I want to say a few words about male stroking, since it comes up often. 

As a preface I'll say that there was a thriving, successful Male OM practice at OneTaste for a period of a few years while I was there, and we learned a ton about what the pitfalls are and what it takes for that to exist. It took a few years to get it right. I should also say that this obviously isn't OT canon or anyone else's canon, just my personal thoughts.

�First of all, it’s hard for men to really fathom how deeply conditioned women are around sexual service-providing. A woman can be lying in OM position, getting stroked, with nothing asked of her other than to feel and give adjustments, and still reflexively be thinking about whether he's enjoying it and what she's supposed to be doing to make it pleasurable for him.

Men have no clue how difficult it can be for a woman to deliver a clean “no” to a guy who’s been stroking her and then asks to get stroked. 

And how hard it would be to then even confront getting stroked by him in the future, let alone requesting it, having declined stroking him.

Many many many many women were only able to bring themselves to spread their legs and get stroked by a guy they don’t want to have sex with because OneTaste was able to give them strong, credible assurances that there would be NOTHING they have to do to pay back. Ever. 

This whole idea that both people are doing it for the experience of doing it, not to get something else in return, only became believable to many women once they knew that the idea of her stroking him is NOT ON THE TABLE. It is not an option. 

For many women that was an absolute necessary precondition to their saying yes to OM in the first place.

Second, when a woman strokes a man, just being in that setting invokes within both of them a whole slew of deeply ingrained cultural conditioning around sex, much more powerfully than him stroking her does. They quickly fall into roles, learned patterns and dynamics that just weren’t present when he was stroking her.

Third, male stroking is much more overtly sexual than pussy stroking is. Penises tend to be more dramatically responsive — they have erections, they climax hard and ejaculate stuff, etc. (Or NOT. Which can come with its own set of issues.) It’s much harder to have the experience be anything other than an overtly sexual encounter.

Four, many guys who are asking about male stroking are coming from a place of sexual hunger and are looking to fill that with OM. They have no clue how not-fitting-the-bill what they’re asking for actually is. The request can be harmful to their existing practice, for the reasons given above. And more often than not (historically speaking) one of two things happens. An actual OM would be more aggravating for him than anything else, and for her as well. Or it turns into a hand job.

Which brings us to hand jobs. I think hand jobs are FANTASTIC. I think they’re the bomb. I’m a big thumbs up for them. As is my partner. But it’s not an OM.

So if a guy already has a fantastic sex life, is getting everything he wants and is coming form a place of fullness, his request to specifically experience the container of OM has a bit more credibility. If he’s not, OM is a uniquely bad way to attempt to get what’s missing. It’s not a good substitute for doing the necessary work to rectify whatever is keeping him from having a great sex life. 

Lots of guys around the world have very fulfilling, gratifying sex lives. And that’s available to you too.

You’re actually much better off asking for a hand job, even in a vulnerable way that lets her feel your hunger, than asking for an OM-equivalent where she strokes you. It’s just not what you think, and denigrates what it is.

Incidentally, OM isn’t a substitute for sex for women either. There are lots of women who are getting stroked regularly but aren’t getting the sex they want, and it’s excruciating.

Five. So this used to happen regularly. A couple would come and get OM trained. And it’s great and they’re happy and they have a thriving practice. And after some time, they come back and she says, I feel really full, I’ve had all the orgasm I could want and more, my husband is an amazing stroker and an amazing man and I’m ready to give back, to really, really pleasure him. Will you teach us male stroking? And I’d say, hmmmm, my recommendation is that you keep doing what you’re doing. Have regular OMs, have whatever sex you want, suck is cock if you want, give him hand jobs, etc. And they’re both shocked. And she says, wait, you don’t understand, I’ve gotten full. And I’m like, yep.

Then lots more time goes by and they come back. And she says, I feel like orgasm is coming out of my pores. And for some reason these days I’m obsessed with cock. I want to fuck it, and suck it, and stroke it, and see it glisten, and feel the texture of his skin in my mouth, and feel it in my hands. And — I’m embarrassed to admit this — it kinda doesn’t matter which cock it is. I find myself at work or at the grocery store, wondering what the baggage guy’s dick looks like. 

And at that point I say, maybe you two should learn male OM.

So what I want to say as a guy is, I’m obsessed with pussy. Really, I’m not obsessed with my cock, I’m obsessed with your pussy. And many, perhaps, most, guys I know feel that way too. And many, many women I know are just as obsessed with cock as I am with pussy. And many more — possibly most, because I think being obsessed with each other’s genitals is our natural state — who would be but have never been given the opportunity to truly experience cocklust. And I just have no interest or patience in having someone engaging my genitals who isn’t as obsessed with mine as I am with hers. That’s what it means to stroke for your own pleasure and that’s what I want for both men and women. And that’s what makes OM what it is.

So what I want to say to the men who are thinking they wish male stroking were more available, if she isn’t genuinely in that place of stroking for her own pleasure — not really thinking that much about you or pleasuring you, nor does she have to because cocks aren’t that complicated compared to pussies, and what makes it better than something you do yourself is when she’s stroking you from that place — if she’s not genuinely in that place, then you’re jumping the gun. 

And by genuinely, I mean there are a thousand false versions that have been ingrained into women that are not actually stroking for her own pleasure. And her path to getting there often looks vastly different from how it looks for a guy.

And so there’s an experience that’s available to you as a cock-bearing person, that would spoil you to anything that would come of you “convincing” someone to stroke you. It would spoil you to any level of service providing, or anything less than HER desire and wanting to experience stroking you. And the question becomes whether you’re interested in joining the ranks of men who have that kind of experience with women.

Wisdom by Jeanette LeBlanc

Listen to me. Right now.

You are right. Fuck it. No more. Never again.

You are not too much. You have never been too much. You will never be too much.

The very idea is preposterous. Because you were born to be you. All of you. Not a tiny acceptable sliver. Not a watered down version with colors dulled and edges softened.

No. You were meant to be every last pulsing-bleeding-loving-crying-feeling bit.

And if someone tells you that you are too much for them, the only truth you need to remember is this:

It is highly likely that they are not now, and never could have been, near enough for you.

Because you, my girl, are the sun and the moon and the stars. You are the force that pulls the tides. You are the unrestrained howl under a wide-open moon. You are the essence of what it is to dance into ecstasy. You are the heat and the sex and the sweat and the burn and soft and the grace and the grit and the ocean of tears.

You are all of everything.

You are the mother of us all and the daughter of the Universe.

You walk through shadows and light.

You burn down and rise up and hold captive the pulse of the world.

You make the gods tremble.

And that, my dear, is bound to make some people crazy uncomfortable. It will make them pull back and push away.Because the way you dance with your shadows and your steadfast commitment to your light will push them into spaces that are fascinating and compelling and utterly terrifying.

Your very being asks them to step into places they may not be near ready to visit, let alone stay.

Because like the depths of the ocean that calls you home, you will never be easy.

But darling, you were not brought here for easy. You are here for so much more.

Because you are a boundary-pusher.

You’re a truth-seeker.

You’re temptation and seduction and heat.

You’re a mirror and a sorcerer, and inside you swirls the power of the ancients.

So no, you are not easy. But in the space of that truth, please also know this. Do not get this confused with the notion that you do not deserve the deepest ease.

Don’t, for a minute, let them convince you that you will not know the grace of a lover who does not require that you constantly translate yourself or diminish yourself or quiet your storm or tone down your extravagant love.

Because that, my girl, is bullshit.

Because out there somewhere there is a love who will never dream of calling you too much. Who speaks, like you, in poetry and candle wax and stardust. Who runs outside on stormy nights to howl at the moon. Who collects bones and sings incantation and talks to the ancestors.

And that lover, when you find him or her, will see you and know you — just as you are and just as you should be.

And they will say Yes. Yes, you. I will go there with you. I have been waiting for this.And so while you are waiting, I want you to do this. For me, and for every last too much girl out there.

You take all that too much and you channel it. You gather every last ember of your too much broken heart and you light that flame. And in doing so you will call forth the others and sing the song that brings us home.

And then you — in your infinite, perfect too-muchness — unleash it all on the world. And you go and love too much and you cry too much and you swear too much. Fall in love to fast and get sad too often and laugh too loudly and demand with clarity the exact terms of your own desired existence.

Don’t you dare consider doing anything but that.

Because we need you. Every one of us, man or woman, who has been called too much. You are our reminder, in the most desperate of moment, that we are exactly as we should be.

Every last too-much bit.

-- Jeanette LeBlanc

Other people's wisdom

"A woman is always going to be more energetically powerful than you. She's always going to be more emotionally powerful than you. And, she's more sexually powerful than you. Period. Forever.

She'll be a tornado sometimes.

She'll be a hurricane sometimes.

A flood. A fire. She's Nature herself.

You can run from that (and become lost).

You can try to control her (unsuccessfully).

You can be rigid about it (and be broken).

Or you can stand in your absolute masculine presence and do your best to serve her heart. There will be some times that you will distinctly see how you are serving her and the rest of the time... she will be trusting you--she will be growing in the trust of your depth.

You have a gift to give your woman--and she wants to recieve it. Feel the truth of that.Stay in the depth of your gift and your truth even while she is in the truth of her feminine nature. She will burn, flow, rain, shine, storm - and through all of it, she just wants to experience your presence.

The gift you receive is the opportunity to face death--death of Ego and a window to LIFE and PLEASURE and TRUTH... But ONLY--if you remain present." 

~ David Deida ~

Dancing around the feelings of others in open relating

I'm going to say something that I don't feel is being addressed. It seems we are dancing around feelings and trying to put out fires. This practice is about taking responsibility not managing someone else's vigilance of where they may or may not get triggered. We delve deep and it can definitely be done with tact, but it isn't anyone else's responsibility to take care of you. You can ask for what you want and you may or may not get it. Your response is up to you.

I remember before I started to OM watching jerry springer type women blame other women when their man violated their relationship agreements. I was always appalled by this, wondering how they could hold someone outside of their relationship accountable for what was inside of it. 

If a man cares about you and honors you, he will take responsibility for maintaining the connection with you through the makeouts and sticky spots. If you have asked for what you want, then it is a place where he can be adjusted. It is important for women to make sure their boundaries of asking for what they want are clear as possible. This is a very tough spot for women and it is always changing and is a spot that will continue to get worked with such a charged topic. if you are signing up for being in an open relationship, then you are agreeing to be taken out of control. 

Lastly, if your boundaries and what you are asking for is clear and he still doesn't honor that, then maybe it is time for you to get a man who cares enough for you to honor your connection first. But imo, it is not on the woman to make sure she maintains your relationship. We can have our own relationship with our integrity around this, but stop expecting others to tiptoe around your feelings and take responsibility.

I'd like to think we are much more evolved than what we'd see on jerry springer or in the world at large. We operate on connection and lifting each other up as the goddesses we are. Women truly are the most powerful when we connect and honor each other; it is society's way of conducting that tells us to tear each other down. We are rising above this and breaking  down our conditioning.

Orgasmic Meditation is not a practice for everyone; only adults ready for change need apply

sharing That you practice Orgasmic Meditation  with the people you care about that don't om is by far one of the hardest aspects of Om for me. I have a need to be understood and  other people's opinions of OM confronts that tremendously! I want to share it with the world, especially those I care about because OM and the community have profoundly changed my life. When I am met with  any number of reactions that I don't consider positive about something that I hold so dear, it hurts! That's the only way to describe it, it hurts. I know that they are obviously not understanding at all. "Om is transformation and freedom and positive growth in every way! How can they not see that?!"I say to myself, but I know that no one can really see or know the true effects of OM until they have the courage to try for themselves and even then we learn more benefits with every OM. 

My journey with this is that I deeply desire people to get free and have access to this beautiful practice as a tool of they so desire, which means talking about it and being open, which in turn means me being open and risking their disapproval and judgment. This can be excruciating and terrifying. However, I have found that everything in this practice is happening for us; for us to learn and grow and feel to the fullest even if it doesn't necessarily feel "good". 

With every person i reach out to about om, I remind myself that this practice isn't necessarily for everyone. These are wise words from Eleanor  that she told me once. These words were met with my own horrification and complete inability to accept them at the time (which,come to think of it, is how I initially receive most of her wise words. She often gives me some tough pills to swallow about myself and the world around me that I've created, but that's an aside for another time). She was right though, as she usually is. I use this to allow me to open the door for people by giving them discerned information that they can digest and letting them determine for themselves if it is right for them, trusting and knowing that only they can truly make this decision. I know that the people who are on a true path to freedom won't be able to step away from OM. They will be drawn to it like moths to flames, flames that burn with the desire for more; more orgasm, more life, more connection, more awareness, so much more.

Whatever

I had a friend that I introduced to the practice early on in my practice. I was so eager and enthusiastic to share. I had no idea the impact or any of the energetic components or reasons that someone should get trained properly like I do now. I thought it was harmless. I am now quite horrified at my own lack of understanding about this at the time. I am grateful for the gentle loving way Sasha adjusted me and educated me. Two years later I hAve learned so much more about what it takes energetically to hold and support new omers. It amazes me every time we have a new class the wave of limbic connection I feel in my body as the whole community has a role in supporting each member even if they individually aren't aware of it. The people who say yes to holding the class are saying yes to so much more than just putting a class together! They are saying yes to opening their systems to holding and feeling right along with every person in the class. They feel every subtle nuance of anxiety, fear, self-doubt, insecurity, body image issues, sadness, grief etc; the list goes on and on concerning what comes up for people regarding sex, connection, attraction. Each person on the team has worked through a lot of their own issues with these same feelings and in these areas. They have done their work and grown and learned how to expand their ability to be present in intense high sensation. There is no substitute for people who have what we call "time on the 

Mat" or who've done their practice.

The saddest part about my experience of improperly introducing my friend to this practice is that I did her a disservice. She to this day doesn't OM and I can't help but wonder if I had not stepped in and tried to save her from her own shyness or make it easier for her because I felt she would surely understand if she tried it, then maybe she would have had the opportunity to be held and supported energetically by people who were trained to do just that; not only from the coaching program but also from their experience in their practices. I can't help but wonder if I hindered her own access to her own freedom with my uninformed, ignorant, good intentions. Beating myself up does no good, so I opt to trust in faith that every ones practice looks differently and this bump was just another perfect part of both mine and hopefully, eventually, her practice.  I learned my lesson

I slept until 2pm

Hi, I am in an interesting place that I am trying not to make myself wrong for for the first time in my life and that feels good. 

For doing exactly what I want

Rather than what I "should" do

Letting me do the "shoulds " when I get to them or even when I have desire to do them 

It is a place where I have always made myself wrong for not being like everyone else

Thank you! I needed to hear that! It helped me to see where, despite allowing myself to be in this spot fully, there's still a part of me that feels less powerful and inspiring because of the judgements of others and myself. I can feel where I am even ashamed to tell you what it is because I am afraid of getting judgements and not being able to hold my pole through them, yet it is actuasly pretty benign.

I am going to tell you!

I slept in today! 

Until two pm!

I know, I know, so wrong

But when I looked at this and just fully let myself have it without judgements all over the place, I felt an amazing shift!

All those voices about what a waste that is

Honestly, I am still in bed! Please don't tell anyone

This all seems so silly, but it also feels important to share with you because it feels like a lot of shame

Like I'm shaming myself, making it wrong, making it mean I'm depressed, I'm lazy, I'm whatever! 

I wake up nearly every morning feeling this desperate overwhelm like I need to jump right from bed and start into something that will be hugely impactful or I don't want to do. It is almost paralyzingly. I often don't know what to do with these feelings 

It often has me sleep through it, but it doesn't go away. I reach for people and other things to distract me, but not today

Today I let myself move at the pace of my desire 

And it felt safer and different

I know I am a person who  sometimes needs smooth transitions and to let my little one have all the time and space that she needed after being forced for many years to get up and get going, you're going to be late; felt like a huge folding the paper back moment for me.

That half a sleep zone must have made a huge impact on me over the years because the panic I feel in that space feels equivalent to the world ending! I had to keep coming back to that space and reminding myself that it was all ok. It was not the end of the world and that I had a choice and that whatever I choose would be just fine. I really have my little girl the freedom there and in doing so, it feels like I don't have to fight against her fears there, as much any way. It feels like she pulled everyday to feel safe in this area and all I've ever done was rip the blankets off the bed from her like everyone else and say "get up!" There's something very powerful about letting a person who's fearful in an area go at whatever pace they need to and fully have the reins,  even and especially if their decisions are considered unreasonable

Thank you for listening!!❤️🙏🏼

Short 'n sweet-be a yes

Be a yes to the things that are a yes to me. That's not how I've been doing it. I've been spending my life being fucked by the things that are no to me more than acknowledging the things that are a yes to me.

Humble origins

This is what lead up to my oming. I had experienced a break up two years earlier that had rocked me to my core. We weren't married, but in my mind I thought we would be together forever. He left me suddenly. I didn't see it coming and was completely devastated and blindsided. For the first year, I basically wanted to die like everyday. It made it really easy to determine small desires that would  make life easier like "right now I want to be off by myself and put my bare feet in the grass." I was so down that it felt like I had no choice but to follow these very clear glimpses of desire. 

The second year I came out more and was ready to start dating. Much to my surprise, it felt like men would run away from me. I kept lowering my standards and they'd still run away. And I mean it when I say, it literally felt like they were fleeing. I had never experienced this before and I was at a loss as to what was happening. I now think that I was very hungry and had so much conditioning that a person I was intimate with had to adore me and be devoted that i didn't give anyone the chance to even get to know me before I would put all my energetic hooks into them. 

I was sad and lonely and bored and horny. I knew I didn't want to be celibate. My walls and vigilance were way too high to enjoy any type of casual sex. I wasn't enjoying the bar scene. I wanted a deep connected relationship but found that I couldn't seem to snap my fingers together to create it and it seemed no where in sight. 

I was bitching about the hopelessness of my situation to a trusted holistic doctor and spiritual mentor and she suggested I look into orgasmic meditation. It took another six months before I went to a TO. After the TO I was in. I felt immediately like I had found my people; the people who didn't like to linger in the shallow end but yearned for deeper more authentic connections. 

I was a very poor single mom, however, and I couldn't let myself have the class. They uncharacteristically gave it to me for free. It was taught by Nicole herself and I originally didn't know who she was or what all the hype about her was about. I just wanted to om. I went to the prepared to be thoroughly unimpressed, but she truly blew me away! I thought she was brilliant! I still do. 

Venting graphic

I have to admit that I sometimes get more annoyed with new men because it feels like we as a community have to start from scratch all the time with ppl learning the lingo & watching them go through all the steps as the layers come off again & again. Training strokers that they can have it & that it is actually a gift for a woman to know & ask for what she wants; much better than guessing & getting it wrong. The step of where they get angry with you for pointing out the truth, then the step where they take responsibility there, then the step where they are grateful because they understand that your initial truth was actually a loving kindness; if they ever make it to this step. There's that too, ppl leaving before they realize all the freedom they can find here.the annoyance I feel at men who think that they want sex in place of actual connection & where they get hung up on their societally conditioned preferences like robots programmed to go after bones & haven't discovered steak yet.

The instant gratification they seek, when there is no replacement for really doing their work & the work is only taking a close look at your inner self. 

I tend to have more compassion for the women, but I do understand the phoniness & the "good girl" who's just "fine" w/that doe-eyed look, but you can feel her dying inside bc we've been oming for awhile & we can feel all of what they think they are hiding from the world oh so clearly. It's like a painful new batch every time, that is even more painful if they walk away blaming the practice or community for being too "weird" or too "confrontational" or too "insert whatever here". 

I'm venting a little.

 I briefly encounter these feelings, but I am inspired anew every time I experience someone "getting" it; getting free. It is beautiful to be a part of that! It reminds me of how far I've come and how grateful I am to have found such an amazing practice! And that makes all the little annoyances well worth it. 

That is really how I feel! It is an honor to be a part of the people who are bravely facing their inner shit in whatever way it works for them. And it is an absolute honor to help others find there way too. Like Nicole Daedone has said so many times in the parable of sorts with the person who jumps in the hole with you. 

There's a person who falls into a hole and is stuck. His priest comes by & blesses him (or her) but he's still in the hole. The psychiatrist comes by & analyzes the situation & prescribes some Xanax or something, but he's still in the hole and so on until his friend comes along & jumps in the hole with him. He says "why would you do that?! Now we are both stuck in here!" The friend says "yay we are, but I've been here before and I know the way out!"

My pussy is telling me to suck my boyfriends cock and then fuck him because lately I am angry and annoyed as shit except for when he's sleeping and then my Pussy wants to fuck him! 

I know that this is due to me losing weight and consciously looking at all this anger that must have been stored in every single fucking fat cell and has nothing to do with him, he's just my unfortunate scapegoat. As I work through this & my emotions come to the surface, I am faced w/ some of the hardest & deepest wounds of hurt & anger I have ever experienced. I have to force myself to stay conscious there all the time. I have to continuously remind myself that I don't actually hate everyone & everything, especially not  Mario & especially not myself. My addictions try to pull for my attention & fight relentlessly to keep me from feeling the anger, hatred, pain that I have to reach to find approval for myself. I self sabotage & create situations for ppl to hate me & pull away. This has been excruciating & some of my deepest work on myself to date. 

I also fight to remember to remember, a coaching program term that has multiple layers of meaning, but in this case is me remembering to remember that I am powerful. That I stand for my growth. That I am creating. That I am bravely facing deep parts of my shadows that are crying out to be loved. 

It is easy for me to escape and live in my old stories, to forget how far I've come, to deny hat I offer anything of value, to shrink away and die quietly playing the martyr. But I know that I am worth not abandoning myself there anymore! I don't have to take that on and buy into that crap! Yet I can still honor the little one within that did take that on and help her to remember to remember as well. Just as we all help each other to remember the goddesses we so easily see in each other's faces yet often to find so difficult to ascribe to ourselves. 

Hypervolatile, dissipated, fixed becomes attention, simplicity, desire

I have found the tumescent types to be quite helpful in relating to people in and out of om. They are how a person typically handles sensation that is more than they can stay present with. I have never known one type to be seen as better or worse than another. 

I heard that they are modeled after the three Buddhist types of suffering, but I don't know enough about that to speak on it.

The three tenets of om are Attention, desire, and Simplicity. We use these three things to bring each of the tumescent types back into their range. 

Hypervolatile has a broad range of emotions and is a roller coaster. The up side is that they are charismatic and magnetic and ignition and fun.

The down side could be that as easily as you'll feel their up, you can also feel their burn.

To bring a hypervolatile back into their range, putting quality attention helps to sooth their tumultuous ride. 

Dissipated is soothed by making things simple, because they are typically overwhelmed when they are beyond their capacity to hold sensation. The positive to dissipated is that they see so much and can give amazing attention when they are on. As Adam stated, they see the big picture too. The down side is that they often check out and one can feel quite dropped, especially since their attention does feel so good when they put it on you.

The third is fixed and they are brought back into their range by bringing focus back to their desires. They can often become fixated on the details that may not be a priority and controlling how something gets done and lose focus on what they actually want. If you can remind them of their greater desire and how we get there doesn't necessarily matter as much as that we do get there, this will aid in the journey. Their positive is that they can handle shit like nobody's business! They are on top of everything! They make sure it gets done and gets done well! The down side is that they can be controlling and judgemental when people don't do or see things the way that they would. 

My step father is in hospice

I called to tell my mother about my new job and she answered the phone in a way that sounded like her throat was tight and somewhat constricted.  I asked her if I had awoken her or something and she explained that my step father had been in hospice since last week. I listened to her rattle off the details, trying to process what she was saying. I have been thinking about my step father and our relationship dynamic quite a bit lately and even half jokingly told my roommate the other day that maybe it was coming up in my being because he was going to pass on soon.  to give some  context to this, my step father has been ill most of my life.  I remember believing that it would be a miracle for him to live to see me graduate high school, since he'd had triple bypass surgeries and several heart attacks and seemed to be just an overall kinda miserable person. I am now 37 and, needless to say, he is still around.  I had spoken to my mother often and knew that he had started to have dementia over this last year that has rapidly progressed, so that was the context for my comment. I also have a rather constrained relationship with this man! He has been a part of my life since I was 18 months old and is a second father to me, but we often didn't see eye-to-eye, is I guess the proper way to say it.  I was relating to my roommate a memory that had resurfaced through a Landmark seminar exercise. We had to recall the latest altercation in our lives and say waht happened, when it happened, how I "should" have handled things, how the other person "should" have handled things, etc. then we went on to another memory that brought up the same energy with a different person and do the same thing. Finally, we were directed to go to the earliest memory with that same energy and see what determinations we made there and notice how they were still impacting our relationships today.  My original incident was with my 17 year-old son involving what seems to me to be bullying me.  He is an amazing being and sometimes when I am distraught over regular life things, he can't seem to handle the energy of that, but often neither of us are aware enough to know it in the moment and he does something that feels to me like he's kicking me while I'm down and pushing me around. It is the most frustrating thing about our relationship, fortunately it doesn' happen often, especially anymore.  The next memory that came up was with my biological father. I was around age 6.  We were in the car and we were upset with each other. He had calmed down and tried to make up with me and console me by putting his hand on my knee.  I was still angry and pushed his hand off in a huff.  To which he responded immediately by swatting my leg very hard. I made lots of determinations in that moment, especially about men. I was unloved, my needs didn't matter, my feelings didn't matter, it was hopeless to connect because I'd only get hurt and not be understood, etc. I continued as instructed and went on to the next memory.  The next one that came up had to do with my step father. I don't know if it was earlier or about the same time or what. But it came up nonetheless. I had a memory of being swatted with a fly swatter as punishment. They have the metal handle and the plastic swatter. It doesn't seem too menacing, but I remember that the metal cross left an imprint on my leg. I don't remember the decisions or determinations I made in this moment, but as I recanted this story, I remembered something else.  I started talking about how my step father had told me that you could hit a person with a pillow case or something of the sort, full of oranges and it didn't leave a mark. The person I was actually telling this to was my boyfriend's father, who is also involved in Landmark. It occurred to both me and him that it was peculiar for my step father to tell me this as a child. We were investigating what his motives would be and since I had never thought much of it until that moment, I explored my memory further.  He wasn't telling me it as a threat and he certainly had never done that to me. It seemed to me that he was merely sharing information. This moved me into other memories of how I would talk to him while he was watching boxing and ask him all sorts of questions about it.  I had no interest in boxing! I found it rather appalling, but I wanted to connect with him in a way that felt good and apparently at a very young age I took the responsibility on for doing this.

         I felt very saddened that I would have to go to such lengths at such an early age to connect with someone who was in a parent role for me. I was also proud of myself that I was brilliant enough to find a way to connect with a man who was for the most part,difficult to connect with. I also felt good about myself that I had that as a desire.  It shows up very strongly in my life still as I hold connecting with people in a genuine way to the utmost importance.

         These new revelations led me to the conclusion that other shifts may be occurring as his soul prepares to transition, and healing could be taking place for all of the beings he's connected to, myself included.  I decided to use my Pranic Healing resources that I have been studying for a number of years.  It is energy work and there is a technique that helps those who are dying to transition peacefully.  I started working on him. I could feel the ease of connection to his soul as he moves in between the dimensions of living.  To me they are just other planes of existence and I feel that I am more attuned to feeling these realms than most people. As I worked on him I had the most beautiful experience that allowed me to connect with his being without all of the noise that constrained our relationship.  I was able to feel and express the love I had for him and honor our soul's connection, as well as his impact on my life.
         I did not think that we had such a powerful connection. I am grateful to have felt it so strongly in such a way.  My step father has always been very averse to any type of religion or emotional expression or spirituality, which if you know me, seems rather ironic, because I have a very spiritual path. I remember bringing him to church one time and he hugged me and made a joke that he was surprised the place didn't burn down, but I could feel his tenderness and his heart opening. Connecting with his soul as I did energy work felt reminiscent of this rare moment that he let his walls down and let me in.  It reminds of how beautiful each of us are at the soul level.   I am in awe of the transformation that is available to us through losing a loved one on this physical plane of existence.

New Job

I start a new job tomorrow! It is with ATT as a premises technician and it pays more than I've ever made.ATT's motto is "Rethink Possible". I love that! It will make a big difference to my life from the way I've struggled in my finances. I am so grateful for the change! I called my mom and dad to let them know that it was in the mix. It has involved a series of hoops so far and I got hired but have a pass/fail test of climbing an 18 ft pole. So there are still some factors. There was a weekly range of pay that they said we could get after going through our background check and when they called me I was over $100 more per week than what was the maximum! I asked how that happened and they apparently just redid the regulations for hiring new people. Before they passed this I would've had to work for a full year (2 pay increases) to earn what I will be starting out at! That feels like incredible news!
ATT invests $80,000 over a period of 3 months of training for this position. I consider it an amazing opportunity to be trained and paid at the same time. i also feel that the actual job will be enjoyable to me. I like the variety and problem solving. I get to wear a lot of hats and including interacting with people in their own homes. I think being in someone's home is incredibly intimate, meaning that you get to know a whole lot about a person just by being in their environment and I think I will enjoy that and have the right personality for it. These are my thoughts and hopes.

ATT also has a lot of room for advancement, according to what they told me at the realistic job presentation.
The presentation was meant to give us a view into what to expect. I knew going into it that it would be similar the first day of my college classes when they would hand out the syllabus and terrify us that this one class was somehow going to be so challenging that it would take me out of the game and be the one to do me in. Then it would wind up being just like every other class I'd ever been in, no harder than the rest. But I sat in this group of 40 or so men, being the only woman, feeling very out of place and listened to them talk about pole tests and other terrifying factors. I got scared. I thought, "I’m too heavy, too feminine, too much, too sensitive, etc, to do this work!"

Finally, I wrestled with myself. I thought "Keri, do not let your fears take you out of the game and determine what you can and cannot do! Let life determine it and don't back down until you hit up against something that is actually a challenge or puts you in red. But right now you are sitting in a room full of men and there is certainly nothing about that that you can't do!"

So I stayed and have continued on to the next step and then the next step, and we will see from there

When I first started oming I noticed that I had no idea what I wanted to ask for in making requests. When I did have an idea it looked like I wanted to request to be stroked harder and faster! I remember that I had no approval for asking for that so I didn't. I thought I would be judged as some sort of porn star or something for asking for a harder and faster stroke! I could hear other women in nests at circle asking for less pressure and lighter strokes and I had so much judgement around myself that something was wrong with me that I could barely feel anything!

I now know that I had layers and years of conditioning and numbing my sensitivity level that had me need more pressure and stimulation in order to feel. Om has since stripped these layers and I am super sensitive now, but originally I was too sensitive to handle the harshness of what I was experiencing around me throughout my life, so I desensitized myself in various ways. This is very common in our society. Now I have better Tools to manage my sensitivity and can recognize the effects of what is happening around me better. I have learned not to numb out but to feel into my body and trust what it tells me more. And sometimes it is still overwhelming and I take on things that aren't mine or can't tell the difference of what is and isn't mine.
One of the greatest things about oming for me is that what happens in my Oms directly reflects and correlates what I am experiencing in my life in some way. So the sensitivity of my clit and how numbed out I was wasn't just about my sex, it showed up everywhere in my life.

Max's loss

My relationship research with Elle  ended three days ago, and I'm definitely still grieving.

After 2 months of intense love and struggle, It ended climactically. On our last night she had planned to leave and not stay with me assuming that I was planning to fuck Laura at midnight. So I had to practically beg her to stay the last night with me. And then I got angry when she hid in my car for a half an hour, and we spent the rest of the night in and out of fighting. The tendency to disconnect was so huge, like we just couldn't stand staying connected through to the end.

The next morning we woke up to full climax. Our first words were about the fact that I had a morning practice OM slot available and I gave it to Laura instead of her. She became furious and stormed out of the room, and quickly left after the first OM. She then sent me a slew of hateful texts. I was so angry, and wrote her a really hateful text back, that I chose not to send. Instead, I used some of the skill I'd learned and wrote her a vulnerable text, taking responsibility and offering support. She didn't reply and I wrote later that night asking if she still wanted space and she said she did. It wasn't until the following evening that some space opened and we've started to talk. Slowly.

Once I got through the anger, I felt really sad. Like, depression-level sad. I collapsed into a slump in yoga, and could barely move the rest of the day. Then yesterday I felt my love start to pour out. On everyone. I felt more connected and available to all my friends, both male and female, and just really started noticing how much I'd shut myself off from other people while I was singly focused on Elle.

I've started to feel better and better, but the grief is still there. Thick. Heavy. Muddy. I'm glad that the relationship over, and there's still grief. The loss of her love for my inner child. The loss of the stability of her attention. The loss of a constant trigger that was sure to make me feel.

I don't know what's next. I only know that right now I need to feel. And stay open to her and everyone. And welcome the next opportunity to be so out of control. So challenged and stretched. And continue finding new depths of love and attention.

• BrianaI've watched this unfold over the course of your "research" and refrained from commenting many times because I didn't want to come off as hateful. It was very obvious that this "research" (I put it in quotes because you were in a relationship, a real, live relationship) was terribly lopsided. Attention is NOT automatically love. Attention is something children need in constant supply, love involves aspects of the psyche beyond the Id. Are you at all shocked that a woman who you had a brief, albeit real relationship with was upset that you've immediately set about stroking off another woman pretty much at the stroke of midnight? Grow the fuck up. If you need a attention, get a dog. If you feel the need to continue your nauseating "research," please stick to lab animals, there are fucking humans involved here.

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  Madeleine Aurora  Forcing a relationship beyond its staying power and calling it research didn't work out. I'm not surprised. Honestly, I'm not sure how this could have ended in anything else but resentment.

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• Just to be clear. The experiment always had a time limit. Originally 30 days, & then extended to 60 days. We mutually agreed to challenge each other, try our best to stay connected, & learn what we could about how we are in relationship. We both learned a ton & felt a lot, including a lot of pain. But through it all we would both absolutely say it was worth it, and we will be bonded forever.

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  Brie  To each their own but do to the publicity of this "research" I'm throwing my two cents in ... You cannot simply discard someone that you "love" for someone else regardless of the time expiring ... If you love her or loved her it shouldn't have been so easy to discard her for some other vagina... I don't believe you loved her I believe she was good for your ego or she was fun but love is a much deeper feeling that cannot simply be turned on and off if you loved her it would have killed you to discard her, if you loved her you wouldn't have been angry with anyone but yourself for causing her pain. Love is a very powerful word and emotion and I hope one day you understand what it is to truly love

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  Louisa ^^^you have some intense friends

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  Don't I!? Wouldn't have it any other way.

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   Brie Louisa you should see me when I get worked up lol just trying to be helpful to research with an outsiders perception of it all... but honestly love is not research nor is it an experiment it is an intense emotion that is not capable of being turned off for a deadline at least not real love... Max is very good at assuming a roll or playing a character has been since highschool at least, I think you all should try this again without deadlines and see what you can learn and what you can feel ... Just a suggestion ... Good luck though whatever y'all decide to do

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  Elle:  Hi  Brie and others, I appreciate your comments very much and I agree! There is no shutting it off or on. It's always been there on my end. This was an interesting experiment. As you've read, it has taught us both a lot. It is still teaching us now. Max and I had a relationship of sorts before all of this and we will have one, in some fashion, now that the official container has ended. We are in a very close knit community of love and support. I can't say how much was playing a role on his end and how much was "real". In most ways, that was the point of my end, to try to learn to access the well of love within me regardless of how he felt. In a lot of ways I feel i forgot that most important part and was consumed with not understNding what was going on for him and feeling rejected because I didn't feel loved. 
  I feel a mixture of both defensive and relieved. Defensive about the research in general, because I do know its value and relieved because others are naming a lot of what I struggled with in this research with him, seeing someone who continually pushed my love and me away and had to struggle himself so hard to stay surrendered and connected in ways that previously in relationships felt much more natural to me. It felt natural to me to love him. I do love him, but the receiving it on his end is apparently much more complicated. 
  It feels like the little boy who pushes you into the mud on the playground and runs away from me and I am supposed to then see it as him really liking me.
  There is a lot of my stuff that showed up in the form of not being able to see the love that he did show me in the ways it did show up that also created this dynamic. Because of this and a lot of other things, this was a painful experience, but I did learn a lot about myself through this process and the pain of it makes it difficult to continue in the same way. 
  I have had my own form of feeling grief and am mostly feeling the liberation from the compression to stay in something that was so painful and difficult. Continuing the way it was would not work. I don't know whether he needed to surrender more or I needed to love more unconditionally or if he just doesn't feel that love for me and can't receive mine or if it was perfectly perfect the way that it was and now it will take on a new form. I accept the latter as truth for now and allow it to be. Thank you for speaking your truth about what you see.

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  Brie:  You are very brave or crazy (probably both) to put yourself through this, as you had to expect the end to be really hard... I enjoyed reading about it though and wish you both the best luck ... Also I must add Elle you have an unreal amount of self control most girls I know would not have been as tolerant of another woman so soon... I'm pretty sure a younger me would have hit what I viewed as my replacement... not that it would have solved any of the feelings I had , though it might have taught the roommate? Not to steal my toy as soon as I wasn't touching it... Forgive the new mommy metaphor... You see love is irrational, unfair, overwhelming, and produces the same brain activity as a traumatic brain injury... Really I don't know that I recognised what love was until I had a child it made it sooo clear...(not really a good way to discover love) but ya live and ya learn...

  
  
• Elle:
  

  Yes, I am both brave and crazy! As far as the other women are concerned, there's a lot that can be said. First off however, I have not been in a monogamous relationship for the last four years until this last 30 days of our research and for Max, I think he was more used to open relationships than I was. We had been lovers for over a year before we started the research but it had never been exclusive or had any type of label. That being said, I am somewhat used to sharing men with other women, well him, anyway. I also had other men that I was intimate with, so that went both ways. It is never easy though and so much could be said about that piece of the puzzle far before research was even involved! the place that was hardest for me about the other women has to do with his desire for them compared and contrasting to what felt like a lack of consideration and desire for me. 
  There was an interesting arc of evolution around the other women. I never really paid too much attention to Max's other interests or trysts before we started the research. I knew they were there and they were many, I just considered that to be the way it was for him and it kept me from ever really seeing our relationship as anything more than another tryst for both of us. This community tends to be sex positive. A large portion of the practice of orgasmic meditation is looking at the conditioning around a crossed wire for women when it comes to the suppression of our sexual desires, or desires in general, in our culture. Women are taught to suppress their sex and men are taught to suppress their emotions. This often creates a crossed wire dynamic in our ability to relate to each other. I have been practicing OM for two years now and I started to open my sex about halfway through. I made a very conscious and deliberate choice to look at and experiment with what I really wanted in the area of my sex and relating versus just accepting the conventional monogamy as the only option, as I had previously been conditioned to see and experience. Max was actually a big part of me opening here and it is ultimately how our relationship began. 
  When the research started, this portion changed entirely from something that I rarely have much notice to being jealous and having it be almost all that I could see. The first part of our research wasn't monogamous and the jealousies went both ways! The second part was and the jealousies almost felt worse for me because what I was jealous of was his desire where he seemed to lack that for me. I know that in the brief moments where I could feel his love and devotion to me, I didn't have these jealousies arise. But when he would develop, what seemed like infatuations and being sucked into the appeal of shallower connections, I was extremely hurt. He didn't act on them during the monogamy, but he was and always has been rather unfiltered about his desires there. The most recent trigger being his public post about his increasing desire for his roommate and my friend, Laura. This has been hard and I am apprehensive to talk about it much because it left Laura and I severely disconnected and Laura and I actually have a very close relationship as we all do when we are in this community to the degree that we are. I finally just last night was able to turn the corner and feel all of my love for her again and it felt amazing. I am so grateful to be connected to her again and able to feel the love I have for her. So I don't really want to dig up the wound. When we started this research Max told me he was in love with another girl who I didn't know very well. This piece is a big one for me, because in my opinion he falls in and out of love or becomes infatuated with and then loses interested rather quickly and it translates to me as not valuing the deeper connections like the one that we have together. So essentially, it felt like he would run away from our intimacy and run toward what was easier in his desires for them. The same could possibly be said for me, however. But yes, the other women is a huge factor and I imagine that it is in any relationship where the partners are honest and connected as we are. 
  I don't personally think that open relationships are better or less hard or have judgements one way or the other about open versus monogamy. I think each person has to do what feels right for them. I think relationships are challenging no matter how you decide to do them and at this time, I prefer the honesty around my and his desires that comes with open relating. if you have the agreement and determination to stay connected no matter what. I DO think it is a particular challenge with someone like Max, however, who is more interested and attracted to the next new thing than staying in the more intimate connections.

  
  
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  Brie: Just means you all need to try new things together

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  Elle: Well, the monogamy was definitely a new thing. Lol. What did you have in mind?

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  Brie Dude just cause its only one person doesn't mean ya can't try everything under the sun with them

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  Elle:I used to feel similarly to what you are saying. Now I still have leanings in both directions. I enjoy having a variety of connections myself and can see how love is not scarce and my love for one person isn't diminished by loving another, but sometimes this doesn't make the jealousies on the other side of it any less to know this. It is tricky and challenging and sometimes it seems hardly worth it. But I also struggle with monogamy at this stage in my life. I feel that for me the monogamy would be playing smaller, like I was only doing it to have the illusion of safety in being the only one. That comes with its own challenges right there. If I am the only one to fulfill the needs of my partner, I may feel more secure, but I know the desires are still there and I know that we have the potential to become dependent on each other. I also know that the interactions and intricate with other can bring more intimacy with each other through their influences and with those other people if it can be embraced. I am not suggesting that this type of relationship would work for everyone, but I currently am striving to open my connections in all areas, so this is where I am at in my relating. 
  I have had the experience of where it can feel good to be open in connecting with more than one person intimately, especially when the primary connections are considered first. I don't find Max to be particularly good at doing this, but I have seen it modeled well in other open relationships and I do believe it is possible with exquisite practice, attention, connection, honesty, compassion, and consideration. I have felt that when I feel secure in the love, connection, desire, and attraction in my relationship, I am much calmer and able to stay connected and loving even with the other women being involved. I think it is a challenge and requires a delicate balance. It can definitely be messy, but in this practice we strive to authentically feel the whole range of emotions available to us fully and embrace our experience, not just the things that feel good. 
  I also think that monogamy has its own set of challenges. They just look and feel differently. One is not better than the other. They just are different and afford different opportunities. For me I prefer the experience of connection to many, not just my own lovers, but also the connection that I have to the other women through my lovers because there is a lot available there as well if I am open to it. 
  I try to see it all as love. My good friend, says that jealousy is turnon plus exclusion. If I can find a way to be connected to the experience, then my partner's turnon becomes mine as well. We are connected so deeply to each other and in our bodies that we can literally feel the excitement in our own body and it doesn't have to minimize my connection with my partner if I can embrace it, which honestly, is a practice and isn't always the case, but I do believe it is possible and where it is not is where my own insecurities are at play.
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• • Krista I followed this research like I try to view everything in life - with a completely open heart and mind and without judgment. As someone on the outside, reading the posts, I can honestly say that I have learned a lot about relationships in general and have forced myself to look more deeply into my own relationships. I won't say that I will never be monogamous in the future, but at this time it is definitely not something I desire. I enjoy being with open men and women and that is where I feel the most freedom and security. I also understand that my choice in lifestyle is not the right choice for everyone. The most brilliant part of this research for me to read about is the end. It's the beginning of a new chapter for both of you and I doubt either of you will go into another relationship the same as you were before the research and that is something to be grateful for! Growth is always worth it. 

    Unlike · Reply · 3 · Yesterday at 11:14am
  • Max: Thank you Krista! It's been amazing having the love and attention of people in our extended community like you! I think it gave us strength and energy more than we even knew!

    
    
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    Abby: Such is Dismissive Attachment Style...
  • Like · Reply · 1 · 17 hrs
  • Elle:Can you say more about this please?
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    Abby:  Someone with Dismissive Attachment Style can lead to even a person who is secure becoming more anxious in relationship.
    http://girlwiththorns.hubpages.com/.../dismissive...
    

    
    

    
    

    

    
    

    Dealing with a partner who has a dismissive avoidant attachment style

    A small proportion of the population has what is...

    GIRLWITHTHORNS.HUBPAGES.COM

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    Abby:Posting about someone else is a classic distancing move. Too much closeness is hard to tolerate...but it's not deliberate either on their part.

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    Abby:  http://jebkinnison.com/bad.../type-dismissive-avoidant/
    

    
    

    
    

    

    
    

    Type: Dismissive-Avoidant

    [Note: if you arrived here looking for insight into a dismissive spouse or lover, I've just published a...

    JEBKINNISON.COM

    Like · 17 hrs
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    Max: That is interesting. I see that I did become avoidant & Elle anxious during that relationship. 
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    Abby:   It's worth exploring...once seen, staying open and communicating can be really helpful. 'Earned secure attachment' is a thing, it seems.
    My partner cried when I said 'you are not doing this deliberately'...

    Like · 17 hrs
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    Elle: I don't feel I am typically that anxious of a person, but rather felt that I became much more anxious in relationship with Max. I did not get a chance to read the articles you posted yet, but I am very interested in learning more about this. Thank you for bringing it up Abby

    Like · 17 hrs · Edited
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    Abi  I have become less and less secure with my current partner...still seeing if this dynamic can change or if I leave at this point. Thanks for sharing your journey, it has been timely for me...

    Unlike · 1 · 17 hrs
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    Jasmin Attachment styles have such an intense impact on all "genres of relationships" (i.e. Friendships, romance, family, RTC.) Be warned Keri, learning about attachment is addictive! In my work, awareness of your own attachment style is key, and it is an enveloping rabbit hole! 😀

    Like · 1 · 14 hrs
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    Abi  I find it can also be very helpful for learning to see that what's going on between people can be 'not personal', even when it can very much feel that way. Helps us to be forgiving and understanding of ourselves and others.

    Like · 13 hrs
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    Keri Denheeten
    
  • This article said this that felt pertinent and spot on "Dismissive avoidants can be charming. They can play the role well for a time. But lacking a positive view of attached others, they expect relationships to fulfill a romantic ideal which no real human being can create for them, so all fall short and are discarded when it becomes inconvenient to continue. Typically as the relationship ages, avoidants will begin to find fault and focus on petty shortcomings of their partner. The dismissive-avoidant is afraid of and incapable of tolerating true intimacy.
    
    The dismissive-avoidant is afraid of and incapable of tolerating true intimacy. Since he was brought up not to depend on anyone or reveal feelings that might not be acceptable to caregivers, his first instinct when someone gets really close to him is to run away. Superficially he thinks very highly of himself, and is likely to pin any blame for relationship troubles on his partners; but underneath (especially in the extreme form we label narcissism), there is such low self esteem that at his core he does not feel his true self is worthy of love and attention. Should a partner penetrate his armor, unconscious alarm bells go off and he retreats to either aloneness or the safety of companionship with others who do not realize he is not what he appears to be on the surface. dismissives let you know that you are low on their priority list. when you are with one, you are really still alone"
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    Diana As someone who has tried both open and monogamous relationships....nothing quite stands up to the intimacy between 2 individuals who find solace, satisfaction and trust in each other. If your lover chooses you above all others ..that's true intimacy and security. ..the very nature of life is impermanent. .relationships change. ..relationships end. .some individuals are only our lovers for a finite period. True love and security is looking into your lovers eyes knowing he desires you above all others..ignoring base desires and feeling with your heart rather than your genitals

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    Keri Denheeten That's gorgeous Diane, thank you!

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    Diana But hey...being open and fluid to discussing the many different forms of relationships without judgement is imperative

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    Alyah  Thanks for the really real, raw, and conscious post! heart emoticon heart emoticon

    Like · Reply · 12 hrs