My step father is in hospice

I called to tell my mother about my new job and she answered the phone in a way that sounded like her throat was tight and somewhat constricted.  I asked her if I had awoken her or something and she explained that my step father had been in hospice since last week. I listened to her rattle off the details, trying to process what she was saying. I have been thinking about my step father and our relationship dynamic quite a bit lately and even half jokingly told my roommate the other day that maybe it was coming up in my being because he was going to pass on soon.  to give some  context to this, my step father has been ill most of my life.  I remember believing that it would be a miracle for him to live to see me graduate high school, since he'd had triple bypass surgeries and several heart attacks and seemed to be just an overall kinda miserable person. I am now 37 and, needless to say, he is still around.  I had spoken to my mother often and knew that he had started to have dementia over this last year that has rapidly progressed, so that was the context for my comment. I also have a rather constrained relationship with this man! He has been a part of my life since I was 18 months old and is a second father to me, but we often didn't see eye-to-eye, is I guess the proper way to say it.  I was relating to my roommate a memory that had resurfaced through a Landmark seminar exercise. We had to recall the latest altercation in our lives and say waht happened, when it happened, how I "should" have handled things, how the other person "should" have handled things, etc. then we went on to another memory that brought up the same energy with a different person and do the same thing. Finally, we were directed to go to the earliest memory with that same energy and see what determinations we made there and notice how they were still impacting our relationships today.  My original incident was with my 17 year-old son involving what seems to me to be bullying me.  He is an amazing being and sometimes when I am distraught over regular life things, he can't seem to handle the energy of that, but often neither of us are aware enough to know it in the moment and he does something that feels to me like he's kicking me while I'm down and pushing me around. It is the most frustrating thing about our relationship, fortunately it doesn' happen often, especially anymore.  The next memory that came up was with my biological father. I was around age 6.  We were in the car and we were upset with each other. He had calmed down and tried to make up with me and console me by putting his hand on my knee.  I was still angry and pushed his hand off in a huff.  To which he responded immediately by swatting my leg very hard. I made lots of determinations in that moment, especially about men. I was unloved, my needs didn't matter, my feelings didn't matter, it was hopeless to connect because I'd only get hurt and not be understood, etc. I continued as instructed and went on to the next memory.  The next one that came up had to do with my step father. I don't know if it was earlier or about the same time or what. But it came up nonetheless. I had a memory of being swatted with a fly swatter as punishment. They have the metal handle and the plastic swatter. It doesn't seem too menacing, but I remember that the metal cross left an imprint on my leg. I don't remember the decisions or determinations I made in this moment, but as I recanted this story, I remembered something else.  I started talking about how my step father had told me that you could hit a person with a pillow case or something of the sort, full of oranges and it didn't leave a mark. The person I was actually telling this to was my boyfriend's father, who is also involved in Landmark. It occurred to both me and him that it was peculiar for my step father to tell me this as a child. We were investigating what his motives would be and since I had never thought much of it until that moment, I explored my memory further.  He wasn't telling me it as a threat and he certainly had never done that to me. It seemed to me that he was merely sharing information. This moved me into other memories of how I would talk to him while he was watching boxing and ask him all sorts of questions about it.  I had no interest in boxing! I found it rather appalling, but I wanted to connect with him in a way that felt good and apparently at a very young age I took the responsibility on for doing this.

         I felt very saddened that I would have to go to such lengths at such an early age to connect with someone who was in a parent role for me. I was also proud of myself that I was brilliant enough to find a way to connect with a man who was for the most part,difficult to connect with. I also felt good about myself that I had that as a desire.  It shows up very strongly in my life still as I hold connecting with people in a genuine way to the utmost importance.

         These new revelations led me to the conclusion that other shifts may be occurring as his soul prepares to transition, and healing could be taking place for all of the beings he's connected to, myself included.  I decided to use my Pranic Healing resources that I have been studying for a number of years.  It is energy work and there is a technique that helps those who are dying to transition peacefully.  I started working on him. I could feel the ease of connection to his soul as he moves in between the dimensions of living.  To me they are just other planes of existence and I feel that I am more attuned to feeling these realms than most people. As I worked on him I had the most beautiful experience that allowed me to connect with his being without all of the noise that constrained our relationship.  I was able to feel and express the love I had for him and honor our soul's connection, as well as his impact on my life.
         I did not think that we had such a powerful connection. I am grateful to have felt it so strongly in such a way.  My step father has always been very averse to any type of religion or emotional expression or spirituality, which if you know me, seems rather ironic, because I have a very spiritual path. I remember bringing him to church one time and he hugged me and made a joke that he was surprised the place didn't burn down, but I could feel his tenderness and his heart opening. Connecting with his soul as I did energy work felt reminiscent of this rare moment that he let his walls down and let me in.  It reminds of how beautiful each of us are at the soul level.   I am in awe of the transformation that is available to us through losing a loved one on this physical plane of existence.

New Job

I start a new job tomorrow! It is with ATT as a premises technician and it pays more than I've ever made.ATT's motto is "Rethink Possible". I love that! It will make a big difference to my life from the way I've struggled in my finances. I am so grateful for the change! I called my mom and dad to let them know that it was in the mix. It has involved a series of hoops so far and I got hired but have a pass/fail test of climbing an 18 ft pole. So there are still some factors. There was a weekly range of pay that they said we could get after going through our background check and when they called me I was over $100 more per week than what was the maximum! I asked how that happened and they apparently just redid the regulations for hiring new people. Before they passed this I would've had to work for a full year (2 pay increases) to earn what I will be starting out at! That feels like incredible news!
ATT invests $80,000 over a period of 3 months of training for this position. I consider it an amazing opportunity to be trained and paid at the same time. i also feel that the actual job will be enjoyable to me. I like the variety and problem solving. I get to wear a lot of hats and including interacting with people in their own homes. I think being in someone's home is incredibly intimate, meaning that you get to know a whole lot about a person just by being in their environment and I think I will enjoy that and have the right personality for it. These are my thoughts and hopes.

ATT also has a lot of room for advancement, according to what they told me at the realistic job presentation.
The presentation was meant to give us a view into what to expect. I knew going into it that it would be similar the first day of my college classes when they would hand out the syllabus and terrify us that this one class was somehow going to be so challenging that it would take me out of the game and be the one to do me in. Then it would wind up being just like every other class I'd ever been in, no harder than the rest. But I sat in this group of 40 or so men, being the only woman, feeling very out of place and listened to them talk about pole tests and other terrifying factors. I got scared. I thought, "I’m too heavy, too feminine, too much, too sensitive, etc, to do this work!"

Finally, I wrestled with myself. I thought "Keri, do not let your fears take you out of the game and determine what you can and cannot do! Let life determine it and don't back down until you hit up against something that is actually a challenge or puts you in red. But right now you are sitting in a room full of men and there is certainly nothing about that that you can't do!"

So I stayed and have continued on to the next step and then the next step, and we will see from there

When I first started oming I noticed that I had no idea what I wanted to ask for in making requests. When I did have an idea it looked like I wanted to request to be stroked harder and faster! I remember that I had no approval for asking for that so I didn't. I thought I would be judged as some sort of porn star or something for asking for a harder and faster stroke! I could hear other women in nests at circle asking for less pressure and lighter strokes and I had so much judgement around myself that something was wrong with me that I could barely feel anything!

I now know that I had layers and years of conditioning and numbing my sensitivity level that had me need more pressure and stimulation in order to feel. Om has since stripped these layers and I am super sensitive now, but originally I was too sensitive to handle the harshness of what I was experiencing around me throughout my life, so I desensitized myself in various ways. This is very common in our society. Now I have better Tools to manage my sensitivity and can recognize the effects of what is happening around me better. I have learned not to numb out but to feel into my body and trust what it tells me more. And sometimes it is still overwhelming and I take on things that aren't mine or can't tell the difference of what is and isn't mine.
One of the greatest things about oming for me is that what happens in my Oms directly reflects and correlates what I am experiencing in my life in some way. So the sensitivity of my clit and how numbed out I was wasn't just about my sex, it showed up everywhere in my life.

Max's loss

My relationship research with Elle  ended three days ago, and I'm definitely still grieving.

After 2 months of intense love and struggle, It ended climactically. On our last night she had planned to leave and not stay with me assuming that I was planning to fuck Laura at midnight. So I had to practically beg her to stay the last night with me. And then I got angry when she hid in my car for a half an hour, and we spent the rest of the night in and out of fighting. The tendency to disconnect was so huge, like we just couldn't stand staying connected through to the end.

The next morning we woke up to full climax. Our first words were about the fact that I had a morning practice OM slot available and I gave it to Laura instead of her. She became furious and stormed out of the room, and quickly left after the first OM. She then sent me a slew of hateful texts. I was so angry, and wrote her a really hateful text back, that I chose not to send. Instead, I used some of the skill I'd learned and wrote her a vulnerable text, taking responsibility and offering support. She didn't reply and I wrote later that night asking if she still wanted space and she said she did. It wasn't until the following evening that some space opened and we've started to talk. Slowly.

Once I got through the anger, I felt really sad. Like, depression-level sad. I collapsed into a slump in yoga, and could barely move the rest of the day. Then yesterday I felt my love start to pour out. On everyone. I felt more connected and available to all my friends, both male and female, and just really started noticing how much I'd shut myself off from other people while I was singly focused on Elle.

I've started to feel better and better, but the grief is still there. Thick. Heavy. Muddy. I'm glad that the relationship over, and there's still grief. The loss of her love for my inner child. The loss of the stability of her attention. The loss of a constant trigger that was sure to make me feel.

I don't know what's next. I only know that right now I need to feel. And stay open to her and everyone. And welcome the next opportunity to be so out of control. So challenged and stretched. And continue finding new depths of love and attention.

• BrianaI've watched this unfold over the course of your "research" and refrained from commenting many times because I didn't want to come off as hateful. It was very obvious that this "research" (I put it in quotes because you were in a relationship, a real, live relationship) was terribly lopsided. Attention is NOT automatically love. Attention is something children need in constant supply, love involves aspects of the psyche beyond the Id. Are you at all shocked that a woman who you had a brief, albeit real relationship with was upset that you've immediately set about stroking off another woman pretty much at the stroke of midnight? Grow the fuck up. If you need a attention, get a dog. If you feel the need to continue your nauseating "research," please stick to lab animals, there are fucking humans involved here.

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  Madeleine Aurora  Forcing a relationship beyond its staying power and calling it research didn't work out. I'm not surprised. Honestly, I'm not sure how this could have ended in anything else but resentment.

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• Just to be clear. The experiment always had a time limit. Originally 30 days, & then extended to 60 days. We mutually agreed to challenge each other, try our best to stay connected, & learn what we could about how we are in relationship. We both learned a ton & felt a lot, including a lot of pain. But through it all we would both absolutely say it was worth it, and we will be bonded forever.

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  Brie  To each their own but do to the publicity of this "research" I'm throwing my two cents in ... You cannot simply discard someone that you "love" for someone else regardless of the time expiring ... If you love her or loved her it shouldn't have been so easy to discard her for some other vagina... I don't believe you loved her I believe she was good for your ego or she was fun but love is a much deeper feeling that cannot simply be turned on and off if you loved her it would have killed you to discard her, if you loved her you wouldn't have been angry with anyone but yourself for causing her pain. Love is a very powerful word and emotion and I hope one day you understand what it is to truly love

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  Louisa ^^^you have some intense friends

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  Don't I!? Wouldn't have it any other way.

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   Brie Louisa you should see me when I get worked up lol just trying to be helpful to research with an outsiders perception of it all... but honestly love is not research nor is it an experiment it is an intense emotion that is not capable of being turned off for a deadline at least not real love... Max is very good at assuming a roll or playing a character has been since highschool at least, I think you all should try this again without deadlines and see what you can learn and what you can feel ... Just a suggestion ... Good luck though whatever y'all decide to do

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  Elle:  Hi  Brie and others, I appreciate your comments very much and I agree! There is no shutting it off or on. It's always been there on my end. This was an interesting experiment. As you've read, it has taught us both a lot. It is still teaching us now. Max and I had a relationship of sorts before all of this and we will have one, in some fashion, now that the official container has ended. We are in a very close knit community of love and support. I can't say how much was playing a role on his end and how much was "real". In most ways, that was the point of my end, to try to learn to access the well of love within me regardless of how he felt. In a lot of ways I feel i forgot that most important part and was consumed with not understNding what was going on for him and feeling rejected because I didn't feel loved. 
  I feel a mixture of both defensive and relieved. Defensive about the research in general, because I do know its value and relieved because others are naming a lot of what I struggled with in this research with him, seeing someone who continually pushed my love and me away and had to struggle himself so hard to stay surrendered and connected in ways that previously in relationships felt much more natural to me. It felt natural to me to love him. I do love him, but the receiving it on his end is apparently much more complicated. 
  It feels like the little boy who pushes you into the mud on the playground and runs away from me and I am supposed to then see it as him really liking me.
  There is a lot of my stuff that showed up in the form of not being able to see the love that he did show me in the ways it did show up that also created this dynamic. Because of this and a lot of other things, this was a painful experience, but I did learn a lot about myself through this process and the pain of it makes it difficult to continue in the same way. 
  I have had my own form of feeling grief and am mostly feeling the liberation from the compression to stay in something that was so painful and difficult. Continuing the way it was would not work. I don't know whether he needed to surrender more or I needed to love more unconditionally or if he just doesn't feel that love for me and can't receive mine or if it was perfectly perfect the way that it was and now it will take on a new form. I accept the latter as truth for now and allow it to be. Thank you for speaking your truth about what you see.

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  Brie:  You are very brave or crazy (probably both) to put yourself through this, as you had to expect the end to be really hard... I enjoyed reading about it though and wish you both the best luck ... Also I must add Elle you have an unreal amount of self control most girls I know would not have been as tolerant of another woman so soon... I'm pretty sure a younger me would have hit what I viewed as my replacement... not that it would have solved any of the feelings I had , though it might have taught the roommate? Not to steal my toy as soon as I wasn't touching it... Forgive the new mommy metaphor... You see love is irrational, unfair, overwhelming, and produces the same brain activity as a traumatic brain injury... Really I don't know that I recognised what love was until I had a child it made it sooo clear...(not really a good way to discover love) but ya live and ya learn...

  
  
• Elle:
  

  Yes, I am both brave and crazy! As far as the other women are concerned, there's a lot that can be said. First off however, I have not been in a monogamous relationship for the last four years until this last 30 days of our research and for Max, I think he was more used to open relationships than I was. We had been lovers for over a year before we started the research but it had never been exclusive or had any type of label. That being said, I am somewhat used to sharing men with other women, well him, anyway. I also had other men that I was intimate with, so that went both ways. It is never easy though and so much could be said about that piece of the puzzle far before research was even involved! the place that was hardest for me about the other women has to do with his desire for them compared and contrasting to what felt like a lack of consideration and desire for me. 
  There was an interesting arc of evolution around the other women. I never really paid too much attention to Max's other interests or trysts before we started the research. I knew they were there and they were many, I just considered that to be the way it was for him and it kept me from ever really seeing our relationship as anything more than another tryst for both of us. This community tends to be sex positive. A large portion of the practice of orgasmic meditation is looking at the conditioning around a crossed wire for women when it comes to the suppression of our sexual desires, or desires in general, in our culture. Women are taught to suppress their sex and men are taught to suppress their emotions. This often creates a crossed wire dynamic in our ability to relate to each other. I have been practicing OM for two years now and I started to open my sex about halfway through. I made a very conscious and deliberate choice to look at and experiment with what I really wanted in the area of my sex and relating versus just accepting the conventional monogamy as the only option, as I had previously been conditioned to see and experience. Max was actually a big part of me opening here and it is ultimately how our relationship began. 
  When the research started, this portion changed entirely from something that I rarely have much notice to being jealous and having it be almost all that I could see. The first part of our research wasn't monogamous and the jealousies went both ways! The second part was and the jealousies almost felt worse for me because what I was jealous of was his desire where he seemed to lack that for me. I know that in the brief moments where I could feel his love and devotion to me, I didn't have these jealousies arise. But when he would develop, what seemed like infatuations and being sucked into the appeal of shallower connections, I was extremely hurt. He didn't act on them during the monogamy, but he was and always has been rather unfiltered about his desires there. The most recent trigger being his public post about his increasing desire for his roommate and my friend, Laura. This has been hard and I am apprehensive to talk about it much because it left Laura and I severely disconnected and Laura and I actually have a very close relationship as we all do when we are in this community to the degree that we are. I finally just last night was able to turn the corner and feel all of my love for her again and it felt amazing. I am so grateful to be connected to her again and able to feel the love I have for her. So I don't really want to dig up the wound. When we started this research Max told me he was in love with another girl who I didn't know very well. This piece is a big one for me, because in my opinion he falls in and out of love or becomes infatuated with and then loses interested rather quickly and it translates to me as not valuing the deeper connections like the one that we have together. So essentially, it felt like he would run away from our intimacy and run toward what was easier in his desires for them. The same could possibly be said for me, however. But yes, the other women is a huge factor and I imagine that it is in any relationship where the partners are honest and connected as we are. 
  I don't personally think that open relationships are better or less hard or have judgements one way or the other about open versus monogamy. I think each person has to do what feels right for them. I think relationships are challenging no matter how you decide to do them and at this time, I prefer the honesty around my and his desires that comes with open relating. if you have the agreement and determination to stay connected no matter what. I DO think it is a particular challenge with someone like Max, however, who is more interested and attracted to the next new thing than staying in the more intimate connections.

  
  
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  Brie: Just means you all need to try new things together

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  Elle: Well, the monogamy was definitely a new thing. Lol. What did you have in mind?

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  Brie Dude just cause its only one person doesn't mean ya can't try everything under the sun with them

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  Elle:I used to feel similarly to what you are saying. Now I still have leanings in both directions. I enjoy having a variety of connections myself and can see how love is not scarce and my love for one person isn't diminished by loving another, but sometimes this doesn't make the jealousies on the other side of it any less to know this. It is tricky and challenging and sometimes it seems hardly worth it. But I also struggle with monogamy at this stage in my life. I feel that for me the monogamy would be playing smaller, like I was only doing it to have the illusion of safety in being the only one. That comes with its own challenges right there. If I am the only one to fulfill the needs of my partner, I may feel more secure, but I know the desires are still there and I know that we have the potential to become dependent on each other. I also know that the interactions and intricate with other can bring more intimacy with each other through their influences and with those other people if it can be embraced. I am not suggesting that this type of relationship would work for everyone, but I currently am striving to open my connections in all areas, so this is where I am at in my relating. 
  I have had the experience of where it can feel good to be open in connecting with more than one person intimately, especially when the primary connections are considered first. I don't find Max to be particularly good at doing this, but I have seen it modeled well in other open relationships and I do believe it is possible with exquisite practice, attention, connection, honesty, compassion, and consideration. I have felt that when I feel secure in the love, connection, desire, and attraction in my relationship, I am much calmer and able to stay connected and loving even with the other women being involved. I think it is a challenge and requires a delicate balance. It can definitely be messy, but in this practice we strive to authentically feel the whole range of emotions available to us fully and embrace our experience, not just the things that feel good. 
  I also think that monogamy has its own set of challenges. They just look and feel differently. One is not better than the other. They just are different and afford different opportunities. For me I prefer the experience of connection to many, not just my own lovers, but also the connection that I have to the other women through my lovers because there is a lot available there as well if I am open to it. 
  I try to see it all as love. My good friend, says that jealousy is turnon plus exclusion. If I can find a way to be connected to the experience, then my partner's turnon becomes mine as well. We are connected so deeply to each other and in our bodies that we can literally feel the excitement in our own body and it doesn't have to minimize my connection with my partner if I can embrace it, which honestly, is a practice and isn't always the case, but I do believe it is possible and where it is not is where my own insecurities are at play.
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• • Krista I followed this research like I try to view everything in life - with a completely open heart and mind and without judgment. As someone on the outside, reading the posts, I can honestly say that I have learned a lot about relationships in general and have forced myself to look more deeply into my own relationships. I won't say that I will never be monogamous in the future, but at this time it is definitely not something I desire. I enjoy being with open men and women and that is where I feel the most freedom and security. I also understand that my choice in lifestyle is not the right choice for everyone. The most brilliant part of this research for me to read about is the end. It's the beginning of a new chapter for both of you and I doubt either of you will go into another relationship the same as you were before the research and that is something to be grateful for! Growth is always worth it. 

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  • Max: Thank you Krista! It's been amazing having the love and attention of people in our extended community like you! I think it gave us strength and energy more than we even knew!

    
    
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    Abby: Such is Dismissive Attachment Style...
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  • Elle:Can you say more about this please?
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    Abby:  Someone with Dismissive Attachment Style can lead to even a person who is secure becoming more anxious in relationship.
    http://girlwiththorns.hubpages.com/.../dismissive...
    

    
    

    
    

    

    
    

    Dealing with a partner who has a dismissive avoidant attachment style

    A small proportion of the population has what is...

    GIRLWITHTHORNS.HUBPAGES.COM

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    Abby:Posting about someone else is a classic distancing move. Too much closeness is hard to tolerate...but it's not deliberate either on their part.

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    Abby:  http://jebkinnison.com/bad.../type-dismissive-avoidant/
    

    
    

    
    

    

    
    

    Type: Dismissive-Avoidant

    [Note: if you arrived here looking for insight into a dismissive spouse or lover, I've just published a...

    JEBKINNISON.COM

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    Max: That is interesting. I see that I did become avoidant & Elle anxious during that relationship. 
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    Abby:   It's worth exploring...once seen, staying open and communicating can be really helpful. 'Earned secure attachment' is a thing, it seems.
    My partner cried when I said 'you are not doing this deliberately'...

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    Elle: I don't feel I am typically that anxious of a person, but rather felt that I became much more anxious in relationship with Max. I did not get a chance to read the articles you posted yet, but I am very interested in learning more about this. Thank you for bringing it up Abby

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    Abi  I have become less and less secure with my current partner...still seeing if this dynamic can change or if I leave at this point. Thanks for sharing your journey, it has been timely for me...

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    Jasmin Attachment styles have such an intense impact on all "genres of relationships" (i.e. Friendships, romance, family, RTC.) Be warned Keri, learning about attachment is addictive! In my work, awareness of your own attachment style is key, and it is an enveloping rabbit hole! 😀

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    Abi  I find it can also be very helpful for learning to see that what's going on between people can be 'not personal', even when it can very much feel that way. Helps us to be forgiving and understanding of ourselves and others.

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    Keri Denheeten
    
  • This article said this that felt pertinent and spot on "Dismissive avoidants can be charming. They can play the role well for a time. But lacking a positive view of attached others, they expect relationships to fulfill a romantic ideal which no real human being can create for them, so all fall short and are discarded when it becomes inconvenient to continue. Typically as the relationship ages, avoidants will begin to find fault and focus on petty shortcomings of their partner. The dismissive-avoidant is afraid of and incapable of tolerating true intimacy.
    
    The dismissive-avoidant is afraid of and incapable of tolerating true intimacy. Since he was brought up not to depend on anyone or reveal feelings that might not be acceptable to caregivers, his first instinct when someone gets really close to him is to run away. Superficially he thinks very highly of himself, and is likely to pin any blame for relationship troubles on his partners; but underneath (especially in the extreme form we label narcissism), there is such low self esteem that at his core he does not feel his true self is worthy of love and attention. Should a partner penetrate his armor, unconscious alarm bells go off and he retreats to either aloneness or the safety of companionship with others who do not realize he is not what he appears to be on the surface. dismissives let you know that you are low on their priority list. when you are with one, you are really still alone"
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    Diana As someone who has tried both open and monogamous relationships....nothing quite stands up to the intimacy between 2 individuals who find solace, satisfaction and trust in each other. If your lover chooses you above all others ..that's true intimacy and security. ..the very nature of life is impermanent. .relationships change. ..relationships end. .some individuals are only our lovers for a finite period. True love and security is looking into your lovers eyes knowing he desires you above all others..ignoring base desires and feeling with your heart rather than your genitals

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    Keri Denheeten That's gorgeous Diane, thank you!

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    Diana But hey...being open and fluid to discussing the many different forms of relationships without judgement is imperative

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    Alyah  Thanks for the really real, raw, and conscious post! heart emoticon heart emoticon

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