Short 'n sweet-be a yes

Be a yes to the things that are a yes to me. That's not how I've been doing it. I've been spending my life being fucked by the things that are no to me more than acknowledging the things that are a yes to me.

Humble origins

This is what lead up to my oming. I had experienced a break up two years earlier that had rocked me to my core. We weren't married, but in my mind I thought we would be together forever. He left me suddenly. I didn't see it coming and was completely devastated and blindsided. For the first year, I basically wanted to die like everyday. It made it really easy to determine small desires that would  make life easier like "right now I want to be off by myself and put my bare feet in the grass." I was so down that it felt like I had no choice but to follow these very clear glimpses of desire. 

The second year I came out more and was ready to start dating. Much to my surprise, it felt like men would run away from me. I kept lowering my standards and they'd still run away. And I mean it when I say, it literally felt like they were fleeing. I had never experienced this before and I was at a loss as to what was happening. I now think that I was very hungry and had so much conditioning that a person I was intimate with had to adore me and be devoted that i didn't give anyone the chance to even get to know me before I would put all my energetic hooks into them. 

I was sad and lonely and bored and horny. I knew I didn't want to be celibate. My walls and vigilance were way too high to enjoy any type of casual sex. I wasn't enjoying the bar scene. I wanted a deep connected relationship but found that I couldn't seem to snap my fingers together to create it and it seemed no where in sight. 

I was bitching about the hopelessness of my situation to a trusted holistic doctor and spiritual mentor and she suggested I look into orgasmic meditation. It took another six months before I went to a TO. After the TO I was in. I felt immediately like I had found my people; the people who didn't like to linger in the shallow end but yearned for deeper more authentic connections. 

I was a very poor single mom, however, and I couldn't let myself have the class. They uncharacteristically gave it to me for free. It was taught by Nicole herself and I originally didn't know who she was or what all the hype about her was about. I just wanted to om. I went to the prepared to be thoroughly unimpressed, but she truly blew me away! I thought she was brilliant! I still do. 

Venting graphic

I have to admit that I sometimes get more annoyed with new men because it feels like we as a community have to start from scratch all the time with ppl learning the lingo & watching them go through all the steps as the layers come off again & again. Training strokers that they can have it & that it is actually a gift for a woman to know & ask for what she wants; much better than guessing & getting it wrong. The step of where they get angry with you for pointing out the truth, then the step where they take responsibility there, then the step where they are grateful because they understand that your initial truth was actually a loving kindness; if they ever make it to this step. There's that too, ppl leaving before they realize all the freedom they can find here.the annoyance I feel at men who think that they want sex in place of actual connection & where they get hung up on their societally conditioned preferences like robots programmed to go after bones & haven't discovered steak yet.

The instant gratification they seek, when there is no replacement for really doing their work & the work is only taking a close look at your inner self. 

I tend to have more compassion for the women, but I do understand the phoniness & the "good girl" who's just "fine" w/that doe-eyed look, but you can feel her dying inside bc we've been oming for awhile & we can feel all of what they think they are hiding from the world oh so clearly. It's like a painful new batch every time, that is even more painful if they walk away blaming the practice or community for being too "weird" or too "confrontational" or too "insert whatever here". 

I'm venting a little.

 I briefly encounter these feelings, but I am inspired anew every time I experience someone "getting" it; getting free. It is beautiful to be a part of that! It reminds me of how far I've come and how grateful I am to have found such an amazing practice! And that makes all the little annoyances well worth it. 

That is really how I feel! It is an honor to be a part of the people who are bravely facing their inner shit in whatever way it works for them. And it is an absolute honor to help others find there way too. Like Nicole Daedone has said so many times in the parable of sorts with the person who jumps in the hole with you. 

There's a person who falls into a hole and is stuck. His priest comes by & blesses him (or her) but he's still in the hole. The psychiatrist comes by & analyzes the situation & prescribes some Xanax or something, but he's still in the hole and so on until his friend comes along & jumps in the hole with him. He says "why would you do that?! Now we are both stuck in here!" The friend says "yay we are, but I've been here before and I know the way out!"

My pussy is telling me to suck my boyfriends cock and then fuck him because lately I am angry and annoyed as shit except for when he's sleeping and then my Pussy wants to fuck him! 

I know that this is due to me losing weight and consciously looking at all this anger that must have been stored in every single fucking fat cell and has nothing to do with him, he's just my unfortunate scapegoat. As I work through this & my emotions come to the surface, I am faced w/ some of the hardest & deepest wounds of hurt & anger I have ever experienced. I have to force myself to stay conscious there all the time. I have to continuously remind myself that I don't actually hate everyone & everything, especially not  Mario & especially not myself. My addictions try to pull for my attention & fight relentlessly to keep me from feeling the anger, hatred, pain that I have to reach to find approval for myself. I self sabotage & create situations for ppl to hate me & pull away. This has been excruciating & some of my deepest work on myself to date. 

I also fight to remember to remember, a coaching program term that has multiple layers of meaning, but in this case is me remembering to remember that I am powerful. That I stand for my growth. That I am creating. That I am bravely facing deep parts of my shadows that are crying out to be loved. 

It is easy for me to escape and live in my old stories, to forget how far I've come, to deny hat I offer anything of value, to shrink away and die quietly playing the martyr. But I know that I am worth not abandoning myself there anymore! I don't have to take that on and buy into that crap! Yet I can still honor the little one within that did take that on and help her to remember to remember as well. Just as we all help each other to remember the goddesses we so easily see in each other's faces yet often to find so difficult to ascribe to ourselves. 

Hypervolatile, dissipated, fixed becomes attention, simplicity, desire

I have found the tumescent types to be quite helpful in relating to people in and out of om. They are how a person typically handles sensation that is more than they can stay present with. I have never known one type to be seen as better or worse than another. 

I heard that they are modeled after the three Buddhist types of suffering, but I don't know enough about that to speak on it.

The three tenets of om are Attention, desire, and Simplicity. We use these three things to bring each of the tumescent types back into their range. 

Hypervolatile has a broad range of emotions and is a roller coaster. The up side is that they are charismatic and magnetic and ignition and fun.

The down side could be that as easily as you'll feel their up, you can also feel their burn.

To bring a hypervolatile back into their range, putting quality attention helps to sooth their tumultuous ride. 

Dissipated is soothed by making things simple, because they are typically overwhelmed when they are beyond their capacity to hold sensation. The positive to dissipated is that they see so much and can give amazing attention when they are on. As Adam stated, they see the big picture too. The down side is that they often check out and one can feel quite dropped, especially since their attention does feel so good when they put it on you.

The third is fixed and they are brought back into their range by bringing focus back to their desires. They can often become fixated on the details that may not be a priority and controlling how something gets done and lose focus on what they actually want. If you can remind them of their greater desire and how we get there doesn't necessarily matter as much as that we do get there, this will aid in the journey. Their positive is that they can handle shit like nobody's business! They are on top of everything! They make sure it gets done and gets done well! The down side is that they can be controlling and judgemental when people don't do or see things the way that they would. 

My step father is in hospice

I called to tell my mother about my new job and she answered the phone in a way that sounded like her throat was tight and somewhat constricted.  I asked her if I had awoken her or something and she explained that my step father had been in hospice since last week. I listened to her rattle off the details, trying to process what she was saying. I have been thinking about my step father and our relationship dynamic quite a bit lately and even half jokingly told my roommate the other day that maybe it was coming up in my being because he was going to pass on soon.  to give some  context to this, my step father has been ill most of my life.  I remember believing that it would be a miracle for him to live to see me graduate high school, since he'd had triple bypass surgeries and several heart attacks and seemed to be just an overall kinda miserable person. I am now 37 and, needless to say, he is still around.  I had spoken to my mother often and knew that he had started to have dementia over this last year that has rapidly progressed, so that was the context for my comment. I also have a rather constrained relationship with this man! He has been a part of my life since I was 18 months old and is a second father to me, but we often didn't see eye-to-eye, is I guess the proper way to say it.  I was relating to my roommate a memory that had resurfaced through a Landmark seminar exercise. We had to recall the latest altercation in our lives and say waht happened, when it happened, how I "should" have handled things, how the other person "should" have handled things, etc. then we went on to another memory that brought up the same energy with a different person and do the same thing. Finally, we were directed to go to the earliest memory with that same energy and see what determinations we made there and notice how they were still impacting our relationships today.  My original incident was with my 17 year-old son involving what seems to me to be bullying me.  He is an amazing being and sometimes when I am distraught over regular life things, he can't seem to handle the energy of that, but often neither of us are aware enough to know it in the moment and he does something that feels to me like he's kicking me while I'm down and pushing me around. It is the most frustrating thing about our relationship, fortunately it doesn' happen often, especially anymore.  The next memory that came up was with my biological father. I was around age 6.  We were in the car and we were upset with each other. He had calmed down and tried to make up with me and console me by putting his hand on my knee.  I was still angry and pushed his hand off in a huff.  To which he responded immediately by swatting my leg very hard. I made lots of determinations in that moment, especially about men. I was unloved, my needs didn't matter, my feelings didn't matter, it was hopeless to connect because I'd only get hurt and not be understood, etc. I continued as instructed and went on to the next memory.  The next one that came up had to do with my step father. I don't know if it was earlier or about the same time or what. But it came up nonetheless. I had a memory of being swatted with a fly swatter as punishment. They have the metal handle and the plastic swatter. It doesn't seem too menacing, but I remember that the metal cross left an imprint on my leg. I don't remember the decisions or determinations I made in this moment, but as I recanted this story, I remembered something else.  I started talking about how my step father had told me that you could hit a person with a pillow case or something of the sort, full of oranges and it didn't leave a mark. The person I was actually telling this to was my boyfriend's father, who is also involved in Landmark. It occurred to both me and him that it was peculiar for my step father to tell me this as a child. We were investigating what his motives would be and since I had never thought much of it until that moment, I explored my memory further.  He wasn't telling me it as a threat and he certainly had never done that to me. It seemed to me that he was merely sharing information. This moved me into other memories of how I would talk to him while he was watching boxing and ask him all sorts of questions about it.  I had no interest in boxing! I found it rather appalling, but I wanted to connect with him in a way that felt good and apparently at a very young age I took the responsibility on for doing this.

         I felt very saddened that I would have to go to such lengths at such an early age to connect with someone who was in a parent role for me. I was also proud of myself that I was brilliant enough to find a way to connect with a man who was for the most part,difficult to connect with. I also felt good about myself that I had that as a desire.  It shows up very strongly in my life still as I hold connecting with people in a genuine way to the utmost importance.

         These new revelations led me to the conclusion that other shifts may be occurring as his soul prepares to transition, and healing could be taking place for all of the beings he's connected to, myself included.  I decided to use my Pranic Healing resources that I have been studying for a number of years.  It is energy work and there is a technique that helps those who are dying to transition peacefully.  I started working on him. I could feel the ease of connection to his soul as he moves in between the dimensions of living.  To me they are just other planes of existence and I feel that I am more attuned to feeling these realms than most people. As I worked on him I had the most beautiful experience that allowed me to connect with his being without all of the noise that constrained our relationship.  I was able to feel and express the love I had for him and honor our soul's connection, as well as his impact on my life.
         I did not think that we had such a powerful connection. I am grateful to have felt it so strongly in such a way.  My step father has always been very averse to any type of religion or emotional expression or spirituality, which if you know me, seems rather ironic, because I have a very spiritual path. I remember bringing him to church one time and he hugged me and made a joke that he was surprised the place didn't burn down, but I could feel his tenderness and his heart opening. Connecting with his soul as I did energy work felt reminiscent of this rare moment that he let his walls down and let me in.  It reminds of how beautiful each of us are at the soul level.   I am in awe of the transformation that is available to us through losing a loved one on this physical plane of existence.

New Job

I start a new job tomorrow! It is with ATT as a premises technician and it pays more than I've ever made.ATT's motto is "Rethink Possible". I love that! It will make a big difference to my life from the way I've struggled in my finances. I am so grateful for the change! I called my mom and dad to let them know that it was in the mix. It has involved a series of hoops so far and I got hired but have a pass/fail test of climbing an 18 ft pole. So there are still some factors. There was a weekly range of pay that they said we could get after going through our background check and when they called me I was over $100 more per week than what was the maximum! I asked how that happened and they apparently just redid the regulations for hiring new people. Before they passed this I would've had to work for a full year (2 pay increases) to earn what I will be starting out at! That feels like incredible news!
ATT invests $80,000 over a period of 3 months of training for this position. I consider it an amazing opportunity to be trained and paid at the same time. i also feel that the actual job will be enjoyable to me. I like the variety and problem solving. I get to wear a lot of hats and including interacting with people in their own homes. I think being in someone's home is incredibly intimate, meaning that you get to know a whole lot about a person just by being in their environment and I think I will enjoy that and have the right personality for it. These are my thoughts and hopes.

ATT also has a lot of room for advancement, according to what they told me at the realistic job presentation.
The presentation was meant to give us a view into what to expect. I knew going into it that it would be similar the first day of my college classes when they would hand out the syllabus and terrify us that this one class was somehow going to be so challenging that it would take me out of the game and be the one to do me in. Then it would wind up being just like every other class I'd ever been in, no harder than the rest. But I sat in this group of 40 or so men, being the only woman, feeling very out of place and listened to them talk about pole tests and other terrifying factors. I got scared. I thought, "I’m too heavy, too feminine, too much, too sensitive, etc, to do this work!"

Finally, I wrestled with myself. I thought "Keri, do not let your fears take you out of the game and determine what you can and cannot do! Let life determine it and don't back down until you hit up against something that is actually a challenge or puts you in red. But right now you are sitting in a room full of men and there is certainly nothing about that that you can't do!"

So I stayed and have continued on to the next step and then the next step, and we will see from there

When I first started oming I noticed that I had no idea what I wanted to ask for in making requests. When I did have an idea it looked like I wanted to request to be stroked harder and faster! I remember that I had no approval for asking for that so I didn't. I thought I would be judged as some sort of porn star or something for asking for a harder and faster stroke! I could hear other women in nests at circle asking for less pressure and lighter strokes and I had so much judgement around myself that something was wrong with me that I could barely feel anything!

I now know that I had layers and years of conditioning and numbing my sensitivity level that had me need more pressure and stimulation in order to feel. Om has since stripped these layers and I am super sensitive now, but originally I was too sensitive to handle the harshness of what I was experiencing around me throughout my life, so I desensitized myself in various ways. This is very common in our society. Now I have better Tools to manage my sensitivity and can recognize the effects of what is happening around me better. I have learned not to numb out but to feel into my body and trust what it tells me more. And sometimes it is still overwhelming and I take on things that aren't mine or can't tell the difference of what is and isn't mine.
One of the greatest things about oming for me is that what happens in my Oms directly reflects and correlates what I am experiencing in my life in some way. So the sensitivity of my clit and how numbed out I was wasn't just about my sex, it showed up everywhere in my life.